I'm afraid I'd have to disagree with that. There is in fact another mammal with an average speed that covers only half of that distance in at least twice the time - and I actually have one living under my very own roof. What on earth can this sluggish creature be I hear you cry? A 7 year old child of course.

Why children slow down so much by the time they reach this age remains a mystery to many. It's almost as if they start to slowly wind down as they creep closer to puberty, a biological necessity perhaps, to prepare them for the many years of hibernation that lay ahead under a festering duvet.

By the time they are 7, their ears have all but sealed over and their sense of speed has as good as vanished. Their every action is carried out in slow motion and even the simplest of tasks can be simply too painful to behold. They move at a speed that makes a snail look positively hoon-like and they make watching paint dry seem like an extreme sport.

Of course it wasn't always this way. As toddlers they took both hands, a set of reins and a series of complicated adult proof baby gates to keep them from running at breakneck speed into, over and under everything in sight. You spent your every waking minute telling them to slow down, get down and lie down.  Then the years passed and they stretched and grew. All of a sudden the only part of them that ever really picks up any momentum is their jaw, as they fight to always try and get the last word in.

Take my daughter for example. When told to go to bed it can take her a good 10 minutes to cross a totally unobstructed room, with that time being broken down roughly as follows:

At least a minute to hear and register what I have said. Another to find her feet under the cushions. A couple more spent stroking the dog on her way off the chair. A pit stop at the window to study and comment on a ball that she has suddenly spotted in the garden. A few more spent tidying up her pencil pot on the table. Another minute to clean up the contents of her pencil sharpener, which were 'accidentally' spilled on the floor, and then the last few minutes spent popping her head back around the corner of the door like a meerkat cat, while she desperately thinks of something to say that might delay the inevitable for a little longer.

In fact any activities involving my daughter (who has less urgency about her than a squirrel in winter) seem to take at least 5 times longer than they should. Brushing her teeth for example. 35 minutes it took one day. Why so long to flick a toothbrush over her gum's, spread toothpaste around the entire basin and drip water all the way back across the floor? Well that would be because she had decided to clean and polish the soap dish and bath with her towel.

Yet to give credit where credit is due, quite bizarrely on other days she takes it upon herself to get up and dressed, feed herself breakfast and bring in the washing off the line (she said she saw a dark cloud moving our way), and all before my alarm clock has even drawn it's first breath.

If only she could harness the energy she reserves for the playground and use it for everyday chores, maybe then we wouldn't have to race down the road every morning with toast crumbs flying, or reach the end of another day with a monumental battle of wills and the sound of small feet stomping away from the dinner table in silent protest.

Undoubtedly the worst part about having your child turn into a sloth is that it automatically turns you, the parent into a parrot. You find yourself repeating everything you say at least half a dozen times, nagging becomes an art form and by the time you get to the end of the day even you are sick of hearing yourself saying 'Come on', 'Hurry up' and 'How long can it take to put on a pair of shoes?'

Every night when I look at her sleeping in her bed, peaceful, angelic and for the first time that day, quiet, it makes me stop and think. I tell myself that the next day I will try to remain patient and relaxed, I will refrain from repeating myself and stop myself from expecting the impossible to happen.

Then the morning comes and 10 minutes after getting her out of bed I find her still sat on her bedroom floor in her pj's, carefully rearranging her Polly Pocket collection while her cereal sits untouched in the other room, fast losing all of its snap, crackle and pop.  As the school siren goes my calm dissolves, my eyebrows raise and my inner parrot is once again firmly back in control.

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You can't have the kiddies tempted by that big greasy burger anymore.

Its weird, I think back and there probably were more ads when I was young, a happy meal was like $3.95 flat and you could still buy a 30 cent cone, yet its the kids whose parents are paying $5 per happy meal and a dollar for a cone that are getting fat. Money must not be an issue in regards to obesity?

Eh, it isn't about advertising really. It is about parents or whoever looks after the kids most habits. If they are going to opt for the fast precooked burger and chips from maccas over making a meal at home because it is easier and faster, obviously they will get fat. Just watch one of those nutrion shows where the lady goes in and puts everything the family eats on a table and they are usually eating it because its what they see as 'cheaper and easier'.

Now, I'm a student and work part time and boy, I make my meals every night because it is cheaper and healthier than me going out every night and buying pizza or a burger. I'm not saying I don't eat that, nor am I saying it is wrong to indulge but it is all about habits and quantity.

I think its because of who I live with that has gotten me all health wise these days, but I know my parents used to try and make me eat vegetables (which I now do with great enjoyment ha).

Like it or not, the fast food industry provides jobs for a lot of Australians, be young, old, disabled or what it is providing to the economy as well. Mcdonald's jobs have one of the best reputations for people wanting to get into management, as a starting point because of their training.

I personally have never worked at a 'fast food' in the grill them way outlet persay (sushi yes) but have many friends who have and it has proved well for them.

I guess in the end if parents want their kids not to fall into the trap of obesity they need to take some initiative and promote healthy habits. Its not that hard to go to the park, play sport (you also get to meet other kids, something you don't quite get with your ps3 - no that mindless talk on your game doesn't count) and make a nice, healthy meal:)

This sort of became disconnected and stupid in the end, but I really don't care. I know what I am talking about and that is all that matters at this point I guess. ha!

I'm actually looking forward to Today Tonight tonight as they have a story on 'undercover' people ('geeks' as you will see if you watch the segment) who ring up and 'dob' on people when they see illegal hooning etc. I think it will be interesting, not a very reliable source but it always makes me laugh at the silly things they do to twist and change the truth.

Actually, an undercover hoon story was on the other night on A Current Affair (yes, I really do love the hard hitting stories) and it was funny how stupid these people they are. Now, I don't know how doctored the footage is (by that I mean, to what extent they have phased in, changed wording etc) but one guy did say that they didn't care if they hurt someone because they would get over it. It is weird how inconsiderate some people are. But I guess I am bias because a hoon killed my dog...

Oh well, that is all I have to rant about today I think anyways.

Toorah

Police are catching more female drivers pushing the limits in hotted-up sedans, sports cars and hatchbacks.

Experts say urgent research is needed to tackle the phenomenon.

At least 73 women have lost their cars to impoundment yards so far this year - about 10 a month.

That takes to 141 the number of female hoons caught since July 2006 when police confiscation powers came into force.

While women account for just 2.5 per cent of all hoon drivers, their numbers are on the rise. Girls as young as 16 are among those who have been caught smashing the speed limit, doing burn-outs and leading police on dangerous pursuits. (news)

The animals, gathered in their hundreds in the grounds of Morisset Hospital, near Newcastle in NSW, had been savagely set upon.

Hospital staff said dozens of kangaroos had been killed in attacks during the past few months, including one at the weekend. Yesterday animal welfare activists urged the culprits to "stop the slaughter".

In this most recent savaging, hospital staff witnessed a 4WD being driven recklessly into packs of kangaroos, killing at least eight, and injuring several others.

A week earlier, five adult kangaroos were run over and killed, leaving three joeys orphaned.

Police said the number plate on the vehicle had been concealed. (news)

A Hoon is basically anyone who drives a vehicle dangerously fast, or just acts like a complete and utter nutter on the road.

Generally speaking they are still young enough not to be in possession of a fully developed or functioning brain, but old enough to have potentially stolen the car they are driving. They think that doing burnouts, donuts or fishtails in a confined space is hilarious, and that leaving a set of tyre prints down the entire length of the road will mean that they have proved themselves to be clever, cool and hung like the proverbial donkey.

Their cars often look like something from The Fast and The Furious, and like magpies, they are attracted to big shiny wheels and over sized spoilers. Luckily for other drivers on the road who want to give them a very wide berth, these hoons often like to have advertise their illegal hobby of choice with carefully chosen number number plates, like BANNED or IM A TWAT.

Of course you can normally hear them coming a good 10 minutes before you see them, either from the deafening music that they think everyone else wants to hear, or from the screeching tyres as they leave the traffic lights.

There's not a lot that you can do when they are keeping you awake at 3am, while drag racing through your neighbourhood, but since the state government in WA introduced Anti-Hoon Legislation in 2004, they are at least targeted by the police and any caught (which does actually happen quite a lot) will have their vehicle impounded for 48 hours.

Of course an air riffle would also be fairly effective in eradicating the problem, but apparently using a gun on an annoying boy racer is also considered to be breaking the law... pity.

Here

Here in sunny old WA they have a zero tolerance for both speeding and drink driving. Apparently some of the hoons on the roads haven't yet been told about this, but for everyone else it's pretty common knowledge.

When used to nipping down the M4 at 110mph and still have some w****r in a BMW overtake you on the outside lane, when you first arrive in Perth, you will need to keep your foot off the accelerator and and one eye focused on the speedometer at all times.

Speed limits here can seem incredibly slow, particularly when you are late for work, stuck in school run traffic or missing your favourite TV show. When the roads are twice as wide and devoid of any other motorists, it's even more frustrating. Top speeds on the freeway are set at 100kph. And yes, that would be kilometres and not miles per hour. For those, who like me never mastered beyond their 5 times table, that is only 62mph. Most suburban roads are set at 50kph (31mph) and around "School Zones" at drop off and pick up times it goes down to 40kph (23mph). I personally didn't know that it was possible to go that slow without actually reversing, but there you go, I've tried it and it can be done.

After you've been here a while you do stop worrying quite so much about speeding, though perhaps those 2 tickets that I have already accumulated are testament to why that's probably not wise. Unlike the UK, where by law they have to put out those ever so helpful warning signs before they catch you, here, the police just seem to loiter behind bushes on their 'I have a shiny blue badge' power trip with their hand held zappers in tow.

The other thing to be wary of when hitting the road are the infamous Booze Buses. Now here's a sight to make your heart sink down to the clutch and your hives start breaking out, and that's just when you're stone cold sober. A single policeman pulling your car over to the side of the road can make you feel as guilty as sin, the sight of 20 cars laying in wait is enough to make even a tee total nun reach for her rosary.

These booze buses can be laid on for your entertainment anywhere and at any time, be it 7pm on a Monday night or 9am on a Sunday morning. Red and blue flashing lights will bring you round from your driving induced stupor (the one where you can travel for an hour and still not recall any part of the journey). The outside lane will be cordoned off and every car will be squeezed through the inside lane and into the holding zone. As you puff into their magic little 'DRUNK as a skunk / Has no social life SOBER' box, you will try and recall every drop of alcohol that has touched your lips in the past week, while desperately trying to look both nonchalant and innocent. If you're unlucky enough to be so much as 0.05 over the limit you will be kept there and retested later. The real alcoho's will be taken onto the bus to wait it out. Whether they have comfy seats and Fox Tel on board I neither know or particularly wish to find out.

Most people do tend to drink at home here, as pubs don't outnumber houses, as they do in some parts of the UK. But if you're out and about, keep an ear open for speed camera sitings on the radio, or to be safer still, it's probably better to just drive like a sloth and give up your Becks and Bacardi Breezers all together...

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He admitted that his action was inexcusable and said that his 'brain snapped.' Later media reports claimed that his break-up with his girlfriend might have triggered his 'snapping episode.' The 'brain snap' reason was apparently picked-up by some Aussies that one motorcycle hoon who clocked 150 km/h in a 100 km/h freeway actually gave police officers that reason for his action.

One news that everybody's brain might snap legitimately, I suppose, is the news on the impending worldwide food crisis. Australia has the highest food prices in developed countries but while a food riot is still remote, one country that a food riot is feared (or is it just rumor mongerers??) is back home--in the Philippines. However, despite the high rice and bread prices people still find reasons to smile and avoid their brains snapping. :)

The other night, while driving Tiggy back from her Yia Yia's, I was tailgated through bends at Beverly Hills by a hoon in a Lancer whose headlights disappeared into my bumper in the rearview mirror. Thumping hip hop clattered from his car, the bass frying up his cheap subwoofers. I take a dim view of tailgaters, and greatly enjoy doing less than the legal speed - much, much less - if someone tries to commit sodomy with my exhaust. So I slowed right up, and gave him some brake light semaphore. That backed him off a little, but he was right back at it after a second. And then he tried to overtake me on the left while on the single lane road we were travelling.

Suffice to say that after we turned onto another street, he burnt me off for the three lane street racing pleasures of King Georges Road, but I had seriously considered stopping the car in the middle of the bends, getting out and telling him that there was a child in my car, and unless he took more care, he wouldn't be able to have any.

Good thing I didn't, but it still made me really mad. When Tiggy was smaller, I used to laugh at those 'baby on board' stickers that some people put on their cars - because all life should be respected, right? - but in situations like that, I wished I had one and that the other driver took more care as a result (not that he wouldn't have been able to see the child car seat through the rear window).

Melbourne, Australia

It’s a hot morning in Melbourne, which is nothing unusual, actually.  Brisbane tends to be even hotter, but forty degree days haven’t been uncommon lately, and that’s 104 where I come from.

I’m staying with my old friend Liz Frencham and her very cool beau Steve.  Liz and I played a small festival near here on Sunday and will be meeting up again at Canberra for the National Folk Festival in a few days. I’ve played the National (or the Nash, as it’s often referred to here) once before, about six years ago, and I’m really looking forward to being back there. 

Vocabulary tips for the day:  ‘firing up the barbie’ has nothing to do with dismissing a blonde from her employment, but rather means grilling out on the barbecue. That’s what we did last night, with Vincent, another muzo friend of Liz and Steve’s, then we pulled a mattress and TV out into the yard, as it was just too hot inside, and watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind under the stars. I liked it, by the way. I can’t believe I managed not to see it until now, but it was worth a rental.

“Bang on” means perfect, not instructions on how to play a Billy Jonas song. “Hoon” can be a noun or a verb, and generally refers to young guys who drive loud cars too fast (though I guess old women could hoon if they want to).  So hoons hoon around. Vincent actually said he hooned down here on his motorcycle yesterday and got here faster than usual. I thought this might have descended etymologically from Huns, i.e. marauding ruffians razing villages, but I think it’s more onomatopoeic than that, and actually just refers to the sound the cars make.

The delivery truck dropped off Liz’s new CD of duets yesterday (think she looks happy?), so last night was a bit of a celebration. I’m here for two more days this week before we’ll all head up to the Nash, and we’re hoping to record a duet for the next volume sometime in here. I’ll let you know when we get it together and try to make it available on my web site.

In the meantime, stay cool, as it were.  It’s hard to believe I was in North Dakota two weeks ago…

I can't stop baiting morons on YouTube.  I know I should be a better human about it but they're soooooo stupid and it's sooooo easy to rip on them.  I've been having a funny experience over the last few days on YouTube since they featured one of my videos on the Australian home page.

It's actually the video I posted earlier in the week where I expressed my amusement at the proposal to crush cars belonging to hoons.  Now that it's being exposed to a larger audience all the sad acts who define themselves according to their penis-compensating cars are coming out of the woodwork.

And so I taunt them.  I keep saying to myself "just one more, then I'll quit".  And then I've done it twenty times without realising it.  Ah well, I'm planning to set up a support group for fellow sufferers,  Maybe I'll find the cure one day.