my first reaction was, he's probably sick or lonely coz he din haf a date dat day and suddenly remembered about me. or he's getting serious with a girl and he wanted closure with me first or something like dat. he's probably hoping that i would reply something positive so that he doesnt have to feel guilty for leaving me. and i didnt want that.

i am miserable. i'm single and alone. and desperate. i find myself attracted to so many people, and i can have a crush on someone just with a single word or glance or smile coz i'm so bf-crazy that i can read signs in anything and everything. basically, i am miserable and pathetic and still so sad that i gave him my heart, trusted him with my future and he crushed everything.

but truthfully, miserable as i am, i know i've been a bitch to him too. the break up wasnt a one-sided thing. it wasnt all his fault. and i think he deserves to get on with his life. and if he found someone then so be it. nobody deserves to be miserable. its horrible. i dono. i just think, its not fair to not 'let him go' and let him have his closure if he still feels guilty about leaving me.

so i told him i'm alright, that i'm sorry for everything, and that i forgive him.

God, i feel so sad. about him. about me. about my life now. i still love him. how can i not? i've been loving him for 7 years. its so painful to think of him with another girl. its just so sad... and de sadness is so deep inside. my heart hurts so much. i know it doesnt change anything, and there is nothing i can do. i just, dont want to be alone anymore.

Dr. Dobson shares a story about a mother who had 3 daughters and did her best to love them and set a Christian example in their life. She invested hours in each one of them hoping to show them how much value they had. She wisely gave them space when they needed it to grow as young ladies. The result, two daughters that could not have turned out better and one that caused astonishing grief and pain. At 18 she ran off with a 28 year old ex convict who had been married 3 times before.

She describes the pain and heartache she felt during this time as almost unbearable. "I didn't know that anyone could endure that much pain and still live". (Pg. 72) She describes the sting she felt when innocent folks would ask how the girls are doing.

Ps. 39:7
"And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You.

Last season, Warrick had been accused of a murder, was cleared, then the sheriff understudy dude came to his car and shot him! So this first episode was so INTENSE! Grissom heard the call that a officer had been shot, and he ran to the place where Warrick had parked his car, and pulled him out. 

It was so frustrating because Grissom asked him who did this to him, and Warrick was trying to tell him that it was the jerk standing right next to Grissom, but he couldn't because he was shot in the neck! But he kept looking over at the understudy, and we were screaming at the tv because usually Grissom picks up things like that. But then it was too late, because Warrick died.

The whole episode was so sad because they had to solve who killed one of their good friends, and then they finally did! The ending was the saddest though...Grissom stood up to do a eulogy, and when he was talking about Warrick we started crying, and then he started crying...which made us cry more....it was so emotional!

Needless to say, I love CSI. Even when they're really sad episodes like that.

Now is the time of our comfort and plenty
These are the days we've been working for
Nothing can touch us and nothing can harm us
nothing goes wrong anymore

Singing a song with your feet on the dashboard
The cigarette streaming into the night
These are the things that I want to remember
I want to remember you by

It won't come again
Cos love is the end
Oh no, my friend
Love is the end

I took off my clothes and I ran to the ocean
Looking for somewhere to start anew
And when I was drowning in that holy water
All I could think of was you

Woah, my friend
Love is the end
So lets not pretend
Cos love is the end

Take it back, don't let it die
Or rage against the fallen night
Cos I still do, depend on you
So don't say those words, they run me through

Woah, oh oh
Love is the end
So lets not pretend
Cos love is the end

And so I tread the only road
The only road I know
Nowhere to go, but home
Nowhere to go
Maybe our time is up
But still you can't look back
and all the principles of love
Don't say those words
Don't say those words

My apologies for not posting in a while. On the heels of a very exciting, very busy week, I find myself sitting in my church clothes on a Sunday afternoon...finally taking a breather. Ferris Bueller said, "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around every once and a while, you could miss it." True dat. Despite the fact that earlier this school year, at some point, I sneezed and found myself in the middle of October...I'm a week away from opening a musical....and I'm looking forward to the first official week of utilizing the new Chapel / Performing Arts Center as a fully functioning space....I think I should take time to talk about what makes me happy. (I'm about due. I looked at my previous blogs....Surgery, Death, Boo-Berry Cereal....sheesh. I'm one depressing dude!)

First and foremost, in the spirit of spreading joy.... Chick-O-Sticks....ever heard of 'em? I'm finding that alot of people haven't. This is probably the most under appreciated candy bar ever. (I'd rank it up there right next to Jelly Beans as MOST under appreciated candy of all time. Not Jelly Bellies....darn that stupid buttered popcorn!!!!.....Jelly BEANS.) But, Chick-O-Sticks....I love them. They have a delicious, crumbly crunch and wonderful peanut butter taste, toasted coconut....they're orange and have nothing to do with Chicken as the name would imply. Stinkin' awesome. I find that if I keep one of these timeless puppies in my glove compartment...on those days when you just don't know how to deal with life....a Chick-O-Stick makes life a little bit sweeter. (Figuratively and literally.) I don't expect you to rush out and grab one, (But if you do, get me one!) but I would ask that the next time you see one....try it.

You know what else makes me happy. Seriously...RAFFI'S "Banana Phone." It's a stupid little children's song that I happened upon when two of my students did a musical number routine to the song in full banana costumes for their Thespian Society inductions. I downloaded it and reserved a corner parking spot for it on my iPod. On shuffle, every now and then, I'll stumble upon the song, and it instantly puts a smile on my face.

I love my dogs. We have four total. Two are officially Emily's (because, quite simply, she's laid claim to them) and two are mine...because they're not Emily's. Actually, that's not totally true. Penelope the Pug is all mine. (A birthday present from 7-years ago.) I love her so much. She's so.....simple. Like her papa. Everything is always brand new to her. There is never a clever moment for this pooch...and as they say, ignorance is bliss. She's wild, snugly, noisy...and she's all mine! My other joy is Beatrice. My 12-year old, blind, toothless, diabetic Chihuahua. She carries on like a headstrong senior citizen and shuffles through her every day with her little tongue sticking out. She's my gummy bear. Dogs are funny. They're completely dependent on you, they are loyal to the max, and they bring you such joy...a joy that cannot be described. I've actually talked to my dog while snuggling with her on the couch. Have you ever done that? At first you think to yourself..."what am I doing?"....then you figure "who will ever know?...then you realize "she's actually listening to me." Dogs are special because they do listen. They don't know what you're saying, but they will respond. Try to find another living thing that will immediately respond to you without hesitation or agenda, every time you look them in the eye. I look at my dogs in new ways everyday because of that.

I love performing. Yesterday we had a weekend rehearsal for "Beauty and the Beast" which is opening in a week out at Summerlin Library and Performing Arts Center. Click here for more info. (Hope you can make it!) Let me tell you something...trials and tribulations aside, there is something special about theatre. I was sitting next to my friend Kari (she plays Belle) and we were watching a scene onstage, and we talked about how there is nothing like theatre. Where else do you take something REAL, scale it up or down, dress it up really pretty, dissect it, analyze it...and then try it on for size...and then offer it to a willing audience? Where else can you find such raw dedication? (And the funny thing is, the audience accepts it!) There is just something magical about it. When two set piece are put together and suddenly you have castle doors. When a lighting effects stretches the imagination, and suddenly you're in the woods. When a shift in dynamic accented with music, evokes emotions and suddenly the audience is a part of the "mob scene." Dang...I love it. It's hard stinkin' work putting up a show. Time, effort, money...patience. Sheesh. But, at the end of the day, it's something that was a part of you...and a part of the audience. You can never take that away. I'll never be a pirate...but for one night I was Captain Hook. I may never see the Broadway stage, but for one night I was a choreographer in a chorus line. I may never be a gallant suitor...but for one night, I climbed a castle and fought a Beast! As long as I live, theatre will be very, very close to my heart.

I love my students. I have six classes, and I approach each of them VERY differently. Even the two sections of High School Drama...talk about different personalities and atmospheres. I always find it interesting how the time of day plays a huge part in how students approach work in class. Last block before they go home, for instance is very different than second block right before lunch. Teaching has its own rewards...especially in the way that it keeps you on your toes every second of every day. My Advanced Drama class is a unique one this year. It's kinda hard to explain...allow me to try. Imagine a class of Juniors and Seniors (all of which you know very well...most of which you've worked with before onstage) and now put them right next to a group of students who may not have as much experience in performing, but NEED Drama class, because they are wildly creative people with passions that need to be expelled.  (Hey! There's chocolate in my peanut butter! No, wait! There's peanut butter in my chocolate!) Anyway...all of these kids I care about very much...but I'm finding myself struggling with them more than any other class. Not because they are bad, mind you. To the contrary...they all want to be a part of something good...and fun. But in heir varied (sometimes impulsive) efforts, the true ensemble effort gets lost in translation and the result is two camps.....ultimately generating two philosophies.

On one hand we have students who desperately want to WORK.....gnash teeth if necessary....to bring their craft to the next level. On the other hand, you have students who want to perform...and have fun doing it. Both groups want to be successful...but neither want the other group to "get in the way" (for lack of better words) of their efforts. A lot of the class/scene work is given a group, "ensemble" grade. Over the last few days, we've had to forgo the usual lessons to actually sit down and talk, as class. (Something I think is WAY underdone in classes today.) The results were very good. Everyone was forthcoming, everyone had an opinion...and now we're working toward a better tomorrow, together.

Will it be perfect? I don't anticipate that. But I do know this...where else can a teacher go to a "troubled" class and sit down with them...look them eye to eye, collaborate, and together....regroup. Even MENSA meetings wind up in arguments over why the Oreo cookies should be arranged in vertical rows and who owns the second series of NUMBERS. You see...I love my job. I know that, as a class, we'll get there...and we'll do it together. If we have to trample on the "routine" of teaching that class, and approach this self-disciple in a weird, awkward way to do it....so be it. I'm ready, and I have the privilege to work with students who WANT to get ready too.

I could go on: Grandmas, my wife's smile, the smell of freshly cut grass and freshly pumped gasoline (I know, I'm a freak)....and there more! Plenty of stuff I have to be thankful for, and find great joy in. But I would like to end by mentioning something that I presented in a Children's Chat at church today from Philippians 4:4-13. This scripture, which details the message Paul wrote from prison, reminds me that even in my darkest moment I can find peace in the Lord. I can turn to prayer and know He will hear. I have plenty to be thankful for and a multitude of things in my life that bring me great joy. But, I admit, I have sad moments...I hang my head low and think sad thoughts. During these times it's a great comfort to me that the Lord is listening and He will help me cope.

"Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice!"

The sermon this morning was about "working out" your salvation and how it's not "working for" your salvation but rather exercising in obedience to build your spiritual muscles and make your salvation more pronounced to the world. It was well presented, and something about it resonated with me, but it also reminded me of how incapable I seem to be of generating any kind of motivation/discipline for any kind of exercise program, so the idea of having to "exercise" salvation just looked like one more place to fail.

Today, I feel like a failure. What kind of bum needs to lie around all afternoon? What kind of a bum can't get a simple project done after months and months? Oh, I'm so resistant to talking to M.D. about it because I feel like I'm letting him down, feel like it's one more example of my short-circuited brain. Why am I so blocked up about this? I'm failing . . . again. And I'm so afraid of what he'll think of me, or if he'll take it personally or if this will be one more reason not to love me . . . or . . . well, really, I don't know what the hell I'm really afraid of. I'm so tired. So very tired.

I fell asleep on the couch watching a special on cancer that made me think about how I will probably end up very ill when I'm old because I'm in such poor shape and that terrifies me, and it made me think of how my parents could be one step away from this, too, and I'm so worried for Mom, so very worried. I love her, and I'm so frustrated with her at the same time, because she's so good at talking about change and denying and being insecure and so powerless to break free, and I see her in myself all too much sometimes. I'm sad, weeping. I don't know what's wrong with me.

I woke from the couch because it was really uncomfortable and tried to fall back to sleep in my bed, but I couldn't--I just sprawled there, trying to find a comfortable position but my body hurting and my mind racing, and I realized that I looked crumpled.

1) My body.  I get tired so easily.  Did the surgery really take that much out of me?  Is my body really using that much energy to heal itself?

2) Relationships.  They are so unbelieveably complex.  It's very overwhelming.  I feel as though I am navigating a mine field when I interact with people.  *sigh*  I am tired of living life alone.  Everything is so fragmented and autonomous. 

I am blogging about this because I am sitting at home on my couch and wanting to be anywhere but sitting at home on my couch.  Anywhere that is with people who help me become a part of their life.  See, that doesn't come easily for me.  I need help.  It's not that I don't want to take people up on their offers to enter their lives, but I don't do well with generic "come over any time" invitations.  I'm a "J" people.  I like definition, structure, specifics.  I like to help people with things.  Like painting a room for instance.

I am tempted to give up.  Should I take a nap or go back to church for round two?  Round two of trying to be available for people and trying to become a part of something bigger than myself.  Round two of leaving the way I came: alone.  Round two of overwhelming sadness.

I know why it does but I don't know how to explain it. It has hurt so much that this past week that I can't help just crying when I am on my own. I seems to hard to put into words the reasons I feel the way I do at the moment although it's safe to say that it's becasue of my feelings towards someone.

Anyways, if you don't ask, you don't get. But that doesn't apply to the question why I wrote such weird blog post a day ago. I simply had a feeling and released it. In few hours, I was more or less okay. In general, I am not PMSing, I am not having a teenage angst, I just can't find the balance therefore it bothers me and I don't feel that my soul is here with me. It probably got stuck in the song of yesterdays and I won't put too much pressure to find an appropriate place for it. 

Also, I intended to write a blog post finally about something else than love. I got inspired by my favorite magazine Adbusters but since love itself bothers me every single second to the extent that I can't concentrate on anything else, I will write about love again. 

And once again, I will mention my long lost best friend Kristina, who said yesterday that "In a love relationship of two, there is always one that loves more than the other". I didn't argue with her. But what a stupid cliche. Who is to have a right to measure love? 

Love, happiness, sadness and pain are feelings that can't be measured. This sentence doesn't need any explanation. I started to write a few examples but it speaks for itself. I am just tired of this cliched world. I need to leave where I am right now, haunted by thoughts that make me a frenzy and surrounded by people whom I don't understand and don't want to listen. 

"It's partly true, too, but it isn't all true. People always think something's all true.  - Holden C., The Catcher in the Rye"

Anyways, I found the truth in some old poetries of mine, which I don't really feel like sharing or even naming "poetry". "Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash." ~ Leonard Cohen 

I cannot stay in denial
but I keep persuading myself of
inconvenient truth.
So let's pour a glass of
pure french vermouth 
and enjoy the roller-coaster on trial.

So once you're up and once you're down
Once you swim and once you drown
Once he's father and once he's clown

...Beautiful tree to dead wood...

Once you're happy then you cry
Once you hug him then say bye
Once you agree then you deny
Once you're brave then you're shy

...Dead wood to fire...

This night he's your lover, another just a friend
This night you feel him, another just pretend
This night is the start, another will be the end
This night you have money, another you'll spend
This night you see, another can't comprehend

...Flames to cinders...

Marriages and divorces
White and black horses

Red wine and juice
Flattery and excuse

Scent and stench
Dry and drench

And you're getting fed up with the ride
but darling, this roller-coaster glide
will never stop

So once he makes a song for you
She has no idea but you've got a clue

...cinder to ash...

Yeah, it's like the roller-coaster ride
we're all learning to enjoy

And it's exactly two years ago since this... 

Summer is over, what have you learned?

Bright colors are gone, wind's returned

Your secret smile remains,

happiness and love still flow in your veins. 

Baby girl died few months ago, her voice got lost.

Mature woman was waken up, it cost this man a lot. 

Her young soul hasn't been bruised by the harsh world yet

he's put his protective wings upon her silhouette.

She keeps this secret in return for his love.

It leaves no questions, it's 100% and pure

it's what love is supposed to be, it's their cure.

Cure in this cancered world...

How the FUCK am I going to pay for it? Apart from my parents helping me enormously, which I think they are going to have to.

I had lunch with a coworker last night, it was fantastic. She's not from Alabama which explains why I get along with her. Now that I think about it, the girls I get along with most aren't from Alabama but anyways, she is as confused as I am about the issue of politics in the south.

It's almost like an epidemic, really. Ever since I was seventeen I thought that I was a bad person for being a democrat in the south. I'm tired of it.  I don't think people realize how big of an issue this is. In the south, women are literally taught from the time they are born that they are to get married and bear children. This mostly results in girls that get married the second they get out of high school and start pushing out babies. This thought horrifies me, of course if I had a child now I would hardly be considered a very young mother  but still the thought of being a mother at (nearly) 22-years-old scares me.

Mind you that I, myself, was not raised to believe that I should be a good wife and a mother. My mom taught me the opposite actually, she always said to never put myself in the situation where I would be dependent on a man. I took her advice and the older I get the happier I am about that decision. I am now  in a relationship with a man that knows 100% that I do not NEED him for financial and emotional survival and that I am merely with him out of genuine love. It relieves me because our relationship is in a position to where if we got married it would not be based on financial benefits it would honestly be based on true love for each other and the desire to spend the rest of our lives together.

But back to oppression, women are also shoved in churches lead by pastors that preach that being a republican is the only way to salvation. It's completely bizarre to me. These aren't all churches, just a certain denomination that I would rather not name so if you are a preacher, please don't get offended I don't mean that all preachers preach this I know several that don't. Some of these preachers also preach in a judgmental way towards people, most popularly homosexuals and pro-choice people. I was never raised to think this way. It is beyond me that people think that republican Christians are the only ones going to heaven. I've never met a northern republican so I don't know the difference in varying regions, all I know is the republicans in the south, and they can be scary.

I recently got into a heated discussion with someone I went to high school with. She pretty much said that Barack Obama could not be a Christian because he was progay marriage and pro abortion. This upset me, the most common misconception about democrats is that we run around promoting gay marriage and telling girls to have abortions. What we mean by prochoice is we don't think it's OUR right to tell someone what to do with her body and we don't think it's OUR right to judge someone based on a decision she made. As for progay marriage, we want everyone to have equal rights. How is that bad? Not necessarily Chrisitian wedding ceremonies that are seen as completely equal to a heterosexual marriage, but a union between a homosexual couple. The only reason I am against a Christian wedding ceremony for a homosexual couple is because the bible defines marriage as between a man and a woman. I see nothing wrong with a civil marriage in homosexual couples. No one, no one deserves unequal treatment.

The older I get, the more I realize that I am the ultimate nightmare for a republican male Alabamian. Apparently I am a bit of a radical. I don't see it, all I see is that I will NEVER deny who I am. I will never say I am something I am not and if I see someone being mistreated I won't keep my mouth shut. I stand up for myself and for others as well. For this, I am often called a feminist. I think this is funny because what oppressive men really mean by "feminist" is "she has an opinion."
I don't understand women that sacrifice their happiness for a man. Happiness is one of the most precious things a person can possess. I have always seen it more valuable than love. One can be in a relationship and "love"  someone but be completely miserable. Nothing is more cumbersome than depression.

So why all this oppression in the south? I have no idea. Women are shoved in churches that preach to them that the only way they will live God's will is by voting republican and submitting completely to their husband. I understand the union of a marriage but no where does it say that the wife must be so submissive that she is stomped all over by her husband. This message of "the submissive wife" has been completely warped. It is to the point where it appears that some men are almost afraid of women, especially the women that speak their minds. The submissive wife the bible speaks of, in my eyes, is a woman that loves her husband and sees him as the head of the house and takes care of him.  Yes she answers to him, but she does not allow herself to be his personal doormat or emotional punching bag. In return he is to care for her and see her as his companion.

My favorite writer in the bible is Paul. He always writes in a way that treats men and women equal. What is often overlooked about the bible is the fact that in the time it was written, women were seen as material posessions. Just because one writer may have written in a way that makes women appear inferior to men DOES NOT mean that God views women this way. It simply means the writer did and these views are reflected in the society he lived in.

The longer I stay here, the more I see I don't fit. I become disgusted whenever a girl tells me she just wants to get married and have babies. I understand that procreation is important but I don't think it is the reason why women exist. I'm sorry I don't believe the ONLY reason God put me here was to get married and have children. I don't even like kids. At the bear minimum he put me here to rescue a handful of rats from being snake food.

My heart really goes out to any girl or woman reading this that thinks her only purpose in life is to be some guy's doormat. It's not. No one should ever feel financially dependent on someone else. Just remember you don't NEED about 3/4 of the things society makes us think we do but what you do NEED is happiness. It's ok to be selfish sometimes and it's a lot better than waking up when you're in your fifties and realizing that you've spent the past thirty years with someone that makes you miserable, doesn't understand and would never want you to branch out past his arm's length. So stand up for yourself, my mother always taught me than a man will only treat you the way you LET him. Afraid of being alone? Forget about it, take it from someone who was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 2 years, being alone in GREAT compared to being unhappy. The feeling of moping around in depression trying to make the best of a horrid situation is no way to live. Thinking you are STUCK in an unhappy situation is no way to live either. There is always a way out and it is never as bad as you think it is. It took every ounce of strength in me to get out of that oppressive relationship but I dug inside of me and found gumption, something that I consider to be the result of self-respect and pride. Sometimes you have to play the role of your own best friend. Lord knows I've done that for years. If you saw one of your friends being completely miserable you would be there for her right? You would do everything you could to keep her happy and you would want her to eliminate herself from the source of her unhappiness. You can do that for yourself. I was so afraid of the pain I would feel by ending that relationship until one day when I realized I was so miserable that if I ended it with that guy worst case scenario--I would be miserable. Well I already was and the latter form of misery is temporary. If I kept myself away from him the pain would go away, well if I stayed with him he would continue to plague my happiness.

There is nothing, NOTHING, worst than someone surrendering his or her happiness, freedom, life to allowing someone to make him or her unhappy and I would bet that 1 in 3 people do that.

when i don't feel well, writing hurts me, because it makes me realize that instead of writing down my sadness, i can be talking about it with someone, and there is nothing worse than coming face to face with your loneliness. i've been very lonely. at first, this loneliness that i felt was deteriorating the inside of me. my health, my heart, my spirit. but no one was ever able to tell. and finally, yesterday, it began the process of deteriorating my exterior. i guess it's finished with the inside.

i used to have at least some control of how much of my sadness was perceived by others. i used to be able to smile even when i wanted to run home and cry. yesterday was the end of those days. i felt the oncoming of it on thursday, but yesterday was the worst. i actually cried at school, which i've hardly ever done...and, even a few people and one teacher saw it. but, of course, i denied my negative feelings, and i played them for crazy. i even laughed in amusement when they asked what was wrong with me...i pretended to be the person i'm constantly pushing my mind to mold. but, it just hasn't been working. i don't know which frustrates me most...the fact that i can't be who i want to be, or the fact that i am who i am.

however, i'm proud of the great actress i've been for so long. now, people feel as if this is one of the rare and random moments that i experience. they think i'm being moody, that i'm trying to get attention...but that isn't it at all. if they only knew that this has been me for so long. i haven't expressed sadness even in this blog. i have sometimes, when it takes the best of me...but, not always. i push that part of me away, as if it's a fake version of brenda, and i make up the best excuses and the best life you can ever imagine.

the "me" that everyone knows: happy, laughing, sweet, nice family...a lot of friends...goals, hardly any worries, positive and determined, intelligent and beautiful...the girl that is always laughing, that is always smiling...the one that has that magic contagious smile. the cute little sister, the friendly classmate, the romantic girlfriend...look at all the things i've given myself...!

but, can you blame me for this act? who can i trust with my feelings?

the me that i've only given a glimpse of (even to family & greg): spiritual, struggling with worries, unhappy, lonely, missing something, needy & clingy (i think they go hand-in-hand). intelligent, pretty...angry, bitter...young...soft-hearted...the one who cares for others, even if they don't care for her. the one that feels guilt sweeping her off the face of the earth, the unappreciative daughter (not to mention, disrespectful). the disloyal friend. the liar. the girlfriend who demands too much. the sister who is very secretive and mysterious. quiet, mellow, shy. the one who wants to have faith but doesn't know where to start.

i'm afraid of seeking my family...the word will spread. i've tried telling greg. in fact, i told him yesterday. i told him that i feel lonely and that i cry myself to sleep because i feel desperate and unwanted. i told him that i talk to my teddy bear, vanicoco...i told him that i hate going through life alone, without anyone to help me, or at least, hold me...and he said "what did you expect??" after that attempt, i gave up. it took my whole body, my entire energy to express the words to him, and his response left me numb and shocked. i don't have any other friends than him. i really don't. they don't believe this is a chronic feeling. they laugh and say, "you have friends!!!". are they really in a position to point out who is close to me or not?

i just saw a question posted up on Yahoo answers and it said "how do you know you are TRULY happy?" and, my throat tightened, but, i held tears back. there's no need to cry. greg told me in a few words that the whole world expects to feel the way i do, but that they deal with it, so, why am i complaining???

i finally know that someone is following my writing (thank goodness!)...and...i guess that makes me feel protected. you don't have to imagine what i look like right now. i'm laying here, in my room, with a blanket and with a few hours left to my night. thank you, if you read this. please be understanding of how i feel. it's hard for me to trust because i feel as if everyone is in alliance with each other to make a laughing stock out of my sadness. it's a chain. one tells the other and the other claims ignorance...they pretend they've never felt this way. and it is the thought that they might never have that makes me want to die.

People of all ages were there.  Young and old.  All nationalities.  The church was a great big modern Catholic church.  The architecture was simple, open and airy.  Not much adornment.   The priest was from India, which I thought was quite unusual.  His heavily accented English was difficult to understand at some points.  He also was a young man and you could see that this death affected him as they weren't so far apart in age.  

The first thing that struck me about the service was the slideshow.  The slides of Luis growing up against the background of Regge music.  It gave you a glimpse into his true spirit.  You could tell each song had been a favorite of his.   Looking at his pictures, you could see the beautiful child full of life that he had been.  Full of love and laughter.  Full of joy and devoted to family.  You couldn't quite get your head around the fact that equaled the coffin that sat before you.

His Father broke my heart.  He and his band got up to play for his son and he sang.  They performed 3 songs.  Whilst his father doesn't have the best voice that I have ever heard, the love that was put into the music had everyone there sobbing.  Every word coming from this man's broken soul.  It was beautiful, haunting, and overwhelming all at the same time.

The first song.. was "To Love Somebody"  I liked Clay Aiken's version of this song because of its passion.  

The second song .. was "Let it be"  Im also going to do another American Idol.. Brooke White because of its softness.

The third song they sang, I was sobbing so hard, I could barely stand to hear it.  I think they had a hard time singing it too.

There was a beautiful poem written by a family friend, and a eulogy given by his best friend as well as his young cousin who is about 14 years old.  Both made your heart ache for their suffering and loss.

More than the pain on the faces of his mother and father, was the grief etched into the beautiful face of his sister.  She looked so lost.  It was horrible.  They were very close.  

The father reminded us all bravely not to think about the way Luis died, but how he lived each day he was here on this earth.  To the fullest!  We should all remember to do that.

My heart goes out to that family right now.  This boy will be missed.  But like the song says.. "But I know there will be no more tears in heaven".

sah trostloses Weiß

einsam verlassen

seit Tagen fallend und fallend

das Kleinstadtwochenende

hat die einzelnen weißen Fußstapfen zerstört

Echo

Ich sah die Schönheit

jeder beweinte die unberührte Einsamkeit

Ich fühlte die kühle Nachtluft

wie sie mein unrasiertes Gesicht streifte

Ich bin Zeuge

eines ewigen Moments

jeder geht in sich

von Morgen sprechen

irgendetwas passiert ein anderes Morgen

Ich denke nach über die Endlichkeit der Dinge

wie Winter

wie Schneewehen

Are you too insecure and shy?

Are you depressed because you don’t have friends or any boyfriend or girlfriend?

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The scientific reality explains the religious mystery of all the centuries, and the accurate translation of the meaning of our dreams reveals to us the existence of a wise and saintly unconscious mind in our own psyche, which tries to help us fight against the wild part of our conscience, sending us important dream messages.

The e-book “Dead People in Dreams” was created after my summer offer of free dream translation and psychotherapy, using the example of dreams from contributors, besides many of my own dreams, since they revealed to me the reason why many of my friends and relatives had to die while they were still young.

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Relating the knowledge given in dreams with various scientific discoveries in many different fields, which happened at the end of the last century, I could verify that the materialistic conception of this époque had many unexplained aspects.

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The astonishing scientific discoveries of the last century in the fields of biology and astronomy proved to the world that the human being is simply a descendent of primates and that the existence of many stages of transformation justifies the human evolution.

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The well-explained phenomena at a certain point needed more explanations that could not be given, and many false conclusions stepped on the contradictory truth that could not agree with them.

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Therefore, we need indispensably to admit the existence of a superior brain that organized the functionalism of nature and prepared the programs of development of each organism, determining a priori their level of evolution and their limitations.

Only because the human being is an idiot, since the biggest part of his brain is still in a primitive stage, can he not accept the idea of being inferior to God, and only because he is so evil that he could be named Satan, he hates the idea of being religious, calm, pacific, and obey to the wise directions of the most developed existent human conscience, which reached sanctity and perfection, and is the only one that can save him from craziness and despair with its wisdom.   

Learn more at: http://www.scientificdreaminterpretation.com and

http://www.booksirecommend.com

Click below to download your copy of the Free e-book

Beating Depression and Craziness

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Christina_Sponias

The new e-book Dead People in Dreams is ready!

Find it at http://www.booksirecommend.com