No circuits remain uncompleted where truth lies

Scott, November 1996

Channeled Writing

As I waited the next evening with some apprehension for the telephone to ring, hope, doubt and fear all circled and danced through my mind. I sensed that I was on the threshold of an important experience, but had no idea what shape it would take. When Daviea finally called we chatted a little, as I was too terrified to get to the heart of the matter. The stakes were simply too high, and "what ifs" were running through my mind. At last, Daviea said "I asked her how Scott was doing." In the momentary pause that followed, my heart seemed to stop beating in my chest. "What did she say?," I asked after what seemed an infinity.

"She said that he's smiling!," she reported, " and that he's doing very very well where he is. She said that a couple times, 'he's doing very very well.''' Even as she spoke I began to feel unaccountably light, as if a breakthrough were being made. "She said he's much better off now than he was in the body." She briefly paused, then continued. "And she said that Scott told her that he was surprised that he went so quickly." Though those last words could not have meant much to Daviea or to Dee, they immediately struck me to my core and reverberated there as true. On the deepest level of my intuition I felt that I was being handed a real communication from Scott, experiencing a genuine sharing. It suddenly dawned on me that he had chosen to communicate that specific message not only to penetrate my veil of rational skepticism, and to touch my heart that way, but also for the purpose of greater healing.

During his last days, Scott and I had become of one mind. Even as his physical challenges mounted and his body tired, and we fought battle after battle side by side, we grew in our love for one another and our souls melded. Given one last opportunity for union in this lifetime, each second became precious and an experience to be savored. The night before he died, we sat on the sofa together as usual, just talking and watching Thursday night T.V. By that time the infusion lines disappearing into the port in his chest had become part of the scenery, no longer any big deal. To us it was an ordinary evening, yet we both recognized it as sacred time.

We were easy together, having spent enough time together of sufficient quality to make words unnecessary for communication. I knew that Scott had made plans for the next day as the ones before, to simply survive. I knew that his death had taken him by surprise, and on some level that was part of my shock at his parting. Thus, in hearing Scott's message third-hand, I intuitively felt that this was true, that Scott had effectively answered my prayers and made contact. My heart flooded with joy, flush with the dawning realization that Scott's beautiful consciousness, his soul, had not died along with his battered body. The implications were staggering.

On a deeper level, Scott's brief communication offered a message of healing in another important way. During the years we made our way through life together, we had faced everything as a team. All of life's joys were made sweeter in the sharing, and the inevitable slings and arrows softened by the shield of our love. But yet there I had been on the morning of Scott's passing, left unable to share this most momentous of experiences with him. I had seen him all the way through, bearing witness to the crowning "experience of a lifetime," but now felt keenly the depths of my isolation. More than ever before I longed to be with him in this experience, to talk it through with him, to somehow help soften its impact in the sharing. But death had slammed the door shut on me, and hard, leaving me unable to do so.

Not until I heard Daviea speak those words did I realize how deeply frustrated and out-of-balance I had been left by my experience of Scott's death. Even if I couldn't have him back, I'd burned with longing to find at least a measure of closure with the event of his passing. In hearing Dee's simple words through Daviea, I began to feel that an important circuit had been completed. More than ever before, I felt ready to start letting go of the bottomless pain I carried within like a heavy stone.

Feeling lighter than air, full with the dawning realization that my journey with Scott was not over, I literally laughed and jumped for joy after telling Daviea that I loved her and hanging up the phone. In spirit, Scott smiled.

A Window Opens

A few days later, I ran into a friend during a lunchtime workout at the gym. I had found that trying to return to my prior exercise routine, jogging one day and working out the next, helped to lift my sadness more effectively than any prescription medicine. My friend, who had not seen me since the memorial gathering, asked with sincerity and warmth how I was doing. It had been a tough journey, I told him, about as dark as I could stand, but I felt that maybe I might be just beginning to heal. I was proud of the small steps I had been able to take. I was proud, and somewhat surprised, to find myself surviving, to find myself still here. And even, at times, starting to tentatively embrace life if I wasn't paying attention.

And I shared with my friend my fledgling awareness of a spiritual connection to Scott, my dawning feeling that maybe part of his consciousness had remained with me though his body had not. "I'm not exactly sure what's going on," I told him, "but something is definitely happening here. I've been writing him every day in my journal, and it's like my sacred time. I still feel like I need to communicate with him; death hasn't changed that." Looking into my friend's eyes, deciding I could trust him, I said "But that's only part of the story. The weird thing is not that I'm writing him, but that I get the strong sense he's listening. And sometimes, I swear, I've felt like he's really been there with me."

My friend listened spellbound, not sure exactly what to think or how to respond. "In fact," I continued, I'm not sure why, "I feel like he's here right now." Feeling a chill pass through me, in pure desire, I said "Come to me, baby!" Standing with my back to the wall of large metal windows behind me, I saw my friend's mouth suddenly drop open. Turning around, I saw one of the large, vertical windows lining the wall of the upstairs gym standing open. "That window," he said slowly, "just unlatched itself and flew open."

At the time I just smiled, not making much of the incident. No big deal, I figured, it must have been the wind. The timing was just a coincidence. But when I walked over to the wall a few minutes later, all of the other windows were latched shut. They were all several feet tall, framed in metal and quite heavy. And the day was still.

As I went through security, one baggage inspection conveyor and one metal detector, I couldn't help but notice there were eight TSA agents working the checkpoint. I'm all for safety while traveling and don't mind the security checks, but the number of government employees on duty at this tiny airport seemed skewed. Not to mention however many were working behind the scenes inspecting all the luggage that was being checked, but I assume there were at least two more. The Detroit airport has a couple of security entrances, but each of these multi-stall stations are run by the same number of people that worked the one in TC.

I'm not complaining about the security. I appreciate the people who work to ensure that flights are safe. However, I think a few less people could have done the job.

I know...I know...I'm a sucker for Disney and fairy tales...
But these disney charecters are all about stregth, determination and going all the way for true love...
but in the real world...
Cinderella would never have gone to the ball, and would probably have become the nanny of her ugly stepsisters

children. She'd be living alone with 3 cats and would probably die a virgin,
Ariel would probably have married someone her father picked, and become a baby-machine, popping out the mer-babies.

But she would always go back to her statue of Eric once in a while and wonder what could have been...

See in reality, we settle and compromise... in fairy tales they never do.
I mean we settle for even small things...

If we are unable to buy that Gucci bag, we settle for the knockoff
If the black top is unavailable in our size, we reluctantly buy the white, because the fit is great even if white

does no justice for our skin tone
If we don't get the job we want with the pay we want, we settle for either the pay, or the job description, sometimes

we get neither and just settle for what we get.

In life no matter how hard we work, sometimes we just settle for what's available rather than what we really want.
I have done that for many material things in life, but thankfully did not have to do regarding love.
Recently with the wedding season in full bloom, I wonder how many of these marriages are with people who are settling

because they just want to finally be married, or because its just simply easier.

I'll be honest, I understand the concept of settling and compromising a lot more now than I did 10 years ago.
Ten years ago, when a couple whom I loved so much broke up because of religion, I thought it was ridiculous. He was Muslim, she was Hindu, and although they loved each other immensely, they figured it was for the best if they didn't get married. The girl found someone here, and the boy went back to India and got married to someone his parents chose

for him. When i think of them, I always think if they still wonder what would have happened if they decided to tough it out and stay together. I'm sure they do, but I guess the real question is, do they regret their decision?

I see girls marrying guys who are nothing like the type of guys they dated. They dated the popular, untouchable, larger than life men that every other girl fantasized about, yet when the relationship didn't work out, they married the boy the parents brought home, without ever trying for themselves again. 

In relationships, do we just say screw it when it doesn't work out, and try for the easy solution the next time around? The road to true love is just too rocky, why bother? Isn't it better to take the smooth and easy road with a person who suits your needs well enough. Because at the end, the result is the same right? A house, a car, and kids who will drive you nuts...

I agree though, the pressures to marry is pretty bad... especially for girls, your biological clock is ticking, you notice that eating that extra slice of cheesecake now ends up in your thighs, the dating field is a lot tougher since all the good men are taken, or gay, or both. The leftover single men are either single to marry someone mummy picks, or are single not-by-choice. It's just not that easy... so you head over to your mom and say, fine, bring on the first chump...

But the question again is, do you end up 50, with a husband who you still can't communicate with, and a life you didn't picture for yourself... as in, do you regret that decision you made to take the easy way out?

As for me...
Regret is the one reason I was never able to settle for a relationship, or marriage. I have always been a sucker for the difficult road... why? because I still believe in fairy tales... no matter how hard life is to you, or how many

challenges you face, if you fight with a pure heart, I believe you will get your happily ever after...

I also knew it was a silly girl's dream, I was in high school, and knew life never works out that way, but I hoped it would. Because I believed in fairy tales.

Now Eight years later, I am married to that beautiful boy, and I can no longer describe him as a beautiful boy. Because he is so much more.

Eight years ago, I didn't know that my husband was one of the nicest guys I will ever meet.

Eight years ago, I didn't know that my husband was going to become my best friend.

Eight years ago, I didn't know that he would be able to finish my sentences.

Eight years ago, I didn't know that he would be he one to hold my hand every night because I'm scared of the dark.

Eight years ago, i didn't know that he would be the guy to love me just the same when I gained 35 pounds.

But Eight years ago, I knew he was the one.

For everyone who has given up on love, and relationships.  Don't. Because life will throw you all sorts of things that will hurt you, and at the end of the day, everything is worth it if you come home to that one person who loves you for who you are, and helps you grow and become the person you are meant to be. I've been through a lot of things that typical people don't go through, but I thank god every day for having me meet my husband that day Eight years ago.

Yes it's a sappy post, but it's my 8 year anniversary (of dating) my husband. My 2 year wedding anniversary is next week :) I am allowed one sappy post a year!

And then I realize that I used to be these people not too long ago.

Yeah, okay, I was a drama queen. Maybe, sometimes, I still am. But it’s interesting what happens when you take the time to listen, to really listen to what’s going on around you, to the people around you. I think one of the things that did it for me was that I realized that I don’t have it so bad. Because, remember, I work in a hospital. A lot of the people around me are a lot worse off than I am. I suppose that doesn’t mean I don’t get depressed sometimes and wish I hadn’t done something differently in the past or, I don’t know, wish I had a million dollars or that I was Rachael Ray (she is so pretty, she is so stinkin’ cool, and she can cook.) But, at least now, I recognize that, for the most part, I’m pretty lucky. Blessed.

I’m not trying to spout off some kind of platitude, you know like, “Oh, things could always be worse,” or “Count your blessings.” Ick. But oh, my goodness, have you ever been around really negative people? Of course you have. I sure have. I’m around them a lot. I was one of them and I don’t think I realized it. Sometimes I’m sure I can still be a little negative, for example, I tend to spout off about lazy people when, eh, I could probably just shut it and clean up after them. After all, I‘m kind of lazy myself. Whatever, I suppose no one is perfect. Except Rachael Ray. Oh! And Michael Buble…he’s got such a nice voice and he is so cute! Love that.

And I wonder at the (relative) peace I have in my life lately. I say relative because, look, I don’t live on easy street. I work hard to get by; I work full time and will be going to school almost full time. Because of my schedule, I miss out on a lot…and etc, etc. But I feel peaceful for the first time in years and I believe--I hope--it is because I am doing what I am supposed to be doing.

Morality is considered as an accepted moral standard, the act of judging how right or wrong something is. How would I know that something is moral? If I were to base on the Divine Command Theory, an act is obligatory if and only if it is commanded by God. Therefore, we can say that an action is right because God commands it.  If the act is wrong, do we consider it moral because God allows it? But basing on the real world, almost everyone believes that only a right act is moral, and it is also because we are affected by ethics. If that is so, I’d be able to say that morality is arbitrary.

Now talking on my own perception, it says that an action is right when you don’t limit a person according to his capacities, but instead you just set him free, because a person is rational. Whatever he thinks is right will be right for him, and mainly because of the fact that we are all different, and each of us have different interpretations to a specific thing. I am not declaring that God treats Christians as things because whatever He commands they must follow, but what I am referring to is that since we are taught the difference between right and wrong then we base our thinking to whatever we believe, or it’s up to our conscience to weigh. And besides, not everyone in the world are Christians and not everyone relies on one God.

Thus, I don’t agree to the first given statement nor to the second one. Because if God doesn’t allow assassination or any kind of killings, does it follow that penalizing evil-doers is right; shooting a murderer like what’s done by the police nowadays? And to think of the fact that only God can take the life of a person? Or if euthanasia is permitted [by the laws] when a living thing cannot struggle from a complex illness, does it follow that this isn’t moral because a mere human takes the life of a creature? Considering that hospitals and veterinary clinics do it? I therefore conclude that morality’s foundation doesn’t purely depend on God’s will but on the individual himself, dependent to his own choice, authority and conviction on what is right.

[痛い～! my head... it hurts.]

*this was commented on Morality and Authority.

To start off, THE BIG NEWS is that I am an UNCLE NOW! Uncle to my nephew who was born yesterday back home..so I have a new relation. Apart from the breaking news, this term has been fulfilling in terms of relationships. There have been crests and troughs ( I used it for u,TONY) but I have been involved a lot more.

Last week, I met my grandparents and my uncle who I admire the most. I enjoyed that time very much. Even though he lives in US but everytime he leaves, my eyes are moist..and that doesnt happen with anyone else. A large part of what I am today is because of my grandparents... they are the most selfless people I have ever seen and their principles are so simple... in short Simple Living,High thinking.

Talking about other relationships, we got the ownership of the house. This is a huge step for my family and big financial burden which I WILL KILL off ASAP! So the debt..it is a goal for me! I like the house, I like the locality- Milton ( and not only because Soumya lives there). Its my kind of environment..peaceful,green, lots of free space... I can feel it! This house is part of my home and house becomes home because of the people living in it. I want to pay off everything ASAP because even if everything comes down one day, my family has a place to live..a secure place! Anything else can be taken!

Last weekend was also a time to meet Lucy for the second time. Shes so bright that I dont care about how much hydrogen there is inside sun..as long as we have lucy sun.. that sun can take a break and the world will still be bright! Obviously she was looking HOT in red! We discussed about her life..her mcat.. and I made her drop her "part time" job so that she can justify her mcat prep. And another chunk of time was spent on me and Soumya. I was extremely happy to know that she thinks I am good for her. Made my day,week,month..everything. These kind of statements are important and confidence boosting. One thing I should say is that Lucy has amazing ability to notice people...moreover she can word it so well that its like if u read a book and then watch the movie u can relate very easily. I am pretty sure Lucy knows what I mean and I agreed to her observations over "Pad Thai Noodles" dinner we had! Lucy, those were awesoum! :P  So, I had a great time with her and got to know her better...dunno about her? Lucyyyy????

Next, friends here at loo.... I have got closer to some and improved with others too. Tony and me always have our daily chats and we are very similar in many ways and so its always insightful. Moo.. she features on my top 5 girl list and I dont rank girls on that list so all are equivalent! But yeah, its been great seeing her recovery and if shes happy ..makes me satisfied that I am doing something right! Dan- maybe I have been harsh..maybe I could have been harsher but yeah thats part and parcel of life. So that will go on... atleast till he finds solutions to his problems.It has to come from inside Dan! Also, this term I have had a lot more interaction with toshio,hilda ,yiwei, hanna and Estella! Other than that, I am improving with other people.. and number of people have been introduced has increased by leaps and bounds.

Ofcourse, this post is missing The USUAL SUSPECT!- Soumya. Have been seeing her a lot..long phone calls..lots of emails and all this has cemented that my feelings were right. She has that something brightens me up...cheers me..inspires me..makes me work HARDER! I even call her before my class quizzes coz I need her wishes! I am very transparent with her ..I mean its see through. And the fact that our interaction is going good with me being transparent, is that a signal? Moo can notice the DIFFERENCE when I receive her call as suppose to any other..its like I am on a different level! All this has contributed to me being confident about us. The question still remains: Do I have what she is looking for..and its like how we have different cuisines..A cuisine maybe great but doesnt mean everybody will like it equally. So I havent found answer to that yet! Maybe u guys can reflect something??  MCAT is her priority now..so I think I should wait.Understanding each other's goal is very important.

To end this post, I am trying to connect to my friends back home..phone calls and emails..but its hard. Need to improve on that. And good way to end a post is to have something to improve on!

Pinging, in the rippled pools of the heavy, grey, stone-lotus basins

The big one emptied slowly, into the little one

And it’s filling was done not just by the sky

But by and by

  from the mouth of the stone turtle on a pedestal

     and it reminded me of the world turning slowly, the cosmos itself

            on its back

                             the basins had gallons of water in them

                            and a lone,

                                       shining,

                                             soaked and crisp, green leaf;

                                             caught in lost circles moving this way

                               and that,

                    captive of the ripples made by the ripple-riddled surface,

        bombarded by the pouring rain

                                you know that not mere

                    drizzle fills the heart

And I stopped my walking meditation, round the obalisque,

                                     and directed my mind on the waters in the basins

And the beautfying rain,

                                  pounding me and the surface of the watered stone artifacts

                   of my mind

                              in meditation

Despite the daily painful questions

                                      enjoyed a bow of thanks

                              and respect

In this new moment in my life

                                 A mixture of turmoil

                      and calm

                                            And I said:

"I was this stone pool

And the essence of the universe:

in opportunity

in peaceful locality

in a loving family

in the freedom of my home country

in the education of forgiviness

and in the open-mind of my culture

and the education in my later years,

in The Tao

in Zen

activism

   and plurality

   and democracy

This way in my home land

I have been filled

And then one day we came to each other

And you loved me,

like a little stone-lotus basin

Taking me,

as I tried to give to you

I was also recently full

                         of sediment

                                        acid rain

                                      and rotten flower petals in decay

  clouding my surface,

                         yet you stayed opened

                                              opened as the sky

                               To receive me

You loved me, it seemed

                                      I was not full enough, with pure waters yet

                                                                                                   to fill you

         . . .

We are spiritually together this day

But we are apart

And I shall always see you

In the rain  

Copyright 2007-2008 by Carl Atteniese Jr [All Rights Reserved]. 

You can legally dial a number while driving. The law does not forbid texting. And not to mention, in the last 3 days I've had a meal and 2 snacks in the car, which require just as much 'hands on' as holding a cell phone.

If the idea is that the only having one hand available for steering is a safety issue, texting should definitely be part of the law. That can even require 2 hands on some devices. Realistically, if the idea is to get more hands on the wheel, then the law should be you have to drive with two hands.

I think the bluetooth headset manufacturers gave the CA government a nice little campaign contribution in return for this new law!

the internet is evil

and we're ALL on it

My parents were incredibly strict, when it comes to me. Some examples of what they did and how it affected me:

- Until the last day of my university, someone from my family dropped and picked me up. I was not allowed (unless absolutely needed to ride the bus alone, as my dad constantly worried about me getting kidnapped and raped - he watches a bit too much TV). The only other person who was allowed to drop/pick me up was my husband. In my final years, they allowed one or 2 selected friends to drop me off from school, since it's better than taking the bus alone.

Result: I was scared shitless of taking the bus/subway alone. I thought I would get lost, and thought every guy who looked at me was concocting a plan to kidnap and rape me. Basically I was paranoid. Once I got married, my husband encouraged me to take the bus/subway as sometimes I needed it to meet friends downtown, and I am finally cured of my fear. I doubt you'll find me at midnight riding alone in a miniskirt though, I'm cured, not stupid.

My parents did not like me having friends they did not approve of, which is fine, but they didn't approve of anyone.

Just look at their requirements for a friend (and there reason for it in brackets)...

- Must be a one of the top student (because smart friends motivate you to be smart and dumb friends bring your grades down by taking up your time by talking about things other than school!)

- Preferably Muslim (any other culture will introduce me to alcohol, cause they like making non-drinking people into alcoholics) *Newsflash-Muslim people drink too, except they just lie about it*

- Cannot wear indecent clothing (like a normal tank top, shorts etc.)

- Will hang out with me only at my house or their house with parental supervision.

- Will not keep me on the phone for long periods of time talking about how hot Leonardo is.

Result: Guess who became antisocial for a good period of time? I would have casual friends to eat lunch with but since I wasn't allowed to talk to them or chill with them, I never got in too deep.

I also got into anything that didn't have social requirements, reading, painting, writing...all solitary activities.

I also became shy and quiet, even though my mind was always running a mile a minute. It took my husband a few years to bring me out of my shell.

My parents gave me whatever I wanted as long as it wasn't freedom. I had a credit card at 14 to buy whatever I wanted, the catch was, I wasn't allowed to go to any shops without one of them. had a lot of clothes, books, cds, any material thing I wanted, except it had to be inside the confinements of my house.

Result: I am spoiled and a loner. I constantly need what I want, and a have a hard time denying myself anything (my husband hasn’t had a heart attack yet cause he doesn't check my CC bills, he just notices new shoes and tops appearing out of thin air one day). I have been working on controlling my urges, because bills do pile up and I no longer have the luxury of free boarding and food like the old days.

I also need to be alone, I need my space, not I like my space, I NEED MY SPACE. I just like being in a closed room, reading, surfing the net, or listening to music, but I have to do it everyday. I'm so used to being alone in a room, if someone’s always with me, I feel like they are invading my space. And again, my husbands curing this one too :P

I can't really blame my parents for the way they think, as many of these opinions are shared by parents of the south asian culture. They weren't taught to raise a child to be healthy emotionally and physically. They were taught to raise a physically healthy child who is successful in life. And to have their child be successful, they will keep the child away from temptations and harm. It's the way of parenting they have seen and the only form of parenting they know. But I have always wondered why they never tried to pick up some parenting ideas from North America. I know they notice how parenting is here... but they always seem to concentrate on the negative. "White parents kick out their kids at 18" was a line I heard often. But I never heard them talking about the parents who take the kids to soccer games, dance schools, who make the kids lunches everyday etc. I just wish parents of my culture would understand the concept of letting your kids grow into who they are and not what the parents want them to be.

------------

Good-natured Realists are warm-hearted, helpful personalities. They do their work conscientiously and have a pronounced organising talent. They often feel they are committed to traditional values. The family in particular is extremely important to Good-natured Realists. Their greatest pleasure is making themselves useful and taking care of other people. But they do not like pushing themselves to the fore; they prefer to fulfill their tasks out of the limelight. Good-natured Realists are real workaholics; they are very reliable and nothing is too much for them when it is a question of completing a project. Thoroughness, conscientiousness and sense of duty are their strongest points. They prefer established and familiar situations to new and unknown situations.

In dealing with others, Good-natured Realists are considerate and obliging; they are always happy to put aside their own requirements in the interest of their family and friends. Their home is mostly very well cared-for, cosy and tidy. Their perfectionism on the one hand and their aversion to delegating tasks on the other hand often lead to them taking on too much both professionally and privately. They cannot stand discord; conflicts make them very unhappy. One could almost describe them as being harmony-addicted - and this sometimes leads them to strongly neglecting themselves and their own wishes because they are unable to bring themselves to put up a fight.

Good-natured Realists dream of a stable and trusting relationship for life. Marriage and family are very important to them. They take care of their partner attentively and lovingly and put up with a lot for a harmonious relationship. They are also loyal and reliable friends. However, they can be very hurt if their interpersonal commitment is taken for granted for too long.

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Adjectives which describe your type

introverted, practical, emotional, planning, tradition-conscious, good-natured, self-sacrificing, caring, devoted, friendly, loyal, considerate, reliable, conscientious, loving, quiet, reserved, modest, helpful, objective, hard-working, warm-hearted, communicative, painstaking, altruistic

These subjects could interest you

cooking, animals, family, music, trekking, camping, hiking, craftwork, nature, drawing/painting, astrology, spiritual matters, meditation

One thing...I won't talk about. I know what it is, they know what it is, we'll leave it at that, but I want to say:

"I'm sorry, for everything."

The other thing is something I haven't really let anyone but Tricia know about. It's something that she helped me through since I met her and I appreciate it more than anything. On the off chance that you read this Tricia,

Thank You

But...I'm not over it like I thought I was...and I'm dreading my trip to Pennsylvania.

Of course, dealing with said virus would be easier if my job provides health insurance or paid sick leave.  Dealing with being sick would also be easier if it were the only troublesome thing on my plate, but because I mistakenly turned a paper in past it's lock date, and subsequently received a zero for the assignment and a D for the class and lost my financial aid for next year, right now my life just seems to suck all over the place.

This line of thinking conjures up the realization that while life has handed me a few lemons of late, my attitude could stand some fine-tuning, and that would make the biggest difference of all in every day right now.

There are things that happen that can't really be helped.  Getting sick came out of nowhere and shocked the hell out of me.  And frankly, I have moments where all I wanna do is lay in bed and pout and moan about how unfair it is.  And how now I have to be sick F-O-R-E-V-E-R and why oh why did this happen to meeee??  And then there are things like the mess with my class, or never-ending money woes, or time management issues, or weight issues that are 110% my fault and responsibility.  I complain all the time and never get anywhere.  "My job is boring."  Well, who's job is it to hand me another one?  "I never have money."  Okay, and who's job is it to give me more than I earn?  And monitor my spending habits to ensure I don't waste all of it away yet again?  "I lost financial aid for school."  Well, I shoulda read that due date more carefully.  "I'm fat and gross."  And I belong to a gym and have 100% control over what goes into my mouth.

I'm 23 and still seem to operate under the assumption that when my life stinks I have the right to complain, instead of either a) listening to that nagging voice that's ALWAYS right and doing what I know I should in the first place or b) taking the necessary steps to fix my own messes.  If I don't make enough money, well then I guess i need to make more.  If I don't like my job, well I guess I should find one i like more.  The one thing in life I can control is my actions, and what do I do?  Pretty much nothing.

I'm honestly amazed that I don't get slapped more often.

Actually there are two kinds of occupations. One occupation, in the material world, is sense gratification, and the other occupation is spiritual activity — to satisfy the Lord by His glorification. Those who engage in sense gratification are called demons, and those who spread the glorification of the Lord or satisfy the transcendental senses of the Lord are called demigods.
sb.3.22.2

While it is necessary to have this sense of discrimination that I should be associating with this person for my spiritual well-being whereas I should be giving this person my association for their spiritual well being, I think it is imperative to understand the proper mood by which to make these distinctions. Having a negative, hateful attitude towards non-devotees is beneficial for no one. Of course we have to feel some sort of disdain for sense gratification to affirm why we made the choice to fight against sensual urges and attempt to pursue self realization.  Yet at the same time we need to always be in the mood of compassion, in the mood of wanting to bring everyone out of the dark well of material life and into the blissful realm of Krishna consciousness.  In the words of Jesus, "hate the sin not the sinner."

In order to do this we must have compassion and the transcendental vision to understand this person is a spirit soul, a former inhabitant of Goloka Vrndavan who due to taking a turn down the wrong path has come here and lost their way back home.  We have to be willing to look past the externals of the situation. LIke when we are out on sankirtan and approach someone who is drunk, or smoking, or not-very conservatively dressed, or is eating something abominable etc. Instead of condemning this person we have to focus on whatever good we see in them even if its just the fact they are a spirit soul and try and help them get back on the right path. We have to hate the disease this person has yet love the diseased in the sense of wanting to bring them back to health.

I'm not speaking this because I have fully realized or practice this, but merely because I am aspiring to do this and can attest to the benefits of one doing this. Vaishnava compassion has touched my life in many ways. The first example I ever saw of this sort of compassion and unconditional love was from my beloved Spiritual Master.

When I came to this movement, I was not very clean in my habits. I had 3 out of the 4 regulative principles down, but the no intoxication one did not sit well with my lifestyle. I was a hippy, what can I say? As a member of the counter culture generally speaking intoxication, especially ingesting hallucinogenics, was seen as a path towards enlightenment, towards opening doors which are once opened can never again be closed. I do believe that these experiences led me to where I am today in the sense of making me fed up with material life, to understand that drugs don't lead to any permanent realizations or spiritual elevation  and to open my mind up to hear other viewpoints and seek ancient knowledge in sacred texts. Is it a pre-requisite for anyone coming to Krishna consciousness to go down the experimental path which I traversed?  Absolutely not. In fact I wish I had some idea of what moderation was at the time and could have understood the adverse affects ingesting these substances have on ones physcological well-being in the future.

Anyway the point is that even though at the time of my beginning to chant Hare Krishna and read Srila Prabhupada's books I did not even think of marijuana as an intoxicant it was just part of the daily life right beside eating and sleeping,  still my spiritual master encouraged me to practice Krishna consciousness. He never told me , " You're nonsense, you must give this up to be a devotee."  No doubt he made me aware of the regulative principles and encouraged me to come up to proper standard but, never did he condemn me or my behavior. By his love and his guidance, he made me want to come up to the proper standard. I wanted to please him.

I still remember one thing he said about my drug use namely, " this  is not required for spiritual advancement" . He also relayed that by doing this I am calling death very near. Never did he bring out the fifth canto and tell me , "if you continue to do this you are going to go straight to Hell and suffer in this way." He always acted out of compassion and to this day that is what keeps me here. The fact that until meeting His Grace Sriman Sankarshan das Adhikari, I had never experienced real unconditional love, compassion and felt that someone cared for me so much. Its hard to describe but I think perhaps those of us who have taken shelter of another devotee can relate to this feeling and if you haven't experienced this I encourage you to seek out a devotee and take shelter so you will know what I am talking about. One simple way to do that is to go to www.backtohome.com and experience first hand that which I have.

Anyway the point of my writing this is really just to say that we have to spread the love which has brought us here to where we are today. We have to learn to see everyone as "future devotees" as  His Grace Vaisesika Prabhu and countless others have show us by their example.

Hare Krishna.

If I fell asleep and began to sleepwalk, I wouldn’t want to be found doing anything else but creating my stories. Creating music.

I feel like a storm of shifting colors, constantly moving. Chaos kept within thin walls of skin. And when I breath, I am able to touch the world.