anyways, i just wanted to say i'm not that bad off right now... and i'll be better

carpe deim

You can't put them down, see, and that amused my father to no end. Someone asked for a drink, he delivered and then became the personification of Mirth as he watched them struggle with what to do with it. They were very hard to put away in the cabinets, too, but that wasn't as funny as it was a total fucking pain in the ass.

This week feels like that, only, the universe isn't content to hand me one of those beverage containers, it wishes to hand me more and more, and cackle as I try to hold all of them.

The first, the biggest, is of course that this is the week of A Year Ago Todays. A Year Ago on Saturday, -Ray sent an email telling me she had cancer. A Year Ago today, I got the last email I'd ever get from her. A Year Ago this weekend, she and Ruby were murdered. This cup comes with things like emails from people I haven't corresponded with since last September, or people whom I am connected to solely because of the events of last September. It's all so hard. All year I've read and re-read the emails between myself, Ray and John from that week and now, lately, I cannot bear to open that folder.

The second cup-that-can't-be-put-down is somewhat my own fault. The Eldest of the Fries will turn 18 next week. He seems to have been misinformed about this event; there's apparently supposed to be a huge rending of the universe and the trust fund will kick in and he'll be emancipated from all familial bonds. OR, he'll turn 18 and still have to go to high school and such. So, my child who thus far hasn't been a real teenager; the one with whom I share a love for comic books (we're currently racing to read Sandman graphic novels as they arrive in the mail) and quirky humor, the one I can always count on to be reasonable, well, he's moving in with his father.

Normally, we have this two week/two week split. It's across town. It's not really going away, but it is. It's something he needs to do, I understand that and my heart is broken. And, because I am a complete and total idiot, I scheduled the moving out to happen this weekend, the anniversary of Ray and Ruby's deaths.

Weekend of Suck, anyone?

The third cup--and it's smaller, but still, I can't hold so many at one time effectively--arrived in my inbox today. An email from an old friend. When I say "Old Friend" I mean, "A person I was once friends with who was really quite mean to me and who ditched me when the chips were down." This person found me on Facebook, and sent this note hoping I was the person she thought I might be, how we were such great friends until we "lost touch" (read: she stopped replying to emails then moved away without telling me) and how warmly she thinks of me.

I am thinking about my reply to that. I suspect it will go something like this:

Dear Former Friend:

It was so interesting to hear from you. The last time we saw each other face to face, I remember that you told me that my wedding pictures looked like shit. You told me that my now-husband and I looked funny together because I'm taller than him. You used to like to set me up by inviting me to an event you billed as a party, helping me pick a sexy-party outfit, then taking me to a an event that was an academic gathering, not a party. I understand now that you were deeply insecure, but at the time, my relationship with you was one of two very unhealthy situations that contributed to my difficulties later. I've spent some money on you in therapy, Former Friend. I heard about some of the things you said about me around the department after I left. They weren't so friendly. So, I wonder, Former Friend, have you changed? Did you contact me to apologize? Or does it warm your heart to recall the leash you kept me on?

I, like you, am very curious as to what's up with you.

Whether or not I can sack up to send that email is questionable. But I feel like I might could do it. I will thank her for playing the role I needed her to play in order for me to learn some things about friendship and desperation and what happens when one person buys into the idea that they are So Lucky to be friends with someone so fabulous and wonderful and superior in every way. I felt lucky to have her because she had really beautiful hair, if that tells you where I carried my self-esteem in those days.  

The cups, they just keep on being handed to me, and I keep on trying to hold on to them while the universe giggles. My position in the universe right now is very much in flux; things are changing--my life, my internal processes, my relationships. I want nothing more than for Ray to be here to talk to during this, I want nothing more than to have her and Ruby back. Ray would be happy to hold a cup for second, if I asked. She'd point out that seriously, a cup you can't put down, that's pretty funny.

Times like these I just have to walk through. I have to live with a few spills, it's going to have its messy moments and stumbles, but I'll keep walking. Sometimes I do feel Ray with me, I know she's there. I know that the time is coming when I will begin to let go of her and Ruby, and I'm scared, but I know that even though I'm not there yet, it will be okay when I do get there. Nothing will change my heart, or the place she holds in it. Nothing will change my love for the Eldest of the Fries, even as I try to let him go sooner than planned.

The key, really, is setting the cup down anyway. The smart guest went to the sink, poured out the beverage, and asked for a different container. You gotta hold 'em long enough to appreciate the joke, but when you're done, you're done.

I saw the Master's hands

In every tree and brook.

I felt His sweet caress

Everywhere I looked.

The clouds, the trees,

the birds, the breeze

all were an expression of love for me.

I felt the Master's touch

in the majestic mountainside.

I basked in the sweet kiss

as the morning mist

crashed, crushed and caressed me inside.

I was helped, held, and healed in the embrace

Of my loving Higher Power.

The Sunlight of the  Spirit

Rolled over me.

Again and again.
I am now in a holy place.

I was washed in the mountain rain.

I was cleansed in a Ocean filled

With love and mercy.

It removed the first hundred layers of pain.

The waterfall in the mountains

renewed me through and through.

I am ready to rejoin life.

I might even want to be with you.

The love of Master is always with me.

I know that more today.

I am glad I went to the mountains.

I am so glad I stopped to pray.

I was helped, held, and healed  in the embrace

Of my loving Higher Power.

The Sunlight of the  Spirit

Rolled over me.
It stays with me this hour.

He walked out the door with an ease that made me sick to my stomach. Damn near 18 years old with a mind of his own, ideas of his own but with very little regard for my feelings or the feelings of anyone who has sacrificed for him. He tossed the house keys at me as if casting all the love I'd felt for this child since his conception meant nothing. He told me he'd never be back. The sickening thing is that I believe him. The next sickening moment was watching him get into his Dad's car and drive away. His Dad is a dumbshit, loafer, non-child support paying asshole but in that moment I knew that my son was better off going with his other parental unit then he would have been if this had happened once he'd turned 18. At 18 he could have just walked out the door with his idiotic friends and gotten into a hell of a lot of trouble.

Fuck the grammar and syntax of this post. Fuck the world for that matter. This is where I'm supposed to suck it up and tell myself "It comes with the territory... he'd have moved out when he was 18 anyway. You have to let them go." I don't want to damn it. I feel betrayed, unwanted, unloved and unappreciated.

I want to stomp my feet and scream at the world. I want to throw myself on the bed and give in to great heaving sobs of pain and remorse. I want to curse the world because being a parent sucks as much as it's a joy. I want to call my parents and tell them I love them.  I want to be a silhouette and become the darkness while the light goes on around me.

If there is one thing I hate it is waiting. I hate people keeping me waiting. I do not have and will never find that patience to just let it go. I don't like broken promises and lateness. Is it a crime for people to keep their word? If you know you might not be able to keep it then don't say you will do it. Is it a crime to expect people to be on time? If you cannot be for reasons beyond your control I can understand that, but if it is just because you like to be late then don't have anything to do with me.

Those are just the surface issues of my frustration. I question existence and life. I hear all the time that suffering makes you stronger, but is that true strength? I have suffered a lot and so has my family but are we truly strong because of it. No we are not, we are standing on hollow strength and if a tempest of a storm comes then we will surely shatter under its power. I don't want to be strong all the time, I want to be able to rely on others strength.

I am full of frustrating right now because when my family hurts I hurt too. When my family is being given the short end of the stick, that means I wallow in that pain too. I ask God, how much longer will life be like this? Where everyday is a battle for survival. Where we are always just making ends meet. How much longer will my mother suffer to provide us with a life. How much longer will her body be broken and her confidence destroyed. How can my sister be suffering like this at 23 years old. She should not have to work this hard, she should not have to stress like this. She is a child and yet she has never gotten to enjoy her youth.

Lord, I pray to you all the time and I have to admit that I wonder if you hear me. Is my voice reaching you? Is my soul near to you? Are you surrounding me or am I standing alone? I need you to see me and hear me. I need you to give us a breakthrough. I am asking you Lord for a miracle. A miracle of happiness and peace. Calm these waters so that we can cross and find a new place...a better place and life must exist for us. I know that each person has their pain, but Lord I am me and this is my family and I am begging you with all that is in me to give us a sign that you are with us. We are losing hope and we are barely making it through each day.

It seems like when everything is finally coming together, it begins to break even more. Why is it Lord that suffering is our daily bread? I see so much and it pains me to watch my family suffer. What did my mother ever do to deserve the cruelness of my father? What did my sibling and I do to deserve a man who is nothing like a father in my eyes. What did my precious mother do so that in all these years she has not met anyone who can sweep away the cobwebs my father left and make her see the beauty of love and life. What did we do so that we were given a father who neither loves or acknowledges us. A father who is like a leech sucking the life out of you till you wither and die. Why? Why? Why?

I ask myself all the time why life is like this. I sometimes think maybe we are a cursed family. Why did I have to grow up in the ugliness of this world? Why did I have to grown up without a childhood? Why did I have to be an adult so soon? Why do I have the burdens at my age. In a few weeks I will be 21 years old. So what? Will life finally settle down? Lord I believe in you, but I am having my doubts.

You see my heart so you know what lies within me and sometimes it scares me. I want to have that hope and that faith but lately I am losing both steadily. I lose hope in this world everyday as the cruelness of it grows deeper. My faith is tested in the wake of all these obstacles. The suffering seems never-ending, and the burdens only seem to grow in weight. Please, Lord I want to know that you are near me. That you are my shield and armor. I want to believe that life gets better, that m family won't always be conflicted.

I want to believe that there is beauty in this world. I want to believe and trust in humanity and the goodness of people. I want to believe that my life has meaning beyond trials and that I will triumph over them all. I want to believe that you have a reason for all of this and it will come to light soon. I am desperate to believe in you but Lord the wounds never heal. My soul is scarred and those wounds are too deep to ever give me peace.

There is so much conflict inside of me because of this life. I look around and the tears flood over because I am so tired of being strong. I cannot be the pillar for my family. I am a child, your child please hold me. I am withering in the agony of those around me. What can I do for them? What can I do with my life to make it better for the people I love. Show me, tell me, guide me and I will do it. I will do anything for them so that their lives can be unburdened. If only I knew what to do, please Lord don't let this world destroy me.

Everyday I wake up and I think of the precious mother that you gave me. I think of her and my heart is heavy. How can one person carry so many burdens. How can one person be punished when she had done nothing to deserve it. The sadness that lingers in her is in me Lord. I am her daughter and I am begging you that before you take her from this world show her the beauty of life. Let me sacrifices lead to greatness. Whether that greatness lies within her children let it be in her life. Let her reap the benefits of what she has sowed.

Suffering has not made me strong. I am that leaf blowing in the wind. Shivering from the coldness and unable to settle calmly on this earth. You gave me this life, let there be a reason for it, and let me live it. My tears are a constant companion and I have become a guarded person. The actions of those before have shaped me into this silhouette of humanity. Do not let my future be defined by these tragedies.

I want to believe that this life has meaning and that my existence is for a purpose more than just the painfulness of living.

I watched the sky.
I wondered ‘why?’
(Why is life more intense?)
I watched as my pain
Formed into rain.
It renewed the earth as it fell.
The earth sprung up
Into the mountainous skies.
The beauty was shards to Soul.
I caressed the
shards with my eyes;
wanting it to cut deep.
Cut away the dross.
Cut away the loss.
The peaks were covered with misty fog.
The peaks were covered in rain.
The peaks were breathing in glorious snow.
I was very jealous.
I needed to feel that connected.
I wanted to lie on the top mountain peak.
I wanted to caress the forest’s floor.
I wanted to know.
I wanted to be.
I wanted to be real.
I craved renewal and purpose.
I needed to be free
of the pain of your passing.
I wanted to feel.
Stillness.
Freedom.
I longed for
a mission.
I had to have
the compulsion to go onward.
I did not feel anything like that at all.
Then the Sun came out.
It silhouetted the trees
Covered them in a raindrop-halo
which glistened.
While they danced in the breeze:
the beauty poured over me,
the beauty bombarded Soul,
the beauty went through me.
I drove away whole.
Now in the rear-view mirror
I have my direction.
I will return to the mountains
I will walk through the valleys and peaks.
I will do the next ‘right thing’.
I will be a mountain or raindrop.
Depending on the day.
I will be in touch with my life.
I will learn to say no
To the needs of another
When my own needs are intense.
I will return to these mountains
when I need to get in touch
With my loving departed parents
Whom I long to hold so much.
I put a rock in my pocket.

Psalm 126:6-7

6

Those who sowed with tears *
will reap with songs of joy.

7

Those who go out weeping, carrying the seed, *
will come again with joy, shouldering their sheaves.

These are the last two verses of the psalm appointed for today in the Lection of Lesser Feasts and Fasts, remembering the Martyrs of New Guinea.  Your trials may not include the physical martyrdom endured by these Missionaries remembered this day, but the fact of the matter is that every life lived in faith and discipleship is going to require a death of one sort or another.

In Sunday's gospel from Matthew (16:21-28) Jesus makes clear that dying to self is a requirement of discipleship.  Jesus makes clear that surrender and emptying of self, abandonment of personal agendas and a radical trust on God in times of severe trial and bad news is the narrow way to living the life of Holy Union with God in Christ that we are all invited to tread.

For today (and face it that's all we can face right now), I choose to believe that every road of sorrows I've traveled with weeping in my heart and tears on my cheeks, will be overshadowed by the marvelous homecoming bathed in unbridled joy which the Psalmist speaks of here.

May all our tears be followed by the songs of joy that come only from God, the creator of all.  The one which is in all and is the hope of our salvation.

There is no absolute peace save for that which is found in death and in the end of all meaning and struggle.

Fear of death drives us away from peace and towards living and suffering in the struggle of life.

It is in contrast to suffering that all our joy is defined and in fear we find one peak for such contrast.

Fear leads to suffering, but it is in the acceptance of fear and suffering that you can realize that all vital joy and pleasure are based on contrast to fear and suffering.

There is no joy or pleasure without an underlying fear and suffering that is being thrived over by vital fitness that provides an illusion of distance from the object of that fear which is weakness and death.

We suffer from weakness and fear death, but our joy is not possible without our fitness and triumph of power in contrast to weakness and death.

In facing a sorrow over the loss of vitality, over death, is a peak of another contrast and a source for a birth of beauty and awe.

It is less of a vital struggle of life the closer to facing death and accepting the sorrow one can go while going further from fear.

If one wishes to value life, linked to death as it is, one must have a balance between fear and sorrow.

A balanced acceptance of the nature of life, pleasure and happiness as they rise from the contrast to death, suffering and sorrow. Their unrest, of the mad pursuit for reason that in contrast to the lack of meaning to existence is spawned from our demand for meaning to our existence as dictated by the will to life coded in our blood that demands an attraction towards survival.

An acceptance of how we are not complete on either end alone, but need balance between the joy of pure vitality of triumphant existence rising from the contrast to fear of suffering and between appeasing beauty of total peace and apathy rising from the contrast to the hopelessness and sorrow over our eventual death or the loss of vitality like that which is experienced when witnessing a death of a loved one.

- Alarik Mantere - September 2. 2760auc

Last August 26,2008, we experienced a great sorrow in our family because our Tito Ronnie died. It was a tragic momment for us because we found him dead inside our house near our gate in a sleeping position. Many of us were very shocked to founding out he was dead. Last night before he died he was drank and because he was to drunk. By that time, i think he had his first heart attack because he wet and deficated on his pants. He tried to enter the house but the house was locked. He did not managed to knock at the gate but tried to went up the gate to get in so not to disturb us. By the time he was in the gate i think he had his second heart attack and that got him. In the morning were very shock because we thought he was just slipping but he was already dead. I can't imagine that this would come out this way. He was just young and just turned 46 on August 24,2008... We were saddened by the insident and could not speak to what had happened. On the time of his burial, I was put into tears and remembering what great things he had done for our family especially for me. When I was young I was just very excited to see him becuase of his "pasalubong". Now I realized that when I got all the things I got from him I did not even said a word "thank you gid to". I also have a plan to make "balos" when i have job future but it was already to late. Just want to say "to salamat gd sa tanan kag ndi kagid namon makalamitan, tani maging masadya ka kung biskan diin ka man subong kag maging malipay sa imo subong nga kabuhi nga wala katapusan... salamat gd and take care..."

Revelation 18:2 And he cried mightily with a strong voice, saying, Babylon the great is fallen, is fallen, and is become the habitation of devils, and the hold of every foul spirit, and a cage of every unclean and hateful bird.    

Revelation 18:3 For all nations have drunk of the wine of the wrath of her fornication, and the kings of the earth have committed fornication with her, and the merchants of the earth are waxed rich through the abundance of her delicacies.    

Revelation 18:4 And I heard another voice from heaven, saying, Come out of her, my people, that ye be not partakers of her sins, and that ye receive not of her plagues.    

Revelation 18:5 For her sins have reached unto heaven, and God hath remembered her iniquities.    

Revelation 18:6 Reward her even as she rewarded you, and double unto her double according to her works: in the cup which she hath filled fill to her double.    

Revelation 18:7 How much she hath glorified herself, and lived deliciously, so much torment and sorrow give her: for she saith in her heart, I sit a queen, and am no widow, and shall see no sorrow.    

Revelation 18:8 Therefore shall her plagues come in one day, death, and mourning, and famine; and she shall be utterly burned with fire: for strong is the Lord God who judgeth her.    

Revelation 18:9 And the kings of the earth, who have committed fornication and lived deliciously with her, shall bewail her, and lament for her, when they shall see the smoke of her burning,    

Revelation 18:10 Standing afar off for the fear of her torment, saying, Alas, alas that great city Babylon, that mighty city! for in one hour is thy judgment come.    

Revelation 18:11 And the merchants of the earth shall weep and mourn over her; for no man buyeth their merchandise any more:    

Revelation 18:12 The merchandise of gold, and silver, and precious stones, and of pearls, and fine linen, and purple, and silk, and scarlet, and all thyine wood, and all manner vessels of ivory, and all manner vessels of most precious wood, and of brass, and iron, and marble,    

Revelation 18:13 And cinnamon, and odours, and ointments, and frankincense, and wine, and oil, and fine flour, and wheat, and beasts, and sheep, and horses, and chariots, and slaves, and souls of men.    

Revelation 18:14 And the fruits that thy soul lusted after are departed from thee, and all things which were dainty and goodly are departed from thee, and thou shalt find them no more at all.    

Revelation 18:15 The merchants of these things, which were made rich by her, shall stand afar off for the fear of her torment, weeping and wailing,    

Revelation 18:16 And saying, Alas, alas, that great city, that was clothed in fine linen, and purple, and scarlet, and decked with gold, and precious stones, and pearls!    

Revelation 18:17 For in one hour so great riches is come to nought. And every shipmaster, and all the company in ships, and sailors, and as many as trade by sea, stood afar off,    

Revelation 18:18 And cried when they saw the smoke of her burning, saying, What city is like unto this great city!    

Revelation 18:19 And they cast dust on their heads, and cried, weeping and wailing, saying, Alas, alas, that great city, wherein were made rich all that had ships in the sea by reason of her costliness! for in one hour is she made desolate.    

Revelation 18:20 Rejoice over her, thou heaven, and ye holy apostles and prophets; for God hath avenged you on her.    

Revelation 18:21 And a mighty angel took up a stone like a great millstone, and cast it into the sea, saying, Thus with violence shall that great city Babylon be thrown down, and shall be found no more at all.    

Revelation 18:22 And the voice of harpers, and musicians, and of pipers, and trumpeters, shall be heard no more at all in thee; and no craftsman, of whatsoever craft he be, shall be found any more in thee; and the sound of a millstone shall be heard no more at all in thee;    

Revelation 18:23 And the light of a candle shall shine no more at all in thee; and the voice of the bridegroom and of the bride shall be heard no more at all in thee: for thy merchants were the great men of the earth; for by thy sorceries were all nations deceived.    

Revelation 18:24 And in her was found the blood of prophets, and of saints, and of all that were slain upon the earth.    

When love is in the air,
you will smile in the rain.
When love nowhere,
you will cry with the rain

i donno if i should be feeling this way or not, but my heart just sank when i hear that something. i just cant help, but sink. looking at you, make me feel like the titanic... sinking lower, and lower, and lower to the bottomless sea... haiz. but what can i do? im not good in words, i cant sweet talk to you. im not good in looks, i cant charm you. im not good in dance, drama, music, studies, language, sports, i cant impress you. im not rich, i cannot amaze you.

im not good enough, thats why i will never get my chance.

its just about letting go and get over it. whats so hard ab that man nick! why cant u just give up.. she will never like you nick.. she never will..

how i wish i was beside you, and not secretly admiring you from afar....

"Since my earliest childhood a barb of sorrow has lodged in my heart. As long as it stays I am ironic; if it is pulled out I shall die."

Love that.

  This is like THE most important post (at least to me) that I'll I've posted so far. OK I'm a huge converse fan, particularly Chuck Taylors. I'm also a huge blue fan, it's my favorite color right next to black. I own a pair of all black chucks and a pair of originals BUT I have yet to buy a pair of blue chucks. Around June or July 2008(don't know the exact date) Converse released a new Chuck Taylor. Unfortunately I don't know the name so you'll have to go off the description. They are blue and have a pocket on the outside of each shoe, and in each pocket there's a little blue flag (OMG!) I almost dies when I saw this shoe. Well of course I was broke at the time and could purchase but I kept saying (I'm gonna get them) So here it is August 29th and I had made plans to head of to journey's next week and get them. I went in the store today you know just to check them out, and they were no where to be found. I thought back to the black and white plaid (also not released too long ago) and thought "I guess there sold out like the others" So I thought "alright guess I'll just have to buy them offline, no bi deal just takes a little longer". Went up to one of the workers and ask "What happened to the blue chucks w/ the flag?" I got the worst news like EVER (in regards to shoes) the words slipped out like venom "OH they were recalled"....RECALLED!!!!! and do you know WHY they were recalled?!?!?! GANG VIOLENCE WTF (CHILDREN PLEASE STOP RUNNING AROUND WITH FLAGS AND GUNS AND RUINING MY DREAM OF OWNING THE BEST PAIR OF CHUCKIES I'VE BEEN BLESSED TO SEE IN MY LIFE!) Why is the world against me???

Anyway the real point of this is to say ANYONE WHO EITHER:

• Know's the name of the shoe

• Know's of somewhere I can find the shoe

• Has a picture of the shoe

• Is willing to give up a pair of the shoes (for a price of course)

• Or just ANYTHING related to the shoe PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE contact me

I'm going to OVERLOAD this post with keywords because I HAVE to OWN those shoes (not really but it's make my year :) ) So yeah come on ppl do your community service and get those shoes to me

pEaCe

Also, it is my husband's birthday...He would have been 56 years old. I know that when we were in our "30's", we thought that 50 was so "over the hill", but in light of being in that decade and seeing all of my peers who are "young" enough to anticipate their days with their grandchildren, his death seems so premature.

I had hoped to complete my husband's life story, but with work and finding that writing those posts take so much energy and emotion out of me, I didn't get it accomplished...that doesn't mean that I am going to quit, it just means that I can't write towards a "deadline" as a professional does.

As with my singing, my writing is an outward expression of my innermost being. If my heart isn't into it, I don't do either one satisfactory and my husband doesn't deserve to have his memory recalled without forethought and my best efforts.

To write the next part of his life, I need to talk to his brother. I know what my husband told me about that part of his life. The events that took placed left a terrible prejudice in his heart for many years to come. It is so important that I tell the story correctly and set the stage for one of the amazing miracles in his life.

As I watched the sunrise this morning, (imagine that, I wake up early enough to catch a sunrise and sunset), my thoughts were of him and the tremendous life force he was when he entered into this world.

I smiled to myself and thought of the phrase that he announced when he wondered into the neighbor's kitchen for some of her donuts, "Here me am!". That announcement seemed to echo when he was born into this world. Its waves of energy have been silenced in his death, yet there remains, in all of us who loved him so dearly, a part of that lifeforce.

In us, he echos and we are forever better for knowing him and loving him. He will always resonate within me. He is like the last note of a symphony or the last rays of sunset...your soul has been touched and you habor those moments within you senses. They are totally awe inspiring and you are the better for it.

I recall the moonlight that bathed this familiar place on his last birthday. I was so grateful as I listened to him sleep. How I would love to hear those quiet, familiar sounds again..

They are not totally gone. I wrote about it on this blog. I have that moment and I remember the sound...It is a poor substitute, but it is better than having nothing at all.

It is the first of the first. It is the first birthday without him. It is the day that he began this life. What a wonderful miracle of life he was! It still feels so utterly impossible that he is not here, but the wave of reality overwhelms me.

When I began writing this blog, I think that I knew in my head that it was his last birthday, but it is my heart that can't seem to grasp that he was not going to be here for this one. Now, my heart must latch onto this new reality and process the pain. There are moments that I think that this pain will kill me...but, again, my head knows that this is a state of grief and I must walk through it.

I wonder if they celebrate birthdays in Heaven? If they do, I hope someone tells him "Happy Birthday" for me and that I love him so very much.

There can hardly be a better known passage in the Old Testament than the one from which this morning's two verses are taken. It is the description of the so-called "Suffering Servant" whose flogging and subsequent crucifixion were so accurately foreseen by Isaiah. (The verbs "stricken", "smitten", "pierced" and "crushed" describe the process with great accuracy — read C. Truman Davis' description of "Crucifixion" under Marmalade). But commentators tend to shy against taking the contents of these two verses at face value — they play down what we might call "the benefits of the Passion" as Isaiah describes them here; perhaps because they are of the view that the verses promise more than Jesus actually delivered.

The benefits as described are six-fold. According to Isaiah, when Jesus went to the cross, he would (1) take our infirmities, (2) carry our sorrows, (3) be pierced for our transgressions, (4) be crushed for our iniquities, (5) bring us peace, and (6) heal us.

Commentators have no problem with sin-bearing aspects of Jesus' death — benefits (3) and (4) — nor with (5), the bringing of peace; it is the rest that causes them problems. But why?

It seems to me that none of the benefits of Jesus' death on the cross can be viewed solely in terms of "here and now" — they all have an eternal dimension. They all await their complete realisation in the life of the believer in the age to come. Everything now is "in part", everything then will be "in full". That is true even of the forgiveness of sins. I am fully forgiven, yes, but that forgiveness is not yet fully worked out in my life in terms of the glorified, sinless perfection that will one day flow from it.

And so it is with the bearing of infirmities, the taking of sorrows, the healing. It is all true in terms of eternity. As the age to come dawns with the return of Jesus, I will have no arthritis in my feet, and no angina. I will need no pills to control my blood pressure and thin my blood. Although I have known much physical healing in this age, then I will know complete and total physical healing in every respect. There will be no infirmity in my resurrection body. And it all flows from the cross; the incompletely realised forgiveness and healing and peace and removal of sorrow that I know now and the completely realised forgiveness and healing and peace and removal of sorrow that I will know then.

The cross is God's complete answer to absolutely everything that has gone wrong with the human race. There is nothing that cannot be put right there in such real terms that, however God chooses to work it out in my life now, it will be fully realised and worked out and brought to completion on the Day of Jesus Christ. If I want forgiveness I must come to the cross. But if I want healing I must come to the cross too. If I want my heart-ache dealing with I must come to the cross. It is not that God deals with sin at the cross but deals with sickness or sorrow or whatever else is wrong with me in some other way. Everything is put right at the cross.

Healing Christ, God's Word incarnate,
reconciling man to man;
God's atonement, dying for us
in His great redemptive plan.
'Jesus', Saviour, Healer, Victor,
drawing out for us death's sting;
Lord, we bow our hearts in worship,
and united praises bring.

John Richards

It matters that Luray and Ruby were murdered, not in a romantic tableau, but in a tired scenario that the world sees happen all the time. Daily, women and children are murdered by men in whom they placed their trust. Daily, the most vulnerable are consumed by the one they trusted to protect them. Daily, the coward then takes his own life, so that no one will ever know exactly what happened.

It matters that this happens so often that we all know perfectly well exactly what happened.

Women who go in with a lump and are told not to worry; that matters. Doctors who fail to even bother to google symptoms and thus miss something glaringly obvious; that matters--especially when their patients go to their graves believing this doctor to be a great, unsung hero who is battling overwhelming odds to solve a huge mystery. Women who don't tell even their closest friends that their partner is becoming increasingly unstable and dangerous; that matters.

So much matters, and yet there is so little to be done. Soon, it will be a year. And another full year of life without them will begin, to be stacked up on that first one, until the tower of years reaches further than I can see.

It matters that this is not the end of it. It continues as some man somewhere kills his wife/girlfriend and their child/children and himself. Another man will kill his estranged wife/girlfriend and himself. Another man will kill his wife/girlfriend/mistress. Another man will kill his child or the child of the woman he is involved with.

They just keep killing. Years go by. It matters that this happens. It matters that we can't seem to stop it from happening. It matters that Luray Hodder Kuca is dead, Ruby Temple Kuca is dead, and a year has passed by without them. It's kind of hard not to conclude that what apparently doesn't matter is women and children. We don't get the good healthcare, our claims of abuse are always doubted and/or minimized, we are never, ever safe, and no one can figure out how to get men to stop killing us. We can't even stop them from harassing us when we walk down the street. We can't get people to stop assuming that men accused of doing what men do must not have done it/meant to do it, she's obviously lying/asking for it. We can't stop teaching our boys that this is what men do, look, you are all animals, it's just a question of how much self control you have. We can't get doctors to believe us that we have a lump, we might be having a heart attack, we're not hysterical, we're actually seriously in need of medical intervention, and yes, we might not have insurance because come on, statistically, women and children are among the poorest.

How do we make a world in which we matter? How do we reach the point where women and children matter enough to be protected? How do we start teaching boys to be people, not animals? I don't know. I know it's nearly been a year since John Kuca Jr. killed his wife and their child because he wanted to, and it matters that the only thing really different about the case was that he was more theatrical than the average guy who kills his wife and child and then himself. It's been nearly two years since Luray was told that her lump was nothing serious. It's been a year and a half or more since she acquired a mysterious pleurisy that the good-old-boy doctor just couldn't figure out even though googling it would've revealed that after viral, the leading cause of pleurisy is metastatic breast cancer.

It matters that we don't matter. It matters that Luray and Ruby join a legion of victims that will continue to grow unchecked. It matters to me that I don't matter to the world. Maybe, someday, it will matter to enough of us that we'll figure out what to do about it. Until then, the anniversaries pile up.

snap by distance. devotion.

by proximity

So this was just..really an  afternoon of  bliss to me. I will totally try to forget the cell phone freak on the freeway that was a rapid lane changer and tried to hit my car today when not looking at traffic.

Later, sunny

Everyone has a problem heart . . . until Jesus makes it new.

I remind myself to be gentle, unhurried, to remember that I can only do what I can do and that that is good enough. I'm attempting to counteract a nagging sense that there is something I must always be doing, something productive, something meaningful, and always something for others. I find it curious the pressure I place upon myself to be all things, and to be all things perfectly, however, in the process I know I have become my own worst enemy.

Nerves frazzled, not knowing where to begin, unable to slow down and get some kind of foothold, some kind of anchor, this flighty free floating anxiety inhibits any form of peace. It's urgent, it's impatient, there's not much time, I have to, I should, I would, if I had the time.

Again I stop myself, stop that nagging chatter. Stop Vonne,..just stop,..

I check in with what my body is feeling, slowly and gently, deliberately, I feel my fingers move easily over the keyboard, my heart is beating within my chest, my body breathing itself, one breath at a time. I stop trembling and just breathe with my being, aware of my breath --  What have I been doing with my precious moments but filling them with 'anti love' fear.

Yes, I do love what I have, it's been given to me, but, it is more than my body. It's more than time. It's a quality that imbues the life I do have with a sense of awe, and an acceptance of imperfection, my own. If I were asked to point on my person where it is 'I am', what part of me would I point to. That which I am unable to locate, perhaps that is what I feel to be me. And this is the place where I feel whatever happens is O.K. with me.

I feel like I've taken the longest way home, distracted constantly with what I thought I should be doing, which really was in the opposite direction of where I needed to be. It's been a scary time learning the Art of Standing Still, and to begin to discover just who I really am without the pretentious bling of denial. I think I'm actually getting to know someone whom I suspect, has been there, hiding all the while. She is the one who holds it together quietly in the background, addressing the truth as she deals with what is, as apposed to what might be, she is determined and brave, vulnerable, fragile, and compassionate, but above all else she is grateful, and that feels like a big love. She is the gal who feels the fear and presses on regardless.