I’ll continue, but only to hear your words.

You’re asking to close my eyes, I see only holes

I’m forcing myself, to go far beyond.

Reality is, I’m scared to get lost.....

Sitting on my own, in Monmouth coffee place

Close by to two men, enjoying their date

I’m waiting to see if he comes along,

the guy with a red shirt, who first struck my soul

I’d like to stay here, as much as I can,

But time is a challenge, my break close to end

Returning again on dull spreadsheet files

I’ll think of all this, and try to smile....

这盘棋才刚开始，棋局“因不明而险峻”。。。何须忧，何须喜？

黑白两面反复交替，不到最后一分钟，如何下定论。。。

我只是一个渺小的棋子，总有一天会在棋盘上找到定位吧。

~

Anybody wants to teach me how to play Othello/Reversi?

“Anong ginagawa ng pictures na to dito?”

You know, I’ve never burned pictures in my whole life, because that’s like imitating a scene from a Filipino teleserye --it's way too dramatic. Like I said, pictures can never be replaced. So the only reason I’m actually moved to burn a picture is when I have no reason whatsoever to keep it. You might wonder, why not just crumple it, or tear it, and throw it away? Why burn? Simple: The person in that picture told me to burn it instead.

“Anong gagawin ko dyan?” he asked.
“Sayo yan eh. Kunin mo na.”
“Eh diba binigay ko nga sayo yan?”
“Hindi ko naman kaylangan yan eh. Anong gagawin ko dyan?”
He looked at me, a little hurt. And then he said, “Alam mo, kung ganun din lang, sunugin mo nalang.” (mega serious tone)

And I will.

But that was two weeks ago, and I still haven’t burned those pictures. It got me thinking: oo nga, why all this waiting?

For one, I have yet to show the picture to my best friend, so she has a visual memory of the perpetrator. Two, it’s like passing on a “Most wanted” poster to warn people of the dangers of coming across this person. “O, pagnakita niyo to, tandaan: delikado!” Three, and this I’ve only just thought of a few minutes ago, so I can study every facet of his face and make sure that when I meet somebody who resembles even just .01% of his features, I must take caution. Criminal alert! Haha. Bitter?!

Before you assume I’ve suddenly morphed into this crazed woman, let me assure you that I carry no grudge whatsoever towards this person. But the idea of burning the picture did not come from me, and he might have joked about it which I don’t know, but luckily I’m comfortable with the idea. It’s not like I’m burning him alive, people. He will still live after this, I assure you that. And I’m ready to assume he could care less what I do with those pictures because he also had the gall to erase my pictures! I wouldn’t even have found out if I never asked him. So I would think I’m more respectful in that I tried to return it to him.

But seriously, in this business of moving on and trying to pick up pieces of your used-to-be-carefree life, I feel that burning pictures actually does very little. True, once burned, those pictures are no more. But it’s not only his pictures that I’m trying to forget. The mere memory of him is like an indelible mark; it just doesn’t get erased over time. I wish I could discard memories the way I do with useless pieces of papers and burning of pictures. That once they no longer mean anything to me, I can just thrown them away.

It doesn’t happen like that. But at least I can do something tangible and with less drama. And may I say, with practical reason. I don’t need those pictures: they’re a waste of space in my wallet. I don’t need to be reminded of the face that had me crying for months: Too much waterworks distorts the face long term. And I don’t need a visual recollection of what he looks like: baka dumami lang ang nightmares ko.

My advice to those who want to burn pictures: do it for practicality. Moving on is never more  this practical.

I'm trying to apply that to my life now, looking for an apartment, finishing up school, trying to be content, it's all so foreign to the idea I had that my life would be at this age. I was going to be okay by now, I would have gotten over my past, had my degrees, going into practice, finishing up my book, writing poetry for all the world and loving harder than the sun shines bright....but things don't always go as you plan. The best you can do, hypothetically is move forward, when the pieces fall apart you can pick the pieces up again if you can find any, or create an entirely new illusion with pieces of the puzzle you remember.

On Friendship. Sidebar.

I'm pleased that I have found a few friends that I can relate to and share my innermost thoughts with, I was beginning to believe that friendship was completely one sided and only lasted up till the person you were friends with had moved on from that particular problem that you were helping them with. What kills me is that I know so many people but they don't know me, that I love so many people and they don't know my middle name. Sad really, but reality is sad and grimey and constant and bland and for the most part slightly amusing.

Growing up, loving, hating, being, changing, seeing, seeking, conforming....it's hard, we can either deal with it or run away from it now and deal with it later.

First of all, you still love this person, despite everything. Even after I knew without a doubt that my ex and I had no chance of fixing things, I still cared about him. That's not something you can just turn on and off - if you could, none of this would be that hard to handle. On top of that, your whole life is wrapped up with theirs - literally. Depending on how long you've been together, there could be children, a mortgage, investments, and who knows what else. Everything that you have tied together now has to be unravelled. Believe me when I say that the unravelling can be quite a task - it took me nearly a year and a half to get everything separated, and still things pop up from time to time that I didn't get to, like my phone bill that's still in my ex's name. Then there's the sometimes overwhelming amount of advice from well-meaning relatives and friends on what you should or shouldn't do, how you should do it, and why. Some of this advice is sound, some of it not so much, because while most people are just trying to be helpful, there are those that have their own agendas. Maybe your Aunt Margaret never liked your mate to begin with, or the neighbor across the street has had a crush on him and wants her shot at him. It's up to you to figure out who's who. Factor in the fear of the unknown, and of having to start over again, and the decision you're faced with is terrifying.

If you do find yourself in this kind of situation, there are several things you have to take into consideration before making any kind of changes. First of all, have you given yourself enough time to make a rational decision? When you life goes to hell in a handbasket, it's easy to make snap judgements that you could end up regretting later. I was lucky in this regard (if you want to call it that) - my ex was deployed with the military when I found out about his infidelities, so I had time to think things through without having to deal with him directly at first. It gave me time to clear my head and use common sense instead of making judgements fueled by pain and anger.

Another consideration is your partner. I don't mean that you should make your choice based on what they want. What I mean is that you need to take a look at how they are handling themselves now that they've been caught in whatever mess they've created. Are they truly regretful, or are they just sorry they got caught? Do they really fear losing you, or the security you represent? For that matter, you need to ask that question of yourself, too. My ex said what I wanted to hear, but continued on with business as usual with the other women in his life. It eventually became clear to me that he didn't want to change his behavior - he just depended on me to keep things running smoothly and didn't want that to change either. On the flip side, I have friends whose husbands have bent over backwards doing anything and everything their wives asked of them in an effort to rebuild what they had torn apart. You really just have to watch and see what he or she does after the ax falls.

If there are children involved, you have to plan properly so that minimal damage is done to them in this whole process. That applies whether you stay or go. If you're angry and bitter but decide to stay "for the children", don't think that won't tear them apart. It will. And if the relationship is not so damaged that it can't be fixed, but you decide to leave too hastily, they'll know that too. As much as you might want to be, you can't be selfish now - those children are innocent bystanders in something they have even less control over than you do, and they depend on you as their parent to protect them in the best way you can. It's important that whatever environment they end up in is one they can grow, flourish and be happy in, and you're the only one that has to figure out which environment is best for that.

And as cold as it may seem, there's also the financial aspect. No, you shouldn't stay with someone for money. But you should use caution if you do decide that things can't be repaired between the two of you. Make sure that you're financially able to care for yourself and your children if you have them, and make sure that you can't be taken advantage of financially by your mate. Plenty of people have left in anger, only to discover that they could not afford to be on their own. And plenty of other people have not been vigilant enough about the dollars and cents while they were trying to make a decision, only to find that their significant other made that decision for them and took all the cash in the process.

The bottom line is that, while there is a ton of emotion you have to deal with in this kind of situation, you need to be circumspect and make sure none of your choices are made on a purely emotional level. Reason things out, use common sense, take all the information you have about past and present behavior into account, and try to make a sane, reasonable decision based on what you want and need, and what you can live with. You may also want to go and see a counselor or therapist (or a trusted friend, if you're not comfortable with professional help) who can help you wade through the immense amount of garbage that's been thrown your way, so that you can get on with your life, one way or another. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, the only way out is through - but you CAN get through this, you CAN choose the path that's right for you, and you CAN be happy again. Just be smart about it.

Lyrics:
"Anthem"

The birds they sang
at the break of day
Start again
I heard them say
Don't dwell on what
has passed away
or what is yet to be.
Ah the wars they will
be fought again
The holy dove
She will be caught again
bought and sold
and bought again
the dove is never free.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

We asked for signs
the signs were sent:
the birth betrayed
the marriage spent
Yeah the widowhood
of every government --
signs for all to see.

I can't run no more
with that lawless crowd
while the killers in high places
say their prayers out loud.
But they've summoned, they've summoned up
a thundercloud
and they're going to hear from me.

Ring the bells that still can ring ...

You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.

Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack, a crack in everything
That's how the light gets in.

Ring the bells
(Leonard Cohen)

the line struck me. i am still hurting, but the kind of hurt that i just want to go on with my life but i can't.

after (please fill in the time passed) since the last encounter, things were never the same.

i lost my soul at home. or sometimes, i leave it in school.

it's hard to forget and enjoy life when you are reminded everyday of the present situation (aka the girl he is courting). i see him in her, and thoughts continue to linger in my head. their friends continue to surround me with annoying reminders that they're happier, better, etc.

case in point: i lost. it's done. get over it.

i started avoiding people because i want my own life-away from the office, away from his friends. i have a little world that revolves around me, my schoolwork, my choir rehearsals, and those tiny sparks that tell me that i am still wonderful. i think that it already came to a point that i want to scream on top of my lungs just to make things better, but i can't. a couple of months of not talking to the usual people, not even smiling, and pretending that they don't exist seemed like forever.

fyi: i am not staying because i still hope that one day will come and the world will conspire with me and my lost love will reappear, but because i need to accomplish something big.

so even if it pains me to be in this place everyday, i try my best to remain focused on the promise of victory. i know for a fact that we experience hardships to test our strength, to strech our limits, to polish us like diamonds so that will be a cut above the rest. and i bet if this happens to them, they won't even stand this long of suffering.

as i write this, i become more aware that i am not perfect, and that i have to embrace every challenge that will be presented to me. i hide with outstretched arms as i beg God to continue to give me forgiveness, grace, wisdom, patience and strength and to comfort me when all the world suddenly turn its back on me. i do not owe anybody an explanation, just like what patrick told me this morning. "we are not celebrities here that we have to tell them everything...."

i live for each day, for every spark of hope that i can get. i love my life. my life loves me too.

--cubi, getting stronger and stronger everyday. :D

why did tiffany text me today? it's been weeks since i last saw her and called her...she nvr returned my call. i can't say that i'm completely over her. i really dug the chick. is it possible to be totally into someone but still have feelings for another? whatever. i'm sure about how i feel about mo...not completely sure how i feel about tif. but that's irrelevant b/c she made it pretty clear we're not on the same page. everything feels right about mo. i don't think i've ever connected with someone like this. u know, at first i always compare mo to tif. i think it's good that i've stopped. ugh. why is it that when u have a great thing, something else always rears its beautiful dreadlocked head?

IT'S A BOOZE-FREE AFFAIR YO. :D

Looking back...
1. Bright pink and yellow floral HANDMADE card from my 4/1 darlings (Dingding, Hui Ping, Cindy, Zi Ling, Marlene, Meichen, Chooey and Limin!)
2. Vinegar-infested photos on facebook (Jason, Ruiqi, Yanliang, Edwin, Pedro and Chang)
3. Fuzzy feeling deep in my heart (credits to Wenxu and the rest of Linguine) 
4. Yummy fats from Coffee bean's Choc Cake (Shanny and the rest of CI Club) 
5. Joy derived from visiting Brickland Road/Old Choa Chu Kang Road/Lorong Semangka to get to Farmart for dinner, aimless driving, unplanned itineraries and going to new places like the Top of the World :) (Credits to Shin and his Turtle)
6. My Photos from Henderson Wave from freestyle/noobstyle shooting (Credits to Shin & his trusty camera) 
7. Two HUGEEEEE birthday balloons in hall (which I just received yesterday from my favourite people, the Cliters)
8. Wallet from Jenny (it's so obvious you were asking me about colours, my dear)
9. Photos by Kaiwen, from our last-minute-let's-shoot-something, at ADM. 
10. A song from Roy named after me :)

I've been blessed with great friends, old friends, fuzzy friends, whose nuggets of "wisdom" never fail to enlighten me, whose support I can always count on. 

The Cliters are the gems in my life. We're not happy plastic people. We're the sort who'd storm off if we're angry and we say ouch when we're hurt. Get it? I love them. Though we've left school, left our nonsensical days in ACJC, I'm really glad we're still tight and singing Hokkien songs and 鲁冰花 at our latest hangout and causing the KBox system to crash. Hehe. We ain't sobshits emokids as well. We are just comfortable in our skin, being ourselves and being around others.

Thanks guys, especially Stella, for the fab cake choice, balloons and all that planning and tolerating with my postponing/late-coming crap. :) I'm not a fan of chocolate but I loved both chocolate cakes for my 19th, so much so that I was eating Stel's share. 

Last night's shoot with sparklers felt magical. For one, I wanted to shoot before the sun set but we were really running out of time. I didn't expect Kaiwen to bring sparklers but it was goooood 'cos I can so vividly remember on the 16th, I was still shrieking and fearful of sparklers when Ahmad was taking pictures of Linguine forming our OG name with sparklers.

But last night, I managed to twirl around and play with them on my own, with much help from Kaiwen lighting them up and all. Somehow I was no longer scared. It was as though I regained my childhood, where I was more fearless and less paranoid. In another way, it could be akin to growing up and growing out of this fear as well.

"What's wrong with being the youngest, as long as you're capable of doing work as well?"

(Y)
Here is Roy's composition. 

I wasn't expecting something serious-sounding like this but there are some parts of the song that I can relate to definitely. I like the pun played on my name. Thank you Roy. It's beautiful and it's a blessing to have such a talented and giving friend like you. :) *melts in mushy land*

The second song I'd like to share is something that Stella sang and it made me cry, possibly 'cos of the MV as well. 

叫阮的名/巫启贤

谁在叫阮的名 一句比一句痛
亲像在问阮甘会惊寒
不需要别人来讲 阮心内嘛知影
是你的声 是你的声

谁住在阮的梦 一住就一世人
尚惊日头会将咱拆散
虽然离开那呢远 阮犹原会知影
是你的影 是你的影

叫阮的名 阮用一生斟酌听
当初细汉未赴乎你了解你是阮的生命
叫阮的名 阮需要你来作伴
人生的路途阮爱你牵阮走

Living in hall has really made me appreciate my family more. I know Mummy is becoming more and more understanding of my current schedule and commitments. It's such a change for myself to be without them and I know, for them, to be without me as well. 

Very often, I miss my younger siblings. And I realised that's something my friends in hall would beg to differ about. And I wonder why. 

I love my parents, for their humane qualities. I think that has shaped me into who I am today. I'm pretty sensitive and sensible at the same time. I'm real, I have feelings, I smile and I try to smile even when my insides at frowning.

My father taught me the importance of being useful to society.
My mother taught me to be giving (not asking for anything in return). The same goes for my maternal grandparents.

& My three uncles...
Hoe Soon taught me to be carefree, to be true to myself and to appreciate nature.
Holy taught me the importance of planning ahead and taking action and a whole great deal...
Ah Meng taught me to be inquisitive, open-minded and immerse myself in all environments. 
Thank you.

And I thank my parents for everything, good or bad.

No matter what,

人生的路途阮爱你牵阮走。

I'm so super nervous about the idea of interviewing again.  But, I want to do what will make my life better and make me happier, and all those things are in Appleton.  I hate being two hours away from BF, HATE IT!  We both hate Sundays so much because it means I have to leave the next morning which means that we only really get one good day together every week.  So we are stepping, a big step.

my life is not black and white, as i'm sure yours isn't either.

there are few things in my life i have seen through to its completion. graduating college was, and still is, the pinnacle of that. i've started a multitude of projects or goals that for one reason or another have ended up stuck on a shelf of things-to-do-later that collect dust, and ultimately, become forgotten. much like monopoly and my unread copy of war and peace.

there are many psychological reasons that can explain this phenom floating around out there, i'm sure, and i could probably blame this on my childhood and my much-hated desire to meet every expectation that my mother, father, and entire family has set for me. the oldest child. the golden asian flower. hope for the family at large.

bad things about me, that over the course of the past years i have come to see include this and the following:

- bad communicator. if i feel like something is wrong i won't say anything for fear that it is i that is wrong.

- saying no. i use to be really good at saying no, and then i stopped saying it.

- saying i'm sorry. i have so much pride it hurts.

- being responsible for my misactions. i hate being in the wrong, so anything i can do to deter that even if it means doing nothing, i will.

- fear of making the wrong choice(s), or not making them at all. regret, sucks. regret that hurts everyone around you, sucks even more. everyone says they don't believe in regrets -- back to that 'everything happens for a reason'. but i have them. i don't believe everything happens for a reason. when i lend it to that i have taken my ability to choose out of the equation. it becomes my choice for not doing anything at all but float along that stream of life, no matter if i hurt you or you hurt me.

recently, i got married. next to graduating college, that was my next 'seeing it to completion.' seeing the beauty of friendship, respect, and love unfold and blossom into family and commitment. when i made that decision, i decided, too, to let some things go, and to let other freedoms go. its been hard for me, i won't lie. inside and out. because i have felt my self-identity melt into this blob of 'us' and 'future' and 'life planning.' i feel myself become the nagging wife, the woeful mother, a woman torn between fulfilling her own dreams and that role of wife.

and then suddenly everything i've put on hold...everything collecting dust...become a row of regrets, choices i didn't act on, heartache tucked away behind scrapbooking, painting, and scraps of poetry.

so, today. i've made a choice. it doesn't hurt anyone out there. i'm not sure what that means for me and most obviously what it means to you.  and what that means for the rest of my life. if truly, things are meant to be, they will. regardless of what choice i make today.

First, what got me feeling down--

After my much glorified progress I had a minor set back. Not big enough to hurt anything but enough for me to notice.

I heard from Brandon on Thursday. It made me happy. 

I'm dog sitting this weekend. I enjoy spending time with the dog and I'll get some extra money, which is needed. The downside is spending so much time by myself. Its downtime that I can't handle. It doesn't even have to be time I am with people but time I am doing something. I have a long To-Do list and so there really isn't a reason that I am without anything to do.

I'm struggling being okay with not caring about him anymore and maybe even accepting that I hate him. As unchristian that might be, I hate him. So I guess God has some work to do there. Going from loving someone to hating him was an interesting process. I tried the whole forgiveness thing, praying for him, wishing him the best. ....I'm over that.

But "he" wasn't the one this blog post is about Brandon.

******

It's Brandon.

I've had a crush on Brandon since 7th grade. He is so cute. 

I got out of class at about six o'clock and I had a voice message from him. He asked if I wanted to have breakfast with him. I was confused because I was no longer back home and wasn't sure why he was asking me when I was seven hours away. I returned his call and he told me he was going to be two hours away but would only be there overnight. 

I was excited to see him. I thought I could spend the night with Zach, stop by and visit Steve, and then have breakfast with Brandon in the morning. It sounded too perfect. 

I love seeing my guys and seeing them all on one trip was a dream come true. But it being last minute, me dog sitting that weekend, working on programming, and being broke made me decide to not go. :-( I was sad. 

I broke the news to Brandon, he was a little bummed. But not as bummed as I was. I haven't seen Zachie in such a long time, Steve even longer. 

Brandon called me at 2:30 am and we talked for a while. He wasn't drunk, he hasn't drunk dialed me in a while. ;-) But here is the good news! His band will be playing in a show(s?) at the end of the month and so I will be able to see all of my guys then. It will not just be an overnight thing but an entire weekend!!! I'm stoked. 

I've gotten used to the fact that I may always have a crush on Brandon. During the summer him and I had a minor "fling" (that was interesting)  but there were no fireworks, no magic...a little disappointing. He lost his appeal for a while but its back. I don't want to date him I've become happy just having a crush on him. Thinking about him makes me smile and thats all I need. It keeps me entertained and its safe. I don't want a relationship. 

In a way my crush for Brandon is comforting. Its something familiar, regular, and I've grown accustomed to it. I don't know what to do if its not there. He is still one of my best friends although we don't talk regularly (we have been doing better about that) but our history as friends keeps us close and I like that. He is one of those people I need in my life. He has a specific role he plays and he has done a very good job at filling it.)

Dedicated to you!

It is as if they woke up and realized while they were passed out, everyone left their party and didn't bother waking them when they left... They were there just for the free beer.

I guess they are just discovering that they are losers all along....

You have probably heard the reports echoing up and down the campaign trail.  No matter how the political leaders try to keep their rallies civilized, the people showing up are demanding only blood.... not truth, not forgiveness, none of their esteemed Christian values whatsoever... Like thirsty Romans at a Christian beheading they scream and yell for "no quarters".....

The Republican party has lost its soul...

They are pathetic.

They are sick.

Just for fun, I thought I would visit Fox News to see how they would try to spin this element of hate into a glorious celebration of the raw spirit that makes America what it is...

I was shocked...

They too, condemned it....... like everyone else....

No I don't need to tell you, that if Fox News condemns the Republican Party, then Republicans MUST REALLY SUCK.

Don't waste your time calling me partisan... tell it to Fox News....

McCain is trying to tone down the over-the-top, extremist and bigoted rhetoric coming from his supporters with a simple message “it’s got to be respectful.” It did not go over that well among some of his hardcore Republican base who repeatedly booed the GOP nominee and that message today. It was really a must see.

First of all, I want to be president of the United States and obviously I do not want Senator Obama to be, but I have to tell you. I have to tell you, he is a decent person and a person that you do not have to be scared as president of the United States.” (BOOS)

"He was booed multiple times for calling for respect and at one point had to grab the mic from one supporter who called Obama an Arab and defended him as a “decent family man citizen.”

His first call for civility after being asked for a “real fight” next Wednesday captures it:

17:41:57 And we want to fight, and I will fight but we will be respectful. I admire Senator Obama and his accomplishments. I will respect him (BOOOOOOSSS) and I want—- (BOOS) 17:42:10 I want everyone to be respectful and let make sure we are because that’s the way politics should be conducted. So lets make sure that we are all respectful.

There appears to be one Republican who is maintaining his composure in the midst of this mob frenzy, and that is John McCain himself....

But those wackos in his party... The ones who haven't a clue...

Can Hube, Burris, Frank Knotts, John Feroce, Shirley, David Anderson, possibly explain to the rest of us what has happen to their party; why it has suddenly lost its mind and is flailing about without any coordination or control?

No way can a Republican be trusted in any position of power....if this is what they are...

So says Fox News.

I went to a large public event today, and I'm proud with myself for not feeling paranoid, or scared of touch, or like each casual glance is a sharp needle straight into my brain. It wasn't until afterwards that I realised that only a few months ago, attending it would have been impossible.

I've come so far in such a short period of time.

And yet, I'm still out of touch with how I feel, and the mechanisms by which silly behaviours and beliefs come out of those feelings. The one thing everyone always wants to know is, "What triggered it?". And I still don't know. No answer seems sensible enough. I can't even explain why I became how I was. How this illness of feelings and thoughts affects my body, my life, my personality. I'm usually percieved as a quiet, gentle, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly kind of person. So what drives me to shout at people... to percieve that nothing can be right in the world till I am dead... to stare into space for hours and not notice that any time has passed at all... to plot my own death in cold blood?

I cannot get my head round this.

Why is that I cannot control these things, while other people manage to live their lives without once troubling "services"? Why I have entered this world at all? This place where one speaks calmly of "behaviours" and "medications" and "services"? I don't belong here, this is a place for people who are ill. I just don't think right...

EDIT: I've been wavering over whether to private this or not. For the moment I'm leaning towards not-private, but don't be surprised if it disappears again.

Guy #1

Cons:

• no backbone
• not assertive
• coward
• complained all the time
• too much "woe is me"
• blamed everyone/ everything else for his problems
• lazy
• made excuses
• not smart enough
• quitter
• lies
• horrible with money

Pros: 

• spoiled me
• love me
• did whatever I wanted
• treated me like a princess
• was always supportive
• would talk to me about feelings, thoughts (but not about politics, the world...too much feeling not enough thinking)
• I was always a priority

Guy # 2

Cons:

• Coward
• Passive aggressive
• liar
• narcissistic
• arrogant
• full of himself
• couldn't share his feelings
• wasn't supportive
• Made me feel like an inconvenience
• worried about money too much

Pros:

• Brilliant
• Valued friends and family
• Cared about education
• work/goal oriented
• Talked about politics, news, & current event

Not sure if they are really pros since they were never balanced which drove me nuts but I guess that is why it didn't work out. Perhaps I'm too picky and I can only focus on what needs to be "improved" instead of what is good and is working. But they were both extremist. One was too "lily-centered" and the other one too "him-centered" and left me on the back-burner with intentions of getting to it but when the time came decided he didn't want it anymore. Now I am slowing realizing that he didn't ever want it but just felt incomplete if the burner was empty. 

I'm beginning to realize how I just switched roles in my last two relationships. I was the dominant one I was "guy #2" with Guy #1. I kept him on the back burner and got rid of him when he was no longer needed.  Somehow I let myself become "guy #1" with guy#2. I was needy and him-centered. 

Karma's a bitch but knowing karma's out there makes me smile. 

Anyway, 

knowing that guy #2 was what was missing with guy #1 but not wanting to find a balance to make room for me will hurt. That one will hurt for a while. But its okay, I am okay. 

I hated his haircut and I hated the way he dressed. Hated it! Argh. I can finally say that. I tried to give him suggestions about how to fix his hair problem but he didn't listen. But i shouldn't judge because its a class thing and I should be such an elitist (right pam?) 

I'll never have to deal with annoying family members (although I will miss some of them). 

Speaking of family members. I nearly avoided running into Guy #1 with his mom, step dad, and girlfriend today (twice!). Phew!

After that long little rant---

what I know I do what:

I want it all. But I want someone who can balance it all.

I have never told anyone these things, it was to hard to admit. My brothers and sisters never knew, my husband never knew, my children never knew , my best friends never knew, my therapist does not know  and no, you will not know them either, for I do not talk about them.  They have tried to surface a few times before and I had managed to beat them back and fortify the walls. But this summer I was weak, I was emotionally venerable, I had taken a large step for myself by filing the divorce and  I had opened my heart and soul to another person for the first time in many years. In the fashion of a true business woman in the midst of a company decline, I let go of a few of the guards on my inner prison.  And the dementors slowly began to escape.  I found myself struggling to do damage repair  and trying to rebuild and fortify the walls I had left unprotected, but I could not do it fast enough. Soon I had feelings I had not felt in years and new feelings battling with each other. And by August I could not handle the battle alone. 

I still never told anyone about the deepest and darkest dementors, I only let go of the more recent ones, the ones that were the newest and the easiest to discuss. I continued to fight and beat back the strongest on my own. Until yesterday. 

Yes, I finally told someone. Someone that I really wanted to understand what happened to me this summer and know that even though he was involved, he was not entirely at fault for what I went through. Someone I still care deeply about and who had openly stated that he felt like he was to blame for my demise.  It was not easy.  It was scary, to say the least, and although I had rehearsed the words in my mind, they did not come out the way I had planned.  There was so much hurt involved in opening the wounds and finally telling someone. I was afraid of how he would judge me afterward, afraid that he would not understand, afraid that by talking about them I would relive them further so I could only open a few of them. But I did manage to get out the deepest buried dementor, the one that had haunted me the longest.  I asked that he just listen and not respond. After I aired them , I did not want to talk about them further.  This was a big enough step.

Yes it hurt, it hurt all day before I spoke, it hurt while I was telling it and all day after I spoke, it even hurts alittle today. I feel very venerable. But it also helped, I know know I have to talk about these things, I have to release them from their prison and fight them on even ground to finally kill them off. I have to be like Harry Potter  and face the finally battle against the dementors to free myself and move on. Its funny how things fall into place sometimes. Usually I see my therapist on Thursday, but this week we had to move my apointment to Monday.  I think we will move back from discussing today's issues to some of them I thought I because I had buried them they would not effect me. I was wrong, you can run but you cannot hide from the dementors!

For the crack in my heart that took forever to heal
Now there’s no scar,
No pain left to feel
Thank you, Thank you

You left me with no choice but moving on

It’s a mountain I climbed
A page that I turned
A battle I won
A hard lesson learned
I never thought I’d be the woman that I am

So thank you

For the way that he looks
When he looks in my eyes
A kiss on my lips
The love of my life
Thank you, Thank you

For letting me see
How good love can be
Because of the way you didn’t love me
Thank you, Thank you
Now I wouldn’t want it any other way

So thank you

For broken dreams
For swallowed pride
For closing doors
The blessings in disguise

Had to pick myself up
When you knocked my heart down
Took all of my strength to get up off the ground
I never thought I could
But now I know I can

Oh yeah it made me baby
The woman that I am
So thank you