So what makes it home? You know the saying "home is where the heart is"? Well, it's true.  I have very little of my own things there, aside from my clothes, but yet the comfort level there is much greater than when I was surrounding by my own furniture and trinkets.  Knowing that you are loved and appreciated and yes, even cherished, makes all the difference in the world.  Ok, I am rambling.

I have not had a lot of contact with my ex over the past week and I am thinking that is a good thing.  The contact we did have was by text message and even that was a little painful as he is obviously hurting and not really trying to hide it from me.  Better that I don't call him though because his pain seems to affect me still.  I never wanted to cause him pain, but I needed to do what I did in order to start healing from my own.  I am really uncomfortable with hurting others.  All my life has been spent trying to console and help others, not hurt them.  The decision to even leave was difficult because I have never really done anything that was just about me.  My decisions have always been weighed by the effect it will have on those around me.  I have always been a caretaker, and as a result, a lot of my own needs have gone unmet. I am finally trying to allow those needs to be met, it's just too bad that my ex is not the one who is doing that.

When I talked to my mom about all of this, the separation, the new/old love, she was very supportive of me.  Most moms are supportive of their kids, but she was more than just supportive, she was downright excited for me.  Over the years, my mom and I had drifted apart.  It wasn't any one thing, we just drifted.  My ex did not get along well with my family.  There was no outright animosity, he just didn't ever seem to fit in.  Everyone was polite to him and treated him well but there was definitely no "connection" even after almost 25 years.  In fact, when my brothers found out that I had left, the general concensus was "it's about time".  Makes me sad actually, I guess I should have paid more attention to their concerns about me.  My mom told me that yes, it was about time.  She is the one who said that I have spent my whole life looking after everyone else and never myself. 

When I look back on it, I can see she is right.  From the time I was five years old, I have been looking after others in some way.  I lived with elderly grandparents at that age and since my grandmother had MS and was unable to walk very well, and my grandfather was legally blind, there were things that I took responsibility for.  I don't regret that at all however.  My grandparents were wonderful and treated me very well, they did not ask me to do things for them, I volunteered.  I have been volunteering to help ever since, even at my own expense. 

We all have needs.  We need to have something to do, someone to love and we all need to BE loved.  Having kids filled that need for me when they were little.  Small children adore their parents.  You are the world to them and they believe that you know absolutely everything...until they go to school. That transition when teachers become more of a mentor to your kids than you are is a terrible time!  Suddenly, you don't know a lot of things and as they get older, you know nothing at all.  I hear that this phase passes as well but since my kids are all still under 25, I have only seem glimpses of that light at the end of the tunnel.

Back to needs.  We all need time to ourselves as well.  There are two words that describe the same physical situation but have totally different emotional connotations. Those two words are loneliness and solitude.  The difference between them is attitude.  When I was younger, I hated being alone.  Over the years, I have learned to cherish being alone.  Solitude.  Once I was comfortable with myself, I began to understand the difference between solitude and loneliness and now, as a middle aged woman, I like quiet alone time.  To me, there is nothing better than a house with no noise, no TV on, just me and a good book or even just me.  I have discovered that I actually LIKE me.  I am not a bad person to hang around with.  I used to go down to my studio and paint just to get some time to myself, and although I haven't been painting lately, I still enjoy that alone time.

Going home this time, I know that I can have that time to myself if I need it but I also know that I am loved and cherished.  My new/old love encourages me, even expects me, to be myself.  There is no expectation that I will sit and worship at his feet or spend all of my time attending to his needs.  He understands and appreciates me for who I am, not what I do for him.  It's a pretty new feeling for me and I love it.

I have to step back a bit here. I mentioned in another post about my history with church and the like.  I consider myself a believer in God.  I don't like to use the term "Christian" because it has it's own overtones and for many, negative connotations.  I believe in the Bible, that it is inspired by God, particularly the Old Testament.  To say I was religious would be a misnomer, religion is rules and regs made by man.  I am spiritual and I believe we need to have relationship with God and with one another.  I hope that makes sense but if it doesn't, feel free to comment or ask me about it.

In one of our online conversations, my lost love (and I think I will just use LL for the time being) and I discussed some issues we were likely to face.  One of those issues was adultery.  LL is a practicing Christian, goes to church every Sunday when he is not working and reads his Bible every morning.  He wants to live a life that is pleasing to God and tries very hard to live what he reads.  I knew there would be some concerns with the whole adultery thing.

Here is my take on this whole situation and I am sure there will be naysayers and perhaps even a few that would agree with me.  I want you to keep an open mind about this as I am not even sure where it came from but there was, in the course of our conversation, a flash of insight.  Biblically speaking, marriage is a covenant between a man and a woman.  That covenant is traditionally sealed by blood (the breaking of the hymen).  There are vows, yes, but the sealing of the covenant is by the shedding of blood.  That is the traditional method of sealing a covenant in biblical times.  I have yet to find a scripture, New or Old testament that negates this.  It was expected that a woman be a virgin when she married, hence all the uproar surrounding Mary's prenuptial pregnancy.  That is the background for what I am about to share regarding my thoughts on adultery.

Now, my situation.  My LL is the one with whom there was shedding of blood.  In other words, he was the one who took my virginity.  Skipping forward 8 years to the time I made a vow with my husband, although it is not something I am proud of, he was definitely not my first.  So here is the question; with which of these men do I have a biblical covenant?  Scripturally speaking, I was in adultery when I was with my husband because I had already made a covenant with LL.  Having ended my marriage (in my heart, not on paper as yet), and being back with LL does not constitute adultery...or does it?  Many will say I am justifying but I honestly don't feel that I am.  This thought process had not even occurred to me and the way it came to me, almost in a flash, was strange.  I tend to be one to over think things if anything, not someone who jumps in with both feet.  I am also quite sensitive to when I am acting outside of what God wants for me and doing what my flesh wants.  The other part of this is that there hadn't been any physical contact between LL and myself at the time that this came to me, so I don't think it was sexual desire that brought me to that conclusion.

Say what you will, this is the way I see it.  If you wish to offer opinions, please feel free to do so!  I have no guilt issues or regrets about where I am going or what I am doing in this relationship, and if God is not pleased with me, He will let me know.

At times, our conversation would get deeper and we would talk about my unmet needs.  Having been married and divorced, my "friend" had done a lot of soul searching on his own about the problems he and his ex wife had faced in their own marriage and what had gone wrong.  He could see in my relationship, some of the same things his own wife had complained about.  Thirteen years of bachelorhood gives one time to think I guess.

Since I had already decided to leave my marriage, my next step was to think about how to go about it.  I needed to have a place to stay.  We had been planning on moving to the other side of the country and had already given notice in our rental house.  The packing and cleaning was already underway at this point, albeit, minimally.  I was working in my camp job and was away from home 2 weeks at a time.  Ex hubby was not working and was supposed to be getting everything ready for the move.  He did make the arrangements for a sea can and checked into all the costs etc. but there was little done as far as the actual packing was concerned. 

I asked my lost love if it was possible for me to land there once I had told my husband I was leaving.  I didn't want to say I was leaving and then have to stay there until I found a place.  The last thing I wanted to do was cause more pain than was necessary.  This situation should not have come as a shock to him; I had talked about how I was feeling for several months leading up to this.  He had asked me to take some time to reconsider and I did, and I made my decision.  My old flame was more than happy to offer his home to me as a safe place to stay.  He even went so far as to say that if that was uncomfortable for me, he would put me up in a hotel until I got my own apartment.  He offered me the use of one of his cars and the rental of a storage locker if I needed it.

I was not leaving my husband for this man, I was leaving my husband for ME, and me alone.  My motives were quite clear; I was getting away from dying and working on getting a life back. That was really what this was all about, the contact with the old flame was simply a means to an end.  It gave me a safe haven and wasn’t that what had held me back from leaving before?

I chose to leave the day I got back from my 2 week rotation at work.  My husband picked me up from the airport.  There were a couple of errands that had to be dealt with right away and we took care of those. Once at home, I laid it all out very clearly.  I had not even unpacked my suitcase.  I have a good friend that lives close by, so I made plans to go there first as I didn’t want my husband to know where I was going.  I planned on walking over to my friends house but even in his anger, my husband chose to drive me there.  Once there, I broke down in my friend’s arms and told her what had happened.  Once I had settled down a bit, I called my lost love to come and get me.

I was a mess emotionally. You don’t end a 25 year relationship without feeling some sense of loss unless you heart is very hard.  That was one of the most difficult days I have been through.  I am not a mean person; I don’t like causing people pain.  To know that I was the cause of pain for not only my husband but for my kids as well, was an experience I don’t ever want to repeat.  My old flame came to get me and allowed me my space.  He didn’t try and console me but allowed me to be quiet and to cry and just to be.  On the drive back to his place, he touched my hand and asked if that was ok.  I needed gentleness but I also needed that human contact and he knew it.  I knew right then and there that I had done the right thing, made the right choice. I was not alone and I would be ok.

It has been almost 2 months now and I am still sure of my decision.  The part I had not foreseen was that I would fall back in love with this man who I had loved at the tender age of fourteen.  I had told him to guard his heart because I was concerned that in trying to help me, he would get too involved and end up hurt.  The ease with which I found myself back in his arms was almost frightening. What was most frightening was how right it felt.  Shouldn’t I feel guilty or something?  How could this feel like the most natural thing in the world when we had been apart for thirty years?  We weren’t the same people we had been in 1977, yet it seemed as if we had never been apart but had grown together all along. Regardless of the road we had taken, we had ended up in the same place.

All my life's  a circle..Sunrise and sundown....

Those are the words to a song by Harry Chapin, an artist my ex-husband loves.  The song itself speaks to my heart because life can be very circular and therein lies my little story.

Twenty three years of marriage. Twenty five years together, and now it's over.  My decision, my choice and I take full responsibility.  I know that the aftermath is not for me alone to live through but it was a decision that I made out of self-preservation.  My ex husband is not a bad man.  He did not beat me, yell at me or otherwise abuse me.  He provided for our family for many years.  He did not drink or do drugs or any of  the other things that cause women to leave.  The marriage choked the life out of me.  I was dying inside and for a long time, didn't even see it happening.

Fifteen years in church taught me that a women needs to back up her husband and I still believe that to be true, but there is a fine line between "stand by your man" and allowing yourself to be so consumed by your husband and marriage that you lose your own identity.  I crossed that line many years ago.  I became a shadow of him.  I knew something was wrong several years ago but I could not put my finger on the problem.  I was unhappy, and that's all I could really tell anyone, including my husband.  I often thought of leaving, but never knew where I would go or what I would do.  I have job skills but in a small community, jobs are hard to find.  Besides, with nothing but joint accounts, how could I get the money for another home?  How could I leave?  Those are the things that consistently stopped me from leaving. 

I did try and express my unhappiness, but it was hard to articulate it when I didn't even really recognize it. I tried in many ways, many times to make things work.  I tried to model behaviour that I wanted my husband to do.  I tried to cajole, coerce, and generally to make him change.  People, if you are reading this, please understand one thing: IT DOESN'T WORK!!! You simply cannot change another person.  The only person you have control over is yourself (and some of us have little enough of that!)

Bottom line was that it was time to move on.  It took me over five years, and a trip across the country alone to see what was happening to me.  I went to visit an old friend, one who knew me prior to my marriage.  While I was there, we reminisced, as people do, and I found myself feeling very different. Very alive.  In the course of our discussions, it came out that this friend had stopped contacting me a few years into my marriage because he felt that I was no longer the person that he knew and that I seemed to be very distant when we talked.  He was happy that during my visit, he didn't get that same sense.

I thought a lot about that on my trip and on my way home.  I came to the conclusion that I was dying inside and that if I did not act soon, it would be too late and I would just carry on with my unhappy existence.  That led me to change something on my status on one of those social networks.  In came a flood of questions from various friends and relations wanting answers that I wasn't sure I was willing to give.  I know, if you put something like that out there, you really do want to talk about it, but I was so unsure what I was doing that I wasn't really prepared to answer them.

Ok, now we have to go back in time a bit.  On this social networking site, I have some friends that I have known for a very long time, 30 years or more in fact.  In looking at one of those old friends pages, I saw some familiar names from times past and that led me to search for some other old ties.  This was a few months before I left my marriage. I found one old flame on there, my first "real" boyfriend, and asked him to add me to his friends list.  He accepted my request and that was that.  Neither of us contacted the other, but occasionally I would see things pop up in my news feed about him.

Life is funny.  I hadn't really thought about this man for a long time.  I would never have forgotten him, he was my "first", but he certainly wasn't on my mind all the time or anything.  I was fourteen at the time we dated, now I am forty four and a lot of water had passed under that bridge.

The day after I changed my marital status on the social networking site, I got an email from him.  The first thing he asked was "Are you ok?".  He asked if there was anything he could do to help and I sent some inane response.  That was the beginning.  I could tell by the things he said and the way he said them that there was still some residual interest, but really, 30 years had past and neither of us was the same person.  We wrote back and forth for a bit (all in the course of day) and decided that instant messaging would be a better way to communicate.  During this initial contact, my friend from across the country and I were talking on the phone and I told him about the conversation.  I told him that it was obvious that this man still had feelings for me but there was no way I was going there.  I hadn't even left my husband at this point, although in my heart, I knew it was done.

A side bar here, the man that I was visiting on the other side of the country is also an old flame, one I dated at sixteen.  We had a summer romance when he came to my home town to visit his sister who was getting married.  Being across the country made it difficult to maintain any kind of romantic relationship but we became very close friends over the years.  He was the one I would drunk dial at 3 am (6 am his time) and every time he would answer and listen to my gibberish and never once did he ask me not to call him.  We had continued this friendship right up until the aforementioned time after I had been married a couple of years.  At first, when I made the decision to leave my husband I wondered if there might be something romantic in the cards for this friend and myself.  He was very good to me and I did find him attractive.  There was something very magnetic about our relationship and I kept thinking about it over and over.  I now realize that I was picking up on the "life" that was coming back to me and it was exhilarating. He actually encouraged me to try and work things out with my husband but told me that he was behind me no matter my choice.  He was also involved in a relationship and wasn't interested in pursuing anything with me, although he was very gentle about that.

Ok, back to the other old flame.  Our instant messaging became a regular thing, for hours on end in fact.  Since he works shift work, sometimes it was during the day while I was at work, other times it was in the evenings.  I work out of town and live in a camp while I am at work so my evenings are pretty much free.  We sat and chatted about all kinds of things.  At first, he kept trying to point me back to my husband, and although he was trying very hard to be neutral, his feelings for me were obvious.  I told him at the beginning to guard his heart because I knew that he still cared very much for me.  What had not occurred to me was the need to guard my own, after all, I was not going there.

Drum roll please. . .

It’s because when you treat them badly, they respond so that you’ll let your guard down and start treating them good and once you start treating them nicely then they act like. . . well like the dogs that men usually are. You see, treating you well is just a tactic to make you think they really care so then they can make you look stupid for believing in the first place that they, actually, care. That’s very manipulative on their part, but there’s a quick fix to this, just treat them badly all the time, then they’ll be on you like white on rice.

Another reason a man might treat a woman nice is if he wants something, say maybe borrow $50 to go out with his friends? He’ll tolerate all of the woman’s meanness because in the end he’ll get something out of it but once he gets what he wants he hangs up the phone on the woman who thinks he cares about her because of all the kindness that he showed her while he wanted something. This is what leaves us baffled and insane. This is how women lose their minds because men love to play games and as a result we’re forced to play as well. I mean, in the end of the day, it is a man’s world, but that doesn’t mean we can’t beat them at their own game, because in the end of the day men are stupid. Strong generalization? I know, but stupid in the sense that they take good things for granted and they can’t be straight up. Instead of manipulating and confusing a woman, just say, I don’t care about you, I just need $50, can I borrow it and I’ll pay you back? I rather someone tell me what they want from me than play with my emotions.

Men waste too much time on things that aren’t worth it, they don’t know how to take a good thing and run with it. They want to play with you, messing with a woman and having her hang around and lament a man makes him feel stronger and treat a woman worse, but when a woman asserts herself and is straight forward, men can’t handle it because they feel that they’re losing control. . .

So, ladies the important thing is to always make sure that the ball is in your court or else you’ll get whacked. . .

I think it’s the latter. We’re constantly asking ourselves, why do we stay in bad relationships? The answer is hope. Why do we tolerate all the bull crap that our partner puts us through? Because we love. It seems so corny, but it’s true and we would be lying to ourselves if we didn’t admit it for at least a second. If nothing is good, if it never seems worth it and we’re giving more of  ourselves than him/her is giving us, why do we stay? Because we’re so in love, involved and hopeful, that we don’t have the courage to admit, that it’s just not working.

It’s not only about the love and hope, there’s also the fear and pain of losing someone that you invested so much in, in hopes that something great and long-term would come out of it. It’s kind of like the stock, we invest in stock hoping that it will build collateral and when it plummets it hurts because you risked so much and in the end get nothing.

But risks are part of life and feelings need to be dealt with. Now, no one is saying to get rid of someone before you feel comfortable doing so, but if someone treats you bad once and twice and three times, most likely they will treat you bad forever, and you don’t want to wait around for forever to have someone consider your feelings. So, analyze your feelings and evaluate your relationship. Is this really what I want? Make a list of what you want and what your partner offers you and take this into consideration. I’m not saying let a list dictate your life, but take that tangible list into consideration versus your intangible feelings when making a decision about staying with your boyfriend/girlfriend or moving on.

These are just tips because I know, trust I know, it’s easier to stay than to go, but then think about the daily pain and then think about the long run, The long run you’ll get over it. The short-term, do you want to hurt everyday?

I mean, think about it, once things go sour, do they ever get sweet again back? Can you eat spoiled fruit; do you want stale, fungi bread? You could eat it, but it wouldn’t taste very good, would it? That’s similar to a relationship, once it leaves a bad feeling, it’ll probably always muster bad feelings.

So don’t rush to break up with someone if you’re not ready but don’t delay either because life is too short!

Kelangan lang talaga ng walang katapusang lakas ng loob, determinasyon, pasensya at higit sa lahat pananampalataya sa Kanya. Kung wala ako ng mga ito, dati na akong sumuko at siguro makita niyo na lang ako sa kalye na naglalakad na walang damit ulirat.

Di ako nagpapaka emo ngayon, blog ko to at isusulat ko ang gusto kong isulat dahil minsan lang naman ako nagsusulat. Di ba? Lol.

These past weeks, months even, I feel like my shoulders are slouching.. dahil sa problema. Ang dami, di ko na maisa-isa. Not only about me, but the family as a whole. Bakit kase may mga lalaking kayang iwanan ang pamilya na sana kanilang pasan. I don't blame anyone.. just asking why? Dahil kahit papano, minsan gusto ko din ng sagot. Oo, may pagkukulang din ako but do I deserve these? If yes, then thank you.

Somehow, bata pa lang ako natuto na akong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa. And thank you ulit dahil ikaw nag turo sa akin nito. Thank you dahil maayos kong pinatakbo ang buhay ko, at ng buhay ng anak mo. Pero ang tagal pa eh, ang tagal tagal pa pakiramdam ko ang tagal pa bago ako tuluyang makapagpahinga. Pag nagiisa ako, ini-imagine ko na pagtanda ko, magawa ko bang maupo na lang sa veranda ng bahay habang nagtsa-tsaa o nagkakape habang nakikinig ng soft music sa umaga at pagmamasdan ang mga halaman sa labas na bahay? O baka naman kahit lola pa ako eh eto pa rin at kumakayod para may makain man lang ako o may gamot ako na maiinom bukas.

Buhay nag-iisa, iniwang mag-isa. Ang hirap talaga. Pero at least feeling ko maganda pa rin ako, di ba?

Meron ba kayong guts na ganyan? Hehehe.. Lakasan lang ng loob yan!

Seriously, lagi kong iniisip na ang taong katulad ko ay may pag-asa kaya life must go on and keep your head up high! :D

Malay natin di ba? Good luck!

You come from a world where two separate souls meet, interact and
move on carrying what you brought in.

For me, there is no 'I'. My love is a seamless merging.
That is why I cannot let go. You are in me.
I have fused myself into togetherness with nothing separate.

Where can you go ?

Now do you comprehend the depth of my pain?
It is the pain of the womb,
As the child is forcibly separated from the mother,
It is a mental tearing off,
limb by limb,
trying to identify
what is yours and
what is mine.

- Srividya Srinivasan

Every gait looks familiar.
Surely that is you ahead ?
I rush ahead in my anxiety to find a stranger’s face.

I walk the ways alone seeking and longing for your company.
Every wayfarer shall bear your name,
every visage your face.
Every voice will sounds like yours .
But no ! It is not to be.
And, as I trudge my way along life’s course,
I make it searching for ye.

- Srividya Srinivasan
October 1998

- Srividya Srinivasan
October 1998

The longer you tarry here,
You will have much to fear,
I’ll cut your wings of freedom,
one a day without your knowledge
And in its place
I shall sew on
deceptively fragile threads of loving bondage,
so strong that they shall hold you fast.

When you finally out of despair decide
to seek distant shores with greener pastures,
There will be no wings to fly,
and no will to try.
And in that bitter-sweet bondage
We shall be bound forever,
Fly away my dearest, before it is too late.

- Srividya Srinivasan
October 1998

Ang sakit kung lisanin ka na niya pagkatapos ng maraming taon ninyong pagsasama.

It was a busy day for me today at work, di pa ako nakatulog ng maayos sa kakabantay sa kanya, di makatulog maya't maya sa kakatingin kung siya ay ok pa o mabuti na ang kalagayan. Pinapakain ng husto, pinapaliguan ng maayos, siya yung aking nakakausap kapag ako'y nalulungkot, nag-iisa. Di niya akong iniwan kahit anong unos ang dumating sa buhay ko. Di naman ako nagkulang sa pag-aalaga, minahal at tinanggap ko siya ng buong buo... Hays.. Pero sadya talagang lahat ng bagay ay may katapusan.

Iniwan ko siya ng pagkain para makakain siya ng wasto kahit di ako makauwi. Pag-uwi ko ng gabi, kaya pala ang sama ng kutob ko. Pagbukas ko ng pinto patay na siya. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig. Sa tagal tagal ko siyang inalagaan, mula pa ng baby siya, hanggang nag ka girlfriend siya binuntis niya girlfriend niya, ako din nag-alaga ng mga babies nila. Ngayon iniwan na niya kami after 3 years..

Inilibing ko si goldfish Nunu ko sa malaking paso sa room ko. Ayoko siyang itapon, nakakaawa naman. Gusto ko siya mabigyan ng proper resting place. Kaya pati yung halaman ko na pinaglibingan niya, magsisilbi na rin pataba. Ayan alam ko mahal mo ako na kahit patay ka na may silbi ka pa rin.

Rest in peace Nunu. Don't worry palalakihin ko rin mga anak mo. Pagnamatay sila, ililibing ko sila katabi mo para lalong tumaba ang lupa ng aking halaman. Bless you!

Ito si Nunu nung binata pa siya.

Don't date because you are desperate.
Don't marry because you are miserable.
Don't have kids because you think your genes are superior.
Don't philander because you think you are irresistible.

Don't associate with people you can't trust.
Don't cheat. Don't lie. Don't pretend.
Don't dictate because you are smarter.
Don't demand because you are stronger.

Don't sleep around because you think you are old enough and know
better.

Don't hurt your kids because loving them is harder.
Don't sell yourself, your family, or your ideals.
Don't stagnate.

Don't regress.
Don't live in the past. Time can't bring anything or anyone back.
Don't put your life on hold for possibly Mr/Ms Right.
Don't throw your life away on absolutely Mr Wrong because your biological clock is ticking.

Learn a new skill.

Find a new friend.
Start a new career.
Sometimes, there is no race to be won. Only a price to be paid for some of life's more hasty decisions.

To terminate your loneliness, reach out to the homeless.
To feed your nurturing instincts, care for the needy.
To fulfill your parenting fantasies, get a puppy.
Don't bring another life into this world for all the wrong reasons.

To make yourself happy, pursue your passions and be the best of what
you can be.
Simplify your life. Take away the clutter.
Get rid of destructive elements: abusive friends, nasty habits, and dangerous liaisons.
Don't abandon your responsibilities but don't overdose on duty.

Don't live life recklessly without thought and feeling for your family.
Be true to yourself.
Don't commit when you are not ready.
Don't keep others waiting needlessly.

Go on that trip. Don't postpone it.
Say those words. Don't let the moment pass.

Do what you have to, even at society's scorn.

Write poetry.
Love Deeply.
Walk barefoot.
Dance with wild abandon.
Cry at the movies.

Take care of yourself. Don't wait for someone to take care of you.
You light up your life.

It is true that life does not get easier with age. It only gets more
challenging.
Don't give up. Don't be afraid. Don't lose your capacity to love.
Pursue your passions.

Live your dreams.
Don't lose faith in God.
Don't grow old. Just grow YOU.

They say, "breaking up with someone you truly love is not the end yet, but it is the beginning of anew." I had swallowed my ego, lost my confidence at first, but not for long.. I stood up, along with Alyssa, we both faced the reality. A reality where we shall finally walk the path of life without her father. It was so surprising that I felt I was a new person in me, siguro talagang matapang lang ako, sanay sa hirap ng buhay. I chose to stay here abroad, for my kid, my family, our future...

Sa tagal tagal ng panahon shempre tao lang, nagka bf din ako dito. We have known each other for 5 years now. I know that I love him and I know he loves me too. Lahat ng wala sa ex bf ko before parang lahat nasa kanya na eh. He is a complete package, special delivery pa. Masarap kaya ma in love, hahaba pa ang life mo dahil active ang sex life. Di va?! Kesa naman ibuburo ko yung sarili ko na parang old maid. Ayoko ko kaya maagnas ang katawan ko ng maaga. There is one thing lang na pinakahihintay ko ngayon, ang yayain niya akong magpakasal. Awww! Ang sakit, di pa napapag-usapan. Yan ang pinakanagpapabagabag sa aking sarili. Di na tayo nagiging bata, and gusto ko lumagay na sa tahimik life ko. Pero bakit parang and tagal ng panahon na yun? Mabait naman ako kay Lord, I've been trying to be the best daughter that i can be... a good (single) mom.. Kelan ba talagaaaa?!

Iniisip ko ano na ang next step na gagawin. Payo nga ni Kuya Ass sorry Kuya Az na ako na mag open ng topic kesa abutin ako ng pag puti ng uwak or should I go ahead with my life and be alone forever with my kid? Hmmm... Feeling ko I want to be alone na lang... for good.

The only thing that I cannot understand is the men's brain. Hik hik.. Mabuksan nga ang utak nitong bf ko at malaman ko kung ano talaga ang laman ng utak ng lalaki niyahahaha!

Eniweys, back to Mr. Right Now.. Alam kong he is doing his best na mapaganda ang future niya, I know he has changed for better and I trust him that he won't disappoint my daughter and that he would take care of her and her future. Dahil alam kong darating ang panahon na susuko din ang katawan ko sa work, kahit di na ako makahanap ng Mr. Right, basta di lang maligaw ng landas ang dalaga ko (katok sa kahoy) feeling ko mission accomplished...
My ex now is married (i dunno if he's "happily married" lol) but, kaligayahan niya ang aking pinagdarasal. Dahil minsan ay naging maligaya din ako sa piling niya... (chaaaar!!!)

Naging Mr. Left ka man sa akin at least now I am happy for you that you have been the Mr. Right of your wife now...

Pero di ako worried, ika nga tama naman ang quiz na na-take ko sa www.blogthings.com

You Don't Need a Man, but You Want One!

You like having a guy in your life, and overall, you prefer not to be single. You won't go out with a guy out of desperation.. you rather be alone. However, when you're single, you do tend to obsess a little over dating. Because no matter how good your single life is, it's better with a great guy around.

Do You Need a Man?

You see? So, life must go on.. with or without him!(belat)

--- Srividya Srinivasan [ 12.11.2005]

Hindi naging madali ang sumunod na mga araw pagkatapos kong manganak. Shempre di niya matustusan ang basic needs namin o let's say sa bata na lang. Tumira pa rin ako sa bahay namin nung nakiusap ang aking mga magulang na dun na lang sa bahay kami ng baby. Si Mark, gaya ng pasya ng mga magulang niya (nasa UAE that time) ay nagpatuloy ng kanyang pag-aaral samantalang naging pasya ko na mag stay sa bahay at alagaan ang baby ko. Pagkatapos ng tatlong buwan medyo kapos na talaga kami at kelangan kong maghanap ng trabaho para may pambili ng gatas (siya nagaaral pa rin may monthly allowance galing sa magulang niya). Hangga't sa nakahanap ako ng work na ang suweldo ay husto lang pambili ng gatas. Tiniis ko pa rin dahil nakakahiya na sa mga magulang ko. Pinatuloy kong magtrabaho at siya naman sa halip na magaral ng maigi ang inatupag ay ang barkada, sabong, inom etc.. "I never blamed anyone, i never blamed myself nor Mark, I never blamed the Lord.." Instead, i raised my head up, telling myself that sooner everything is going to be right.

Dumating ang mga magulang niya para magbakasyon, nalaman ang sitwayon namin at nag offer ng trabaho dito abroad. Pumayag ako, para sa anak ko, para sa mga kapatid ko (4 of them i'm the eldest) na malapit na mag college, para sa mga magulang ko na nadisappoint sa akin. I wanna show them na kahit i fell once, i still want to run and catch up with the world, prove them that their disappointment in me won't be forever, that i want to start proving it despite of my being so young. Sa una ayaw nilang pumayag shempre they want me to pursue my college degree but i chose to work (bakas na sa mukha ng mga magulang ko ang kahirapan... gusto kong makatulong sa kanila. di nila alam na ang paghihirap nila ay doble ang hirap na nararamdaman ko because i love them so much, more than my life.)

Mark and I came here abroad together, to work. After three months, I saw him went out of the room of my flatmate at 9:00 in the morning, kagigising lang. Shit! Di ako nakagalaw sa harap ng pintuan ng room ko, and so is he. After a few seconds nagising ulit diwa ko, pumasok ako sa room where they slept, and there nakita ko ang babae, naka lungerie pa. Putang ina nila. Grabe para akong binuhusan ng malamin na tubig, nandilim ang piningin ko and sumunod nun di ko na alam basta ang naalala ko i was weeping the whole day in my room...

I never told anyone in my family especially my parents kung ano ang nangyari, kung ano ang nagawa ni Mark. Ayokong masaktan na naman sila. I'd rather bear the pain alone. It's me.. Life must go on... Di tumagal umuwi rin siya ng pinas, then came back not only to this place but came back to me. Tinanggap ko siya, hoping that everything is going to work out, ika nga "love is lovelier the second time around." lol I guess i "was" a martyr. What he did the first time happened again, and third and finally the fourth time. Sinabi sa akin ng mama na ako na raw ang pinakamartyr na babae na nakilala niya lol. She meant that i should leave her son and go on, start a new life.. I did and so as her son.. Ang hirap makatulog sa gabi, ang hirap ding bumangon sa umaga. I wish i had a friend to talk to, a family to lean on pero wala. Bago lang kase sa abroad. All i did was talk to God and He never failed to listen.

After 4 years they migrated to Canada, i was left alone. Dito pa rin ako sa abroad while my baby is back home. Alyssa and I was left alone...