In preparing for VBS, I came across this verse.  It is one of the memory verses for the week.  I’ve heard it many times but with what is going on in my life now, it really hit a deeper level.  There are many jobs in the church that I call, behind the scenes jobs.  Most people either don’t know about them or don’t understand the labor that goes into them.  I’ve taken on a few of those jobs this year.  Jobs like these really have to be done for God and not man.  You’ll quit if you are looking for man’s approval in these areas because most people don’t care.  The only way they would take notice is if it wasn’t done.  I’ve been enjoying being behind the scenes for the lessons that the Lord has taught me through them.  I don’t look at the lawn or the bathrooms the same.  What if the man who mowed stopped mowing or if the family that cleans the church stopped cleaning.  People would take notice.  People would wonder what was up.  But how many notice that it is clean in the first place?  I like to see these things, so I can thank the “behind the scenes” workers for being faithful to work for God and be able to pray for them.  The Lord has really opened my eyes and helped me appreciate the things I never thought about or understood before in peoples roles in the church and in life in general.  I never put much thought into the study that the pastor or Sunday school teachers put in to present the lessons.  Or the time each bus worker gives out of their day to ensure that the kids can make it to church.  From the lady who fills plastic totes with supplies for the bus routes to those that fix meals for us.   We all give some of ourselves to these jobs.  Motivation is key, though.  I pray the Lord help me to work for him solely and worry not about the approval of others.  If it doesn’t glorify him, then I would rather not do it at all.

A tricky sort of a fellow, Adrian Thaw is. He drills little holes in our skulls and lets light out accompanied by bubbling electro pop rhythms and velvet-coated verses. He rinses, never repeats and always is on the verge of coaxing the listener into doing unpleasant but ultimately rewarding things such as mourning the death of cherries in winter.

I had a moment of enlightenment this evening. And I choked on it.

I was standing at a window, pondering a decision I had to make. As too often happens with me, I was waffling between one option and another---and the less risky option was winning.

With the thought still fresh in my mind, I turned to get a drink from the water cooler. As I poured a glass of room-temperature water, I glanced up at the calendar that hung on the wall. The Bible verse said, "Let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart." (Galatians 6:9)

The verse was especially meaningful to me at that moment, with my insecure thoughts. But I let the words roll off my consciousness, returning to the thought of my "safe" decision, as I raised the glass of water to my lips.

One swallow was all it took---instant choke. For some unknown reason, I can not drink tepid liquids---my throat seizes up, and I'm left coughing and gasping for breath.

In mid-wheeze, another Bible verse suddenly appeared in my mind: "Because you are lukewarm—--neither hot nor cold—--I am about to spit you out of my mouth." (Revelation 3:16)

Whoa.

I had been studying my decision from a decidedly lukewarm point of view. I knew exactly what I wanted, but didn't think it was possible, so was resigning myself to settling for less. I was being lukewarm---and if I admitted the truth to myself, I approached far too many other daily decisions in the same way.

I caught my breath and looked out the window again. What would happen if, just this once, I cast aside the tepid option and went all-out, full-tilt for the choice that required all my fire, enthusiasm, and confidence? The potential for failure was huge. But like the quote says:

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat." ~ Theodore Roosevelt

I know what I'm going to do.

So how about you?

Are you hot or not?

mousewords is moving to its own site soon--Subscribe here!
© 2008 Christine Taylor

As a pregnant woman, a mother and a wife, I seek out online web forums where I can associate with other Moms with which I might have something in common. It is shocking to me how much hatred our children are being raised into, how much deep-seeded intolerance is fueling the lives of these young kids "Jesus Camp" anyone?

http://boards.babycenter.com/n/pfx/forum.aspx?tsn=1&nav=messages&webtag=bcus5465&tid=188217

That is insanity.

The original poster in question actually says:

"We all were born into sin..... the choice is do we stay that way....anyhow...you get my point[...]"

How in the world did we get to a society where what others do matters so much to our 'salvation'. I feel like Christian Extremists or Evangelists etc. have taken this crap way too far. Let he who is without sin, cast the first stone?  Right? I am thoroughly secure in my stance as an agnostic wife, mother, and woman. I believe deeply that creation is so beyond human comprehension that it is impossible for us to know what our true meaning of life is and who our true creator is.

It's impossible for me, as a tolerant person, to understand the conservative christian stance - the ones who stand out on street corners with signs that say "Gay is an Abomination".. or "GAYS CAN'T GET INTO HEAVEN!" or bullshit like that. I try to look at everything...from a 'tolerant' perspective and leave judgment out of it, but hatred is something we as a society should never ignore... hatred killed millions of Jews... Darfur anyone? You get the point. Hatred breeds a darkness within humanity and it is frightening to me that some of these women are indoctrinating their children with an intolerant hateful mindset.

Another poster retalliated to the above comment made by the original poster which I felt was just.

"So is choosing to be a hateful intolerant UN-christian person a sin worthy of eternal hell and damnation too?"

I enjoyed this comment the most, probably out of all the posters. Because it really put it all into perspective.

The original poster replies with:

Is that really what the bible says? Because I've done a little religious exploration of the bible and some of it's meanings and I can tell you there is a definite place in the bible where it says that the bible is subjective, it is supposed to evolve with us. There is no evolution to this work. What do people think the New Testament is? Do they think God and Jesus came back, had a little conference and re-wrote the Old Testament then disappeared back into the heavens when they were done? Of course not! The Bible is a man-made piece of work, it is subjective. It's a series of fictional stories designed to help human kind understand the concept of something super natural that words could other wise NOT describe. That isn't an opinion, it's fact. Disagree with me if you will...

If the bible didn't evolve - we should still be stoning and killing our unruly children when they get out of line. Yeah it was done. Yeah it's in there. Should we still be putting women behind men and making them the weaker gender? Throw equality right out the door! Should we beat to death the women who attempt to preach the word of "God" in public forum? because they aren't allowed to preach the word of God because they are the "Weaker Vessel"? ( 1 Corinthians 14:34 The women should keep silent in the churches. For they are not permitted to speak, but should be in submission, as the Law also says.) Should we damn the women to hell who have children out of wedlock? Should we shun the women from our communities who initiate a divorce from their husband for whatever reason?

Yeah, it states pretty much (in its old world text) all of those things...

How is it that they are able to pick and choose from the bible what they want to believe?

I am so glad I can sleep easy at night knowing my child will grow up to be a tolerant, loving human being who doesn't make people feel poorly for their decisions to lead their own life and not make people feel uncomfortable with their unwarranted blabber about converting... *cough* Saving...everyone else.

"Judge not, lest ye be judged.  And it is my duty as a Christian to tell YOU that." - bcHost (Tracy)

You know how much more calm this world would be if all Christian's were like this? And raised their kids like this? To be tolerant, and not hateful..

Wait, hold on....

Leviticus 20:13

If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination; they shall surely be put to death; their blood is upon them.

(pppsssttt... Hey lesbians, it doesn't say anything about girls 'lieing' with girls!) Better get all the Gays together and burn them in an incinery. Just like the jews. Right?  Does the above verse sound like any God you've ever heard of? I thought Christian's believed their God was a loving God and a tolerant God and a peaceful God....putting people to death doesn't sound like a very loving God to me.

THEN the bible contradicts itself.

1 Corinthians 14:33 For God is not a God of confusion but of peace. As in all the churches of the saints,

Wait!? THIS SAME GOD who wanted gays to be put to death...by law?! Doesn't sound very peaceful if you ask me.

Judge not, and ye shall not be judged: condemn not, and ye shall not be condemned, forgive, and ye shall be forgiven.-Luke 6:37

I think I like this part the best. I think it embodies truly what Christianity should be.

I have been, off and on, extremely anxious these past few months, likely due to delving too far into the secrets of my spiritual self. I'm disturbing the spiritually dead, proverbially speaking, and it's not someone else either- it's my dead self. Well of course this is all speculation, but in either case- as far as I'm concerned, I've willingly asked for a glimpse of Hell, and now I'm agonizing over whether it was really worth it.

I began this journey of self-exploration at first just to turn the nothing I was into something in the future; then, once I realized that it was not that simple, I began seeking out what that nothing was, because you cannot do anything you know nothing about, because even nothing is something

Well, all that abstract talk is just me being melodramatic...eventually, I found that the more I discovered about myself through this inference-based reasoning, the more I was able to improve upon myself. I started with internal change (opinions, morals, perspectives), and eventually harnessed these changes into habits/etc., to the point my transformation could not go unnoticed by those who "knew" me. But noooooo...that wasn't good enough for me. I had to find the unfindable answers, relying on the forbidden intuition that I should never have had- well perhaps I've just being "played" by myself- this illusion of soul-torture that I've forced upon myself due to expecting something.

But really, the possibilities are endless, so why doubt my doubts when I can "suspend judgement" on those matters- and focus my attentions on these far more engrossing and apparently irresistable obsessions. But, as you may have noted, these obsessions have really done a number on me. Why is it that I must have such depressing, such inevitably hopeless obsessions.

Now that I know that we all are motivated by the desire to run away from ourselves- or more accurately, we won't be happy unless we do everything to run away from ourselves. No- that's not even accurate. I mean "our other self" - might be our "Ego", might be our "soul" or "spirit" or "psyche"- well, it's arguable that all those words mean the same thing anyway. Perhaps- and this is most definitely the case, we are running away from something far bigger that that. But really, is that even possible, or does it even make any sense, considering at this point it's all just semantics.

Actually, I wouldn't even be able to write this post had it not been for the spontaneous impulses (that's redundant BTW) of my brother- by which I was able to clear my head sufficiently to actually think straight for the first time in 2 days. Now for some revised definitions "for the road":

Sin: Self- you know, the "other self". like I said, all semantics...

Agony: Seeing self, or a reflection/glimpse thereof- for what we really are, an eternally tortured self.

Hell: In "God's" presence we see the ugliness that we really are:

desperate, hateful, dependent, miserable, melancholic, masochistic/sadistic, vengeful, malicious, lonely, obsessed, perverted, greedy, lustful, irrate. All scum that is depicable and distasteful.

As to how such a hellish curse was eternally forced upon us, there are many possibilities, but this is my theory: Balance has always existed- it is the true God. But "in reality", Balance is only rules- just as Pythagoras's numbers did not create anything, but only organized what already existed. We, our "original" self- also existed, and were thus governed by Balance. But to gain self-awareness, our soul- as I'll call the "original self", had to pay an equal price- that is after all necessary to maintain Balance. The "Adam and Eve" story of Genesis 2-3, is IMO, a story that originally took, or more accurately, takes place outside time and a space- humans would not exist if "original self" did not become "original sin. Update: Time did exist- since it is a fundamental necessity of balance.

There are many Bible verses which support this interpretation, in several books, both the old testament and new. Although I really don't have motivation or time (b/f going 2 bed) to cite specific verses (although I probably would have if I didn't spend so much time procrastinating on Uncyclopedia- it's way to funny for my own good! see side-panel links for reference!)-

In Genesis, Isaiah, Psalms, Proverbs, Ecclesiastics, Revelation- just to name a few...

In the account of Jesus's death (found on all 4 gospels, though only a couple in sufficient detail), Jesus dies for our sake- taking the sin of the world upon himself.

I pity those millions (Billions unless it's "all for show") of Christians that completely misinterpret the Bible- it's not like I'm even close to accurate (obviously!) but at least I'm on the right track. Honestly though, how can anyone take what they call "God's Word" at face-value. It's sickening how simple people can be about things so far beyond themselves- what an insult to God!

Back to Jesus: In taking the sin upon himself- I strongly believe that this refers to the evolution of man. See, before man- there was just animals- no self-awareness.

To further understand- I'll shed some more light on my theories regarding the Soul:

The Soul is running away from itself- in denial, just as we are. That is because, in order to create life, death needed to be created. To create ecstasy, despair needed to be created. This was the price of Balance. The soul took upon itself those ugly qualities (the ones listed halfway through what I've written so far) so that it might give birth to the positives. The Soul did this so that it could have meaning, and because it was inevitable- it was in its nature to bestow benevolence. This soul is our God, and is always a part of us....Okay, for the time being ending creepy mystical mutterings...

Naturally, the Soul could not bear this state of being (hell), so it thrust itself into its creation, and became ignorant. The soul enjoyed bliss in this ignorance- animals, plants, and all life at that time, had naught but instincts, and thus had no reason to find the Soul. This is not unfeasible, as most humans today have the gift of self-awareness but do not use it, leaving it dormant.

But, in accordance with Balance, the Soul innately struggled to correct the imperfection of its beasts, and these struggles took on the form of evolution, with its battle-scars taking on the form of mutation, and its confusion was mirrored in natural chaos. As the struggle became exponentially intense, a split occurred within the Soul- this was also a necessity of balance. The struggle had reached a level so great that it threatened to destroy Balance, and an innate failsafe defense mechanism was activated within Balance, resulting in the first miracle. This miracle, having split the Soul into two, formed what I will call the "Thesis" and "Antithesis". Both the Thesis and Antithesis seek to be reunited under a Synthesis- but, in accordance with balance, this is not possible because that desire is neutralized with an equal and opposite force.

*Please note: Contrary to Augustine's theory that God exists outside time, my account, assuming "God" to be "the creator", exists within time-- Balance always exists, therefore time does. Even though God has always existed, he did within time, because Balance is also eternal. My "God" is also not infinite, and is bound by the laws of Balance.

The desire for synthesis is mirrored in our own lives to this day, because it is necessary for Balance. One might ask the question, is there then the possibility that there is also imbalance?- But if the answer was yes, that would be a moot paradox, so I wouldn't bother. (see Illogical)

Also, these events are somewhat reflected in the story of Cain and Abel.

Eventually, amid the struggles between the negative and positive that is the Soul, life evolved into increasingly complex organisms. But, in accordance with Balance, existence must be sustained by non-existence- thus, As many who are born must die. Because the animals were reproducing and flourishing, more were being born than were dying.

*Please note- keep in mind that although the Thesis and Antithesis are fighting, neither are self-aware of it, as their self-awareness is dormant within now-primitive life. Their subconsciousness's are dualing, and they are only aware of the effects, in the forms of chaos and mutation.

*Also- these circumstances are reflected in the story of Noah's Ark, particularly Gen. 6:1-7.

Now Balance was approaching the failsafe point, and- aware that the Soul had self-awareness, corrected the deficit by calling out the Soul (Antithesis and Thesis) to make a choice: allow the creation to be destroyed (which would be the second miracle), or make another sacrifice to correct the Balance in their stead. Because the Soul was now two different beings, the choice would have to be made separately. This decision could have been the long-awaited Synthesis, because both the Negative and Positive desired for life to continue flourishing. But Synthesis did not come to be.

The Positive Essence decided to sacrifice its self-awareness eternally, taking the form of Heaven or, more accurately, Nirvana.

The Negative Essence decided to keep it's self-awareness, but eternally resigned its right to ignorance, forever tormented to the ends permitted by Balance- its unhappiness mirroring the happiness of life, and vice versa. Thus, in order for life to be happy, it must be unhappy- we essentially depend on the unhappiness of the negative essence. It took the form of Hell or, more accurately, Samsara.

*Please note that there is a big difference between ignorance and self-awareness. The Positive Essence did not become ignorant by losing its self-awareness- if fact, if I understand Buddhism philosophy correctly, losing self-awareness is essential for losing all ignorance.

*As you probably already guessed, the Positive Essence's sacrifice was mirrored through the life and teachings of Gautama Buddha.

*Also note- The irony: Buddha discovered that the cause of human suffering was ignorance, but this is only one type of truth, which is derived from the Positive essence. Just as our well-being mirrors Samsara, our self-awareness mirrors the Positive Soul's lack thereof. Thus, because the Positive Soul is statically in a state of Nirvana, Balance must correct our ignorance with suffering, in accordance with Nirvana's complete lack of ignorance. On the other hand our ignorance can also grant us happiness, as ignorance makes our creator (the Negative side) unhappy. In other words, two negatives, when multiplied, make a positive. See here: God hates being ignored. Why do you think this commandment takes top spot on the 10?

*The Negative Essence was mirrored long before the Positive Essence did (Hinduism), but the effects were not fully realized until the life of Jesus. Because of the complications caused by the division of the Essences, and the sacrifices thereof, many miracles occurred up until the time of Jesus, and echoed until long after, in accordance. The effects of the Positive Essence need no be mirrored long, because it actually returned to its original self- essentially rendering it's role in the creation of life nonexistent. The original miracle through Which Nirvana's choice was reflected, was told in the allegory of Jacob and Esau (Gen. 25:30-34). Just as Esau gave up his birthright, Nirvana did as well. Key here is verse 34: ..."thus Esau despised his birthright." This mirrors the notion that Nirvana did not want it's birthright, because self-awareness actually held it captive, thus being more a hindrance than help.

(Just a thought)

Mirroring how Samsara took every kind of agony possible upon itself, Jesus took every sin upon himself. The Negative Essence became Samsara, taking Hell upon itself so that we might live- thus, the balance, at least for the time being, was complete.

Now all that remains is our choice. Because we were made in the Image of the Soul, we have self-consciousness. However, our self-consciousness is incomplete- metaphorically speaking, half complete. This is why we have two selfs. One of our selves has self-awareness, the other does not. That is because we are based upon and depend on two different Essences, of one Soul- one Essence has self-consciousness; the other does not. These two different selfs take the form of the Id and Ego.

The Id is the self-consciousless persona, derived from Nirvana

The Ego is the self-conscious persona, derived from Samsara

thus, Balance is achieved, and all that is left is for us to make the choice:

The Antithesis, the Thesis, or the Synthesis?

If we choose the Antithesis, Nirvana is achieved, ultimately

If we choose the Thesis, We will maintain self-awareness, but perpetually share with the happiness and unhappiness of the Samsara. Unfortunately, to correct the Imbalance required for us to live, we must ultimately suffer, as the suffering must outweigh happiness to compensate for life. This will continue, until we either choose Nirvana, or the third choice- the Synthesis:

Not a true Synthesis, but: We run away from our true selves, gaining ignorance through bliss, and pleasure through Denial. This is, unfortunately, the choice of the vast majority of the world. Although it is clearly the best choice for us, it is the greatest sin one can possibly commit, as we are gaining pleasure as the direct consequence of God's suffering. That is because by ignoring God we are doing that which makes him suffer most, and thus gain the greatest pleasure from it.

To end with a few verses that best reflect that last paragraph:

Mark 8- "34Then he called the crowd to him along with his disciples and said: "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. 35For whoever wants to save his life^[c] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it. 36What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? 37Or what can a man give in exchange for his soul?" If you really think about it, you'll be taken off-guard at how closely these words match up to this post! ps.- this is probably the most on-the-spot biblical re-translation I've ever done on the spot in my life- guess I showed that Redneck/Asshole!

Do you know me anymore

This painted farce that I have become

A brittle smile

Faded eyes

A pseudo laugh

A ironic joke that I have become

Do you recognize me?

You once danced with me

Proudly steering me through the crowded room

Proud in your possession

Of one such as me,

Now your eyes cloud

As you try to remember

This woman who tugs at memories

Of nights long forgotten

Do you know me anymore

This painted farce that I have become?

You there by the fire

With your arms around your new wife

Do you recognize me

The one who built the fire-place

With her bare hands

To show you her feelings

Do you remember

The warmth that we shared

By the cold dank staircase?

Do you know me anymore

This painted farce I have become?

You standing by the door

Of your latest fast toy

Do you remember how you closed my eyes

To get me to stop screaming with fear

So you could go as fast as you wanted?

Do you do that for her

Or has she entered your domain

With eyes wide open?

Do you know me anymore

This painted farce I have become?

Friend, lover, confidante

Do you know me anymore

This painted farce that I have become

A brittle smile

Faded eyes

A pseudo laugh

The ironic joke

That is me?

Scattered

So that you do not feel the harsh ground beneath?

Do you still gaze at the beautiful view

Accorded by the paintings

Hung to hide the drabness of your surroundings?

Do you still listen in fascination

To the aria specially composed for you

To drown out the screams of reality from your ears?

Do you still sleep on eider beds

With feathered pillows and gossamer blankets

So that the cruel harshness of cotton doesn't touch you?

Do you still gaze up at the ceilings

Painted as an image of a perfect dawn

So that you do not know the ferocious darkness of the night?

Do you still live

After they took the right away from you

To experience pain?

Why do they wonder

At the absence of your smile

When they have taken your capacity

To get hurt

Away from you?

You won’t relent until You have it all // My heart is Yours!

This is such a powerful prayer.

"But Stephen, full of the Holy Spirit, hardly noticed—he only had eyes for God, whom he saw in all his glory with Jesus standing at his side..."
Acts 7:55 (The Message)

Hardly noticed the mobs, the crowds, the yelling... Stephen was praying this... :-)

Boldness.  Willing to risk rejection.  Fearless. Daring.
All of those are ways to describe the early Church.  Are we bold? Are we fearless?

Every time I read the story of Ananias and Sapphira, the same shock comes over me.  I love how blunt Peter is, "How could you agree to test the Spirit of the Lord?"  Why do we continually test the Spirit of the Lord?   Peter was bold, willing to risk rejection, fearless and daring.

The apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders among the people. And all the believers used to meet together in Solomon's Colonnade. No one else dared join them, even though they were highly regarded by the people.
Acts 5:12-13

No one dared joined them... I think Christians need to put themselves in more situations that people would only dare to go to.  Why?  I know if I'm daring to go somewhere-- I'm going to pray about.. a lot.  I think that when you put yourself in a situation, you have to turn to God.  You completely rely on Him.  Now imagine having to completely rely on Him during times when you go and share.  Most of the time, you have some type of physical comfort.  Sometimes this comfort could get in the way.

But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God."
Acts 5:39

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO STOP THESE MEN!  Wow. What an adamant statement. What a bold statement.  Why I highlighted it - is... sometimes the lost are more bold than we are. This is sad... As a fearless Christian, we should exclaim, "Our words are from God... You will not be able to stop us!"

Dear Faithful Christian,

I do not know what difficulties and challenges you face.  Nor will I pretend to understand what you've been going through.  But I offer you this small reminder from our Lord and Savior who loves you.  Stay strong and remember that you are not alone.  God is always with you; and there is at least one person out there who's thinking about you.  I pray the Lord will bring you His everlasting comfort and joy in this difficult time.

I don’t think I like storms much

Forgive me, but I don’t think I like storms as such.

 The torrents of water

Pouring down

Remind me of the flow

Of my crimson tears

As you beat me

To quench your thirst for my blood

And they all stood by

Doing nothing, Saying nothing

Other than that it was your God-given right

I don’t think I like storms much

Forgive me, but I don’t think I like storms as such.

 The peals of thunder crashing by

Tearing through the sheets held over my ears

Talk to me of the nights

When regardless of my painful screams

You took me whichever way you liked

Ignoring the blood flowing down my legs

And they applauded you

For you had shown them you were a man

Taking his right to me

The birth-right of a man

I don’t think I like storms much

Forgive me, but I don’t think I like storms as such.

 The lightning forks down

And I can see the light for a second

Through the window

Before you pull the curtains shut

As you pulled the doors shut

To lock me in

Away from the temptations

That my licentious heart would fall for

And you licked out my desires

One by one

For light and day, for the sun and the stars

With the whip

Wielded in front of all

Who acknowledged your right

To lock me away

To wither

I don’t think I like storms much

Forgive me, but I don’t think I like storms as such.

 They are loud, egoistic in their dominance

Merciless

The way you are

Every time I look up;

So I wait the storms out

The way I wait you out

In the bed, with my blankets above me

Shivering in pain and fear

Fearing that I would be washed away

With the storms you have brought in my life

A right to wash me away

That you claimed

By tying a little thread around my neck.

I don’t think I like storms much

Forgive me, but I don’t think I like storms as such.

 

Note to the poem: Before the protectors of India come out with their clubs to argue on how this does not happen anymore here, I would like to draw your attention to the stories of domestic abuse that still make the news on a number of days. If you state that you have not heard or seen or read about any of it, I am glad that you have led a very sheltered life and hope that the same can be told of a few years from now for every woman.

I would also like to acknowledge that men are subject to abuse and that we hear lesser about them unfortunately, however, I have only covered the topic of abuse of a wife here.

Do you remember the walks we tread

A fine summer's day last year?

The entwined hands, the secret winks

The smell of happiness in the air

Coaxing and cajoling the butterflies

Into landing on my hands

So that I could rave about the colours;

A kaleidoscopic floral display you would bring forth

For no reason at all

Trying to get me to remember the names

Of all the blossoms that were there

Which for me only spelt Heaven;

Amore Mio,

Your favourite phrase

Which you would whisper

To dispel my dark anger at times

To get me to smile again

That same stupid love-stuck sappy smile

Of devotion;

Amore mio

Your favourite term

For the next girl down the line

And my favourite term

For the next man in my life

I can picture you now

Smiling at all the others

And I am glad

That you are not disconsolate at what was

But that you have moved

As have I,

Amore Mio

Would it be ironic if I said

I remember the names of the blooms

Better than our shared winks?

Download Wallpaper Changer

Visit the Official Homepage

Download the Scripture Wallpaper zip pack

Open up the gates Lord for us.  God is amazing. I'm studying Acts 8 right now and am having hard times catching my blog up to my life...  i'll try harder?

"Now I plead with you, brethren, by the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment." I Corinthians 1:10

Same mind, and same judgment. One body, one mind, one heart. I dont know. I dont feel united as Christians, at all. There are so many who give us a bad name, that it scares the rest of us in to sitting still bc we are afraid of being judged. Is that it? Or maybe we are just selfish. Maybe we want to do the part of Gods work that is easy.

"Telling people how they should live" but when it comes to loving people, and living that way ourselves, its too hard and we just want to blend in and be liked by everyone. Paul tells us that in order to be a good servant of the Lord, we must crucify our flesh as Jesus was crucified. Meaning, those things we want to do … just to be like the rest of the world, we shouldnt do. We are called to live in holiness. Everyone. Whether you accept that call or not, its up to you… but you must do one or the other.

James says "Therefore lay aside all filthiness and overflow of wickedness, and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls."

Thats our call to holiness. And not just to receive the words, but to put them in to action.

James goes on to say "But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man observing his natural face in a mirror; for he observes himself, goes away, and immediately forgets what kind of man he was."

Dont be afraid of living the way you were called to live. You know it in your heart, you can feel it. Ignoring it, is just deceiving yourself.  Yeah its hard, and yeah youre gonna mess up. But in James it also says "Humble yourseves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up."

In order to be one body, we must separate ourselves from the world. Not the people in the world, but the attitude. The immediate gratification. The casual sex, the drinking and drugs, the porn, the gossiping all that stuff that in the moment, may make you feel good… but once you look at yourself in the mirrow, your heart feels a little bit darker. The things that you know, arent the way the God you decided to serve, wants you to live. Stop ignoring those inklings and ask God to help you out of it.

We need to be one body. Same judgement. One heart with one goal. We cant do that until we disconnect from those things that arent getting us anywhere. I know its hard, but lets pick ourselves up. Lets pick eachother up so we can serve Him who sent us.

Peter says:

"as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance; but as He who called you is holy, you also be holy in all your conduct." IPeter 1:14-15

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. 2 The same was in the beginning with God. 3 All things were made through him; and without him was not anything made that hath been made. 4 In him was life; and the life was the light of men. 5 And the light shineth in the darkness; and the darkness apprehended it not. 6 There came a man, sent from God, whose name was John. 7 The same came for witness, that he might bear witness of the light, that all might believe through him. 8 He was not the light, but came that he might bear witness of the light. 9 There was the true light, even the light which lighteth every man, coming into the world. 10 He was in the world, and the world was made through him, and the world knew him not. 11 He came unto his own, and they that were his own received him not. 12 But as many as received him, to them gave he the right to become children of God, even to them that believe on his name: 13 who were born, not of blood, nor of the will of the flesh, nor of the will of man, but of God. 14 And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us (and we beheld his glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father), full of grace and truth. 15 John beareth witness of him, and crieth, saying, This was he of whom I said, He that cometh after me is become before me: for he was before me. 16 For of his fulness we all received, and grace for grace. 17 For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ. 18 No man hath seen God at any time; the only begotten Son, who is in the bosom of the Father, he hath declared him .

On average it takes ten minutes for me to get angry over something. Unless it is a direct threat, my reactions are terribly sluggish and short-lived. Yes, my anger, my only friend, abandons me constantly. I don't know if I'm going to feel it when I should, or not feel it altogether. I loathe the realization that my actions/reactions are as unpredictable as a a coin tossed into the air; my mood does as it pleases, and it can go one of two ways, but I never know which. It makes me feel reckless, out of control...even a little crazy. How can you not know how you'll respond? I've been me for long enough now, I should know by now, yet I don't. But I did, I used to know. But like everything else, the shift in me rendered it all useless information.

It's only recently that I discovered that I can control the numbness to an extent, how I can use it as a weapon or a shield if I just gather enough anger to pull it all off. And that's the problem, the getting angry enough part. Even when I do manage to get myself into a state of mind capable of switching me over, it can only be done for a very short time. It's not long before that voiceless thought says to me, You think you can control this, you think you are good enough, strong enough?  Flashes of bad memories. Flashes of people I don't want to remember. Flashes of me at points of humiliation. Self hate. All-consuming. And sometimes it's so strong that I back down because I'm so mentally exhausted from fending it all off, of repeatedly shouting at myself to shut the fuck up. I break down and let it win, let it make me suffer, all because I'm too weak to fight it. Let it play the memories for hours on end, let it deprive me of sleep, because sometimes that's better than having to summon enough feeling to care that I'm hurting myself. I fight everyday, I get better, yet at the same time I feel something inside progressively withering away, weakening from the constant pressure. It wants to snap, fold, give way to a power better than itself because it is sickened from all the fighting.

I seek a peace I will never have. I know that there will always be a stuggle until I pick a side. I've always been the type to stick to middle ground rather than facing a decision head on. I feel like I lose options if I make a choice. The one thing I do like: open options. Let it beat me into submission, let it tear me apart...maybe I deserve it for all those times I was an idiot and helped others instead of helping myself. I deserve it for being so stupid and caring, allowing the world to decide how I think about myself, concerning myself over their every whim. All the while it said I made a mistake...and that I'd pay dearly for it...forever.

Suffer an eternity below me,
Spread your legs like the world's whore
Do what they say, forget what you think
You are your own worst memory
It's too bad you're alive
But it's not too bad that you have to die
Accept me, or take a dark fate
These wounds I inflict will never heal

I think that was the fastest I've ever written a poem. It's almost shocking that I knew so well what I wanted to say.... I always felt like in every friendship, I've always given so much but never gotten even a small amount of it back. Unwaveringly loyal, that is me. But most of all...I am completely and totally unforgiving, even of myself.

P.S. I found some post cards on the table this morning, which apparently my mom has been sending since the beginning of her trip, but I never read since my dad never told me about them. When I picked them up I felt a twinge of something...maybe caring? But it disappeared instantaneously. She's been gone almost 2 months, yet I can't bring myself to care. I can't bring myself to care about anything. It hurts to be like this.... I can't love, I can't care. I can't be anything but a hollow, lifeless thing. And the worst part is...I doesn't matter to me.

Yes, I have that feeling in my bones again. This feeling ive had since I was a little kid dreaming of Jesus coming back. that was before I even knew what that really meant. I remember those dreams so vividly, and I now appreciate how amazing those dreams were. Jesus appeared to me when I was little. He told me He was coming back soon. I didnt know what to do except be excited to see Him again, but in the past few years, I have really come to understand why He told me that so long ago. And I understand why those dreams have stuck with me for so long.

 I understand now that our time is limited, and I need to start affecting the world more than I am. There are people looking for Jesus, and there are people dying without knowing Him. I cant live knowing that without trying to do something about it. A friend of mine said that she regularly prays for faith so strong, it makes others uncomfortable. Im at that same point.

Ive been here before. Everytime I get to this point, something gets in to my head and convinces me that Im fine where I am, Im affecting peoples lives everyday and thats enough. So I pull back, because its easier to do that, than put myself out there and get laughed at by people who think my beliefs are ridiculous. That hurts. That pain of rejection causes me in many cases to pull back. Its just easier.

But whats easier for me, affects the lives of others. In my innermost being, I know I was created for more. More than walking around with a smile, something greater than being more polite than the average person. Giving more than an extra tip to the waiters and sushi chefs.

I used to think that "fellowship" was the most important thing, and most important way to affect the world. if people see how much you love one another, then they will want to know why you love each other so much. Now, I dont think thats really the case. Yes, fellowship is necessary... but I know now what I was involved in was not healthy fellowship. We spent all of our time together, with the same group of 5-10 people. Every day, doing the same thing. Cooped up in an apartment or sometimes we would take the occasional road trip. while it was fun while it lasted, ive come to find that it did not convey a positive message to those who were not a part of it.

Most, if not all, of my unsaved friends hold the opinion that I was a part of a cult. I had no idea of this, and when I heard it, it stung. Then I asked, "why do you think that?" and my friend replied "well you hung out with the same people every day, and did the same thing every day, and you guys didnt even do any church things" and i said "church things?" and the friend said "yeah, besides going to church, you guys just hung out all the time." 

I was offended. And I initially chalked the friends' (there was more than one saying this at the same time so it more or less felt like an attack) opinion up to their unbelief in God and resentment towards Him and those associated with Him.

But then I thought about it. What was being said here? What was being said was,
"you isolated me from your social circle, and in essence made me feel neglected and not worth your time."

Rather ignorantly, I and my friends at the time were NOT spreading the love that Christ has for every single person, what we were saying to the world was "we dont want to hang out with you because you dont believe in God," just by hanging out together all the time and not being inclusive.

Who did Jesus have dinner with? Tax collectors, the most HATED people because they turned their backs on their Jewish heritage, to work for the Romans and basically ripped off the very people they were a part of. Who did Jesus touch and heal? Among the many were lepers. people who were so disfigured and considered unclean that no one wanted to even be around them, let alone touch them. Who did Jesus listen to and grant forgiveness to? The prostitute, the overlooked beggar on the street, the many people who thought they had done so much wrong they were unworthy of such forgiveness and love. Who did Jesus criticize more than anyone? the pharisees. The "religious leaders" who were observing the law with their flesh but not their heart. Those who criticized His outpouring of love and forgiveness upon those who had broken the jewish law and genuinely repented. Those who would not DARE have lunch with tax collectors, touch a leper, or show mercy to a prostitute, theif or debtor. No doubt those pharisees hung out all the time and contemplated ancient texts and the law and everything "religious". No doubt they felt secure in the things they did every day. They observed the holidays, followed the law to a T, and kept company with those like them. But Jesus says to them: (In Matthew 23)

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut up the kingdom of heaven against men; for you neither go in yourselves, nor do you allow those who are entering to go in." He also says...

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you cleanse the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of extortion and self-indulgence"

I am not saying that fellowship is not good, it is in the Bible that it is very important! But, we need to do some serious self evaluation of ourselves and the things that take up our time.

what is fellowship? Is it gathering in an apartment and playing board games until the sun rises? Is it taking roadtrips, hanging out all the time, occasionally talking about Jesus and Bible passages with a closely knit group of friends? Or is it banding together with the primary purpose of affecting the world around you for the glory of God?

Which affects the most people for the better? For the glory of Jesus Christ?

Why not go feed the homeless together? Volunteer at a shelter or hospital? Habitat for humanity? Do a breast cancer or MS or march of dimes walk together? Why not go street witnessing? Or plan a missions trip to a nearby city? Or you could hold worship services outside in a park somewhere. Collect blankets and canned goods and maybe put your money together to sponsor a child in another country? Or any ministry for that matter. Do these things in the name of Jesus, for the purpose of spreading the very love He showed for every single person on earth.

Its easy to lose focus of why we are here. Yeah, life is meant to be fun and enjoyable and we are supposed to appreciate the moments we are blessed with. But we are also here to work.  We are here to spread His message. Time is limited, and I for one am having a hard time swallowing that I wasted so much time in "fellowship" that was unbeneficial to the world around me. "Fellowship" that left my dearest friends feeling deserted and isolated from my life. I dont think thats what God had in mind for us.

I think we were all meant for something more.

"See then that you walk carefully, not as fools but as wise, redeeming the time, because the dayse are evil. Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is." Ephesians 5:15-16