Berry is the definition of a "man of letters" in my opinion and can write in a way that I don't think all of the teaching in the world could lead most of us to. He is a poet, a novelist, an essayist, and man of ideas that I love. He seems to be able to write as ably about sustainable agriculture as he does about the memories of a simple life, as in Jayber Crow.

But the reason I bring him up now is a quote of his that I read from a 2006 interview with him just today:

"Once you confess to yourself that you need other people, then you’re in a position to look around your neighborhood and see how neighborly it is, starting with how neighborly you are yourself."

The line is so rich, laden with the bare truths of life that many of us never take the time to learn.

When I read it, it made me think of some things that Dawn and I talked about today -- things that come up when you find yourself in a situation like this. You talk about (not) taking things for granted, about accepting, living in the moment, you talk about how no matter what happens next all you can do is do the best you can and live on. And sometimes, you talk about your fears, and words that can sound disheartening to an outsider crop up. Words like "nightmare" and "unfair."

The thing is, if cancer has taught me a damn thing, it's taught me about all of the good that keeps going on in the world all around you, whether a crucial part of it is falling down flat or not. And though we've only lived in our new house for two months, our nearby neighbors have proven themselves yet another example of how one's community sort of swells up around you in times of need. Several of our real-life neighbors have proven decent, helpful, friendly people that are nice to have around, but a few of them stand out above the rest.

Gene

Gene has lived in the house two doors down toward the bay for fifty some years. He's retired and in his own words likes to have things to keep him busy. One day, after we'd lived here for only a couple of weeks I drove into our driveway and noticed Gene in our backyard. My first thought was, of course, "Oh no, we've got one of those neighbors." Such a cynic. It turns out, Gene had told Dawn the night before that he'd be over (totally unsolicited) the next day to pack up all the yard debris we created in trying to clear up our rather ragged back yard. He trimmed everything down, packed it up in his van, and hauled it off to the city station for yard waste. He's been doing stuff like that ever since.

Lydia

Lydia is a breast cancer survivor that lives across the street and one house over from us in one of the nicest little houses on our street. She has been welcoming since the day we closed on the house and showed up to have a look around. Since I have been sick she has had us over for a night of games, cooked us food, brought us things to plant, and is always there with a kind word and a smile. She's also one of three neighbors that have let us take showers in their homes -- since we've never ever had one of our own in this house!

John

John is one of these people that shows up in your life one day and it feels as though he's been there all along -- perhaps living far off for a time, but always there. It's kind of strange how well we get along with John, a single freshly retired (old hippy, I guess you'd say) guy. He has a tremendous sense of humor, and has never hesitated to make us welcome in his home, cooking us dinner, making us food and bringing it over, even giving me a couple of rides to the doctor since I went back into treatment.

Maybe I shouldn't have singled out three specific neighbors the way I did, but I wanted to be sure to thank them for the kinds of friends they have been to Dawn and me in the last two months, and especially in the last three weeks or so.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'd also like to take this opportunity to thank my sister-in-law Cara for the kind entry she posted on her blog that included some very nice things about me. It was also the subject of some discussion today, and made me feel very good.

While on the other hand, its becoming more and more apparent that the natural health community is able to cure most types of cancer when they are in their beginning stages through simple changes in the persons lifestyle. Western practitioners are publishing articles about the affects of nutrition on cancer. I am too young to 'need' to get mammograms yet but I worry about my mother and grandmother. There exposure to radiation while getting the mammogram is enough to concern me. Any exposure to x-rays leaves me a little tired (I used to work at a vet office and although we had to wear a full lead apron, neck protector and gloves I would leave work completely exhausted if I had multiple x-ray procedures in a single day). My husband was always so concerned about me, I could barely move off the couch when I got home. I could feel the health affects and I had protection on. These poor women are having their breasts irradiated yearly to make sure that no cancer is present, but what is the radiation doing? It has been proven that radiation alters cells (creating free radicals), and what is cancer?

I may decide to write more on this topic later as it is a topic that seriously bothers me. The more I read, the more upset I get about it. This is a cause that I really believed in but now that the layers are being pealed away I have lost all respect for the whole process. If you are interested in reading more I encourage you to do your own research. I have also attached some articles below. The only way women (or anyone) are truly going to protect themselves from getting cancer is by educating themselves and taking their person nutrition seriously. These article are not listed in any particular order and are all from Natural News or the Organic Consumers Association. I have only listed a few. If you are interested in reading more, go to either web site and search breast cancer.

Be Well.

Dr. Crescence Allen Reveals Why She Chose Alternative Breast Cancer Treatments

Breast Cancer Deception

Low Vitamin D Levels Raise Breast Cancer Death Risk by 75 Percent

Cosmetics, Parabens, and Breast Cancer

小児がんの一種で、治療が難しい神経芽腫の原因遺伝子を東大医学部の研究グループが発見した。この遺伝子がつくる酵素の働きを抑えることで、新たな治療法の開発が期待できるという。１６日付の英科学誌「ネイチャー」（電子版）に発表した。
神経芽腫は４歳以下の患者が９割を占める乳幼児疾患。国内で年間約１０００人が発症し、患者の約３割は治療が難しい。２４年前に関連遺伝子が見つかったが、有効な治療法の開発には結びついていない。

記事によると、神経芽腫の原因遺伝子がつくる酵素が異常に活性化しており、この酵素の働きを阻害することで、治療が難しい患者の約3割で症状の改善が期待できるそうです。

有効な治療法が見つかるといいですね。

人気ブログランキングへ

Something about being home this time was very different. It must have had something to do with my Godmother's husband who was recently diagnosed with stage III throat cancer. He's been going through chemo, so his neck has completely ballooned. The cancer presses on his vocal chords so he goes mute occassionally, and when he isn't he speaks in the most haunting whisper. Yesterday I watched as the men pointed to their own necks and asked him how it felt. It was a quiet, serious, conversation, four of them around plates of cake and a vase of flowers, all nodding their heads dumbly, almost humiliated by their own health.

Everyone is hugging harder lately.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world.

Mahatma Gandhi

A little over a year ago my younger sister was diagnosed with breast cancer.  A mastectomy was followed by a long course of chemotherapy and then radiation. I decided to knit her a shawl that she could wrap around herself the way my arms would if I were there to comfort and support her.

The first thing I did was look for the "right" yarn, which I now know was naive. The yarn had to have the correct colors, weight, and texture. I found two that I was going to narrow down to one. Then it hit me. Content. Fiber content.

Did I really want to give my sister a shawl made from heaven knows what chemicals? Wasn't her chemotherapy enough exposure to chemicals for a lifetime? Thus began my research into and sole use of organic yarns or yarns made of natural fibers. What I learned about how yarns are made and dyed changed me as a knitter. It also changed how and why I choose a particular yarn for my projects.

I won't bore you with too many details. The short of it: Chemicals play a large role in the manufacture of yarn. A much larger role than I had ever imagined. They even play a role in yarns made of all natural fibers. And unless the organic yarn is grown in a particular color (organic cotton yarns come to mind here) their "organic" status can be lost the minute the yarn hits the dye vat. If you want true organic yarn, it has to be organic from start to finish. Vegan dyes, natural dyes and dye procedures keep an organic yarn organic. (I am not going to start on mordants, though a yarn company's use of and type of mordant does make a difference to me in selecting or not selecting a yarn.)

I very much believe in "going green". I make my buying power agree with my sentiments. I buy yarn from companies that have small environmental footprints.

Next time you're looking for yarn give one of the environmentally friendly ones a try.

The service today was very nicely done.  Joanne was a devout Catholic so there was a full mass.  I didn't understand a lot of the things they did so I whispered to my hubby who of course couldn't remember either!  While I was sitting there I thought about Jesus and the party he was having in heaven.  You know, our Daddy just wants to have relationship with us...he longs for it.  He had a deep relationship with Joanne, so I know they must be having a full fledged blowout up there!  I imagined Him holding the door as she strolled towards the gates as if to say "Welcome...I have been excitedly expecting your arrival.  Please come in, we are having a banquet in your honor." 

We as humans try to muck it up.  We try to make it so difficult.  It really is easy...just love Him.  We just need to be His friend.  We need to talk to Him.  We need to listen as He talks to us.  We need to learn His still quiet voice.  It's simple and we need to keep it simple.  Read His Word, let it settle in our hearts, talk to Him about what we hear and lean on Him whenever we have troubles or need redirection onto His path.

I am glad to know that Joanne is with her heavenly Father, and I anticipate seeing her again when it will be my turn to return home for my banquet! 

Until next time...

as the former step mom of a hot dog loving little guy, these eye openers on cancer, school lunches, and processed meats are worth mention:

Cancer Organization Wants Hot Dogs Out of Houston Schools

Here's Why

i will be interested to see how this one plays out. 

a while ago i wrote my council member requesting a transfat ban from all restaurants in our area.  i never got a response.

I have a fear of cancer - breastcancer in particular. I´m not afraid of losing a breast, or two, but the fact that so many women get diagnosed with breastcancer is frightening. I´ve never really understood that fear - losing a breast. Yes, breasts are a part of me, of who I am, of how I feel and a part of my sexuality. But seriously, I would rather lose a breast than my hair due to chemo.

Anyways, women out there - examine yourselves.

According to the National Cancer Institute/National Institutes of Health (2001a,b), fibrocystic breast disease (FBD) is a common condition that affects many women at some time in their lives. FBD is most common between the ages of 30 and 50 (AMA 1989), but younger women as well as menopausal women taking hormone replacement therapy (HRT) may also experience FBD (Imaginis 2000). More recently, some physicians have preferred to call FBD, fibrocystic breast "condition" or "change" (FBC).

The symptoms of FBD can vary significantly. Some women experience severe breast tenderness and pain with multiple lumps in both breasts. Other women have only mild tenderness with no detectable lumps. In some women the symptoms are relatively constant, while in others the symptoms come and go either monthly or over several months. According to the National Cancer Institute (2001a), the chances of developing FBD are greater in women who have never had children, women who have irregular menstrual cycles, or women who have a family history of FBD or breast cancer.

FBD is a condition generally characterized by lumps that move freely in the breast tissue and vary in texture and size (Lark 1996). However, because the clinical signs of breast cancer are not easily distinguished from benign breast conditions, all breast lumps should be examined by a physician and not be assumed to be benign. Only a physician can determine the nature of breast lumps or changes (National Cancer Institute 2001a).

Because FBD is a benign condition, it usually does not lead to breast cancer (American Cancer Society 1991, 1997; National Cancer Institute 2001b). Fortunately, only about 5% of FBD cases involve the type of changes that would be considered a risk factor for developing breast cancer. However, benign conditions may eventually result in calcifications (Anon. 1998). Calcifications are quite small--sometimes as small as a grain of salt--and cannot be detected during a routine exam; however, calcifications may be detected by routine mammography. Since calcifications may be associated with some types of pre-malignant lesions, it is important to follow your physician's recommendations concerning the frequency of mammography (AMA 1989).

The doctor told me to cut down on my caffeine and this would probably help. Sounded like a simple prescription  for such a traumatic sounding disease. For those of you who haven't had a mammogram in awhile, take this opportunity to make your appointment now! This could just as easily have been "breast cancer".

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Tests on leading brands of bottled water turned up a variety of contaminants, including cancer-linked chemicals three times higher than California's health standard, according to a study released Wednesday by an environmental advocacy group.

The findings challenge the popular impression — and marketing pitch — that bottled water is purer than tap water, the researchers say.

However, all the brands met federal health standards for drinking water. And most of the detected contaminants are common in tap water, too.

Lab tests detected 38 chemicals in 10 brands, with an average of eight contaminants found in each kind of bottled water. Tests showed coliform bacteria, caffeine, the pain reliever acetaminophen, fertilizer, solvents, plastic-making chemicals and the radioactive element strontium.

The two-year study was done by the Washington-based Environmental Working Group, an organization founded by scientists that advocates stricter regulation. It bought bottled water in California, North Carolina, Virginia, Maryland and Delaware....

• USA Today did a series called "Sharing in the USA," examining how Americans give. The articles cover how philanthropy has evolved over the years, how celebrities give, and how the economy is affecting our contributions. You can access the stories here.

• The Auxiliary Board of Bear Necessities Pediatric Cancer Foundation is hosting their "Okto-bear-fest" this Friday, October 17th at Sedgwick's Bar and Grill (1935 N. Sedgwick). The cost of the event is $30 and includes domestic beers, wines, and call drinks, and it will last from 6-9p. For more information on Bear Necessities, click here!

• Tomorrow, October 16th, the Junior Board of Girls on the Run will host a wine tasting at Lush Wine and Spirits (1257 S. Halsted). The event costs $30, and covers three hours of wine tasting. Girls on the Run is provides programs for girls between the ages of 8-13 years. The programs combine training for a 3.1 mile running event with self-esteem enhancing, uplifting workouts. For more information, visit www.gotrchicago.org!

The best tip I ever did receive was to "live life" from a fine young 20 something. Let the chips fall were they may. But with this tip she said to be careful, no radical stuff like jumping out of planes. Just the opposite in fact, to keep a slow and steady course, not to deviate to much from your plan of action, don't play superhero and do too much at one time. I can't do anything about cancer, but I can surely live the fullest life possible with in my set physical, emotional and spiritual boundaries.

Su sonrisa y su voz alegran a cualquiera, pensé yo. Poca gente tiene tanto ánimo al encontrarse en una sesión de quimioterapia, lo único que la provoca son unos leves estornudos que subsana con un caramelo en la boca.

Mientras ve la tele cuenta a su compañera de terapia una pequeña parte de su vida. La mayor de seis hermanos, un padre alcohólico que maltrataba a su madre pero al que nunca guardó rencor ni odio debido a que cuando no estaba borracho era una grandísima persona, según ella y una madre que siempre cuidó de ella y de los suyos.

Ella fue la única que supo enfrentarse a su padre para que dejara de maltratar a su madre, ella pudo con él y no volvió a tocarla. Eso contaba con un aire melancólico, pero con fuerza y una sonrisa en la boca al mismo tiempo que se alegraba al ver en la tele que el profesor Neira salía del coma después de muchos días ingresado.

Con un gorro de lana en la cabeza, sin ningún tipo de vergüenza por su falta de cabello, la mujer reía y decía que a ella le gustaba estar igual que un hijo suyo, "calvito".

Una mujer con fuerza, que acabó su última sesión de quimio despidiéndose de aquellas personas que se encontraban en la misma sala y deseándoles toda la suerte del mundo y mucha salud para el futuro. Muchas gracias por ser así.

Esta es la primera microhistoria que escribo, es un hecho real, seguro que más de una persona tiene esta misma historia, una vida muy dura, superación, fuerza y sobre todo alegría, una pequeña lección para ser feliz y no caer en la amargura.

din cabinet iese o doamna in varsta, pe care nora o asteapta de partea asta a usii. e triumfatoare si ii arata semnul de ok celeilalte. radiaza toata, nu seamana deloc cu femeia care intrase, ingrijorata si apasata, inauntru. o ia de brat pe nora si ies galagioase, spargand linistea trista din anticamera. zambesc. you win some, you loose some.

I have had loads and loads of "treatment" (or is it "treatments?" I don't know). I have had surgery, chemotherapy, and, most recently, radiation. Each of these treatments (do you hate the word as much as I now do, having read it so many times?) has been an attack on my body--first the slicing and removal of part of my body, an emotionally laden and physically obvious part; then the injection via IV of poisonous chemicals that not only killed roaming cancer cells (we hope) but all other fast-growing cells, wreaking havoc on my nails, hair, and skin; and now the deliberate irradiation of my chest, all the way to my lungs--an act that has a known carcinogenic effect! Treatment is a euphemism, it seems, for partial destruction of a self. And not just the physical self.

I have struggled with my identity. I look in the mirror and don't recognize the person there--she's scarred, noticeably older (much more so than the 11 months I've aged since I found THE LUMP), and gray. What hair has grown in is short and incredibly curly--something I always dreamed of, especially in the 80s when Big Hair was In--but now I can see why people with curly hair hate it. I've had my hair colored (in as natural a process as is available on the market these days) twice and still, I don't know who that person is. She looks kind of butch, and kind of like a housewife who has let herself go. Never mind the other changes that have their effects on my identity: a move up the east coast from FL to NC; being away from the work I've done all of my adult life; no longer being able to take for granted my once uncommonly excellent health.

But recently a couple of comments have jarred me and made me really think. The first was at my July reconstruction surgery, when the anesthesia nurse was going over my records. My father in law was with me, and was sure to inform the nurse of my horrific allergic reaction back in April. The nurse commented on how rare Stevens Johnson syndrome was, and I joked, "yeah, the doctor said I was one in a million." He replied: "and 1 in 5 million that you're still with us." I knew it was pretty serious when it happened, but I had never had anyone say that to me in such a concrete, matter of fact way. In fact, no one has been willing to give me any concrete numbers, odds, or prognosis, except my "impressively high" odds of recurrence. It's hard to swallow.

Then yesterday, I mentioned in an email to my first grader's teacher that I'd like to volunteer at the school as soon as my radiation treatment is finished; she replied that she was shocked to hear that I've been in treatment (there's the ugly word again, twice), because I always seem so happy and fresh. That was the good kind of unexpected comment. And I realized that, well, I appear that way because I am happy, at least in part--I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to breathe this beautiful autumn air and to be able to have an active role in my children's lives and education once again. For some time I'd been bogged down in a nasty fog of depression when we uprooted our lives from Tampa, where we'd lived for more than twice as long as anywhere else I've lived since finishing school. Moving to a new city and dealing with the guilt and anxiety of putting children in a strange new school, as well as the overwhelming prospect of yet more treatment when I thought I was done, had really knocked me down.

But I realize also that things are never really what they seem, and though I look at myself and see a worn out old hag, someone else sees a healthy, happy spirit. I'm going to hold on to that for now. Instead of wishing I could get my old self back, maybe I can learn to live happily with all the changes I've experienced--the good and those that seem bad.

You have until Sunday, the 19th, to take advantage of these deals. With the seasons changing and our (Chicago) sports teams in disarray, who couldn't use a relaxing massage??? Exactly. Enjoy!

-kb

"El paciente pasará el postoperatorio en la unidad de Medicina Intensiva. Actualmente se encuentra consciente y su situación es estable, aunque no podrá recibir visitas en los próximos días hasta que esté recuperado del proceso quirúrgico", se explica en el comunicado.

La intervención, programada para la resección del tumor cerebral detectado, ha sido dirigida por el jefe de neurocirugía del mencionado hospital, Alberto Isla. Se inició a las nueve de la mañana del martes y concluyó 12 horas después "sin complicaciones", según el parte.

En estos momentos, Ballesteros se encuentra en el postoperatorio. El próximo parte médico se ofrecerá cuando el paciente pase a planta, que será previsiblemente la próxima semana.

Ballesteros, el mejor golfista español de la historia, confirmó el pasado domingo en un comunicado que padece un "tumor cerebral", diagnosticado después de un "chequeo exhaustivo" realizado en el hospital La Paz de Madrid.

El exjugador cántabro de 51 años expresó: "Durante toda mi carrera he sido uno de los mejores salvando obstáculos en los campos de golf. Y ahora quiero ser el mejor, afrontando el partido más difícil de mi vida, con todas mis fuerzas, contando además con quienes me estáis haciendo llegar mensajes de aliento".

"Siempre me he solidarizado con aquellas personas que afrontan enfermedades, incluso mucho mayores que la mía. Por ello, quiero recordarles que con valor, fe, serenidad, confianza y mucha fuerza mental hemos de afrontar cualquier situación por muy difícil que ésta sea", añadía Ballesteros.

I have started to build the set, though my building skills are crap I am taking my time.

My hair was coming out in great big massive chunks, and as I want to donate it to a children's charity, I thought I should act before there was nothing left to donate! So, this morning, feeling not too cheerful, I made the call to the hairdresser who cuts my sons hair (and Ian's too, when he can be half assed!!) and asked if she could do it.

She kind of put me on the spot by telling me to come on down- I'd somehow imagined that she'd say to come on Friday or Monday, but it's probably been a good thing in hindsight that I didn't have time to think about it too much.

Julie owns Black Knights Hairdressing in Ballygowan- I know how kind she is because of how she has dealt with Ricky in the past, and I knew she'd deal with the situation sensitively. She whisked me into a back room and discussed what was needed. I was shaking like a leaf when I got there, but she really put me at my ease and made it so easy.

I got my hair taken down to a number 2. I can't bear the big clumps which come out in your hands when washing your hair at this stage, so this way, any bristles will just go down the plug hole. I am hoping this will make the process less painful and difficult.

Julie was also kind enough to style my new wig for me. It was a bit too long for my comfort, and the fringe wasn't easy to deal with. She cut and layered it for me, and I am pleased with the results, though it will take a while to get used to it all!

Emotionally, I am dealing with this much better than I thought I would. I thought I would sit and cry while she did it, but I wore the now-compulsory red lippy, gave myself a stiff pep talk on the way down about how it was only hair, to stop being so bloody melodramatic, and to remember why I was doing this. It worked pretty well. The only tears I have shed today have been when I was washing my hair before I left, and it was all coming out. That was hard.

So- I live to fight another day!! I'm even more comfortable with my nearly baldy head than I thought I would be. It's bloody cold though. I hadn't realised how warm my hair was keeping me! It's not just the head itself, but my shoulders where my hair normally goes. Hmmm. I will put the heating on!

Many thanks to Julie, for giving me courage to get through this, and for being such a kind person, and for giving me a great haircut!

GI Suzy-

Suzy with Wig-

He doesn't want another brain MRI for three months instead of every month.

It's almost 9 AM.  Is it too early to pop open the champagne?

I honestly can't recall a more stressful period in my own life. Remember that scale of stressful life events you saw in high school or college psychology class? I've got way too many of those things going on right now - my hope is that by sharing all this I'll feel better, make myself laugh at some of it and maybe give some people something interesting to read on the interwebs. So here's what's going on in my world:

1. My first child, son Connor, was born in April. He's beyond awesome - but babies are a lot of work. My wife and I are extremely lucky - he sleeps well, he's happy pretty much all the time, he eats great - just a great baby. That's why he's number one on this list. He's the least stressful piece of my life. I don't think I could do this if I didn't get to see him and play with him every day. He is joy personified.

2. Moved from Cincinnati to Cleveland in July - new job designed to bring my family closer to friends and relatives. There are days where this seems like a mistake. My job in Southwest Ohio was great and I was well respected. In a lot of ways, my new job is a step backwards - but the sacrifice seemed - and still seems - worth it. We all want more for our kids than we had, in this case that means family. One set of my grandparents died before I knew them, the other was 20 hours away and I was lucky to see them once a year. I don't want that for my son.

3. Trying to sell condo - in the worst housing market ever. I'm three into this list and I already want to drown myself in the toilet. It's a great condo, but there are issues that keep folks from buying it - more on that in a later post.

4. Living with my wife's parents until we find and move into a new house - my in-laws are better than most, so I'm lucky, but a guy just wants to watch football in his underpants sometimes. And HOLY SHIT do I hate having to watch Dancing with the Stars. This is another subject which deserves, and will get, its own post.

5. Buying new house - committing to an uncertain amount of time paying two mortgages.

6. Deciding to rent out condo in Cincy - hiring a property manager and looking for a tenant - never been a landlord before.

7. Finding out my mom has breast cancer - it's like when you're playing soccer or kickball as a kid, you take your eye off the game for a minute and the ball is kicked hard right into your gut, taking the wind out of you. For a minute your head spins and you feel like you're going to die. Kind of like that, but moreso.

So I think that's a sufficient starting point for this blog.

Take care, everyone.

"She put on her favorite boots and took a stand against cancer, version II"

Acrylic & Oil Wash on Illustration Board, 11x14 inches

©2008 Heather L. Young

Part of me holds on...part of me lets go...part of me is in his face...part of me is moving away...

Unbalanced. I feel so unbalanced every day. Everything is out of whack and yet I focus on him and his care and his life and his comfort like a laser. It is my absolutely number one priority and nothing in this world could move me off that. Unbalanced and yet focused.

It's a strange, strange world.

As expected, I did sob almost uncontrollably when they called my name to prep me for surgery.  My surgeon, Dr. Wechter, found me quietly bawling in the surgery induction area when she and the operating team came to say hello and introduce themselves.  I think I may have made one of the residents cry.  Dr. Wechter came to my side, took my hands in hers, and affirmed that crying was a very natural response and that anyone in my situation would cry also.  She told me that I should take as long as I needed to process that moment and "get it all out."  She also assured me that everything was going to be okay.  Her calm and authoritative demeanor was unquestionable -- when she said that everything was going to be okay, I believed her.

After inserting an IV in my hand, the nurses escorted me to the surgery room.  The bright lights, tons of monitors, super cold temperature, and blurry faces around me (I'm absolutely blind without my contacts) made my heart start to race.  The anesthesiologists went to work quickly.  The last thing I remember was the anesthesiologist asking if I liked what he had just given me and if I would like more.  I nodded yes and passed out shortly thereafter.

I woke up in a ton of pain and very upset by the bright lights.  I remember being an absolute terror to the nurses in the recovery area.  I tried to pull myself out of bed to get into a more "shady" area so that the bright lights wouldn't bother me.  I also thought my girlfriend, Jackie, was in the recovery area with me, so I screamed for her to grab my sleeping mask for me.  I got angry after not receiving a response, thinking that Jackie was being mean and holding out on me.  The nurses must have thought I was crazy.  To make matters more interesting, there was a nurse in the recovery area who looks exactly like my Stepmom.  When I saw her, I was convinced that I had not made it through the surgery alive and that I was in some weird purgatory-type area.  I mean, why else would Jackie hide my sleeping mask and my Stepmom be caring for me after surgery? 

When I finally came out of the haze of anesthesia and realized I was not in purgatory, I was ravenous.  The anesthesiologists had given me very good anti-nausea medications, so I was able to eat well.  Two bowls of chicken broth, a bowl of beef broth, a bowl of cream of potato soup, a bowl of cream of tomato soup, a taco salad, some mashed potatos, and an orange shake.  I can only imagine what the kitchen thought about me -- the fat ass in Room 1259.

I had tons of visitors that evening, and it was uplifting to have my Seattle (and part of my Portland) family with me to support me.  Gary and Heather joked with the nurses that with the number of visitors I had, they would need to supply a red velvet rope and bouncer.  For many moments that evening, I actually forgot about the pain.  Perhaps it was the Vicodin, but I doubt it was just that -- I was laughing a lot with everyone and had a smile on my face.

Although I came home yesterday, it took me a while before I had enough emotional strength to look at the incisions.  I have worked with my therapist on this moment for the past month, so it was a big event to finally look in the mirror to see what my body looks like.  I have seen tons of photos of women post -bilateral mastectomy, so the actual incisions didn't bother me.  Seeing those incisions on my body was the biggest shock.  I'm not sure I've actually really processed what's happened to me, so I suspect that I will have several "freak out" moments in the near future.

It's been nice to be distracted by all the wonderful care I've received since my surgery.  Dawn drove up from Portland to take care of me this week.  Destiny, Sven, Richie, Winda, Oz, Gary, Heather, Marshall, Shea all came to visit me in the hospital.  Jackie slept in a cot next to me while I was in recovery in the hospital.  Howard was my first visitor at home and brought me fresh hummus, yummy olives, and fresh flowers from his garden.  Laura brought over dinner last night and lunch today.   I've received more flowers than I have countertops and tables to support  -- thanks Marshall, Brian & Shannon, Levi, and Princess Jae & Bunny Ben!  And I have received more calls and emails than I can remember while on Vicodin.  The amount of love and support I've received is so overwhelming that it's impossible to feel sad or depressed.