Once upon a time I loved you more than anything.

Once upon a time I thought that we were untouchable.  Sure we had our problems but...

Once upon a time I gave and gave and gave in every way I could.  Emotionally.  Financially.  I didn't have much then, but I bent over backwards to give you what I did.  My motives were genuine and I didn't expect a thing in return.

Once upon a time I'd move mountains if he asked me, or hell, if he even hinted that he wanted them moved.  I'd find the way.  I've always found a way.

Once upon a time I said goodbye.  I made my peace about the situation.  I tried to be friends with you.  I really didn't want it to end like it did.

Once upon a time you were a dickhead and you still are.   A few months ago, after some further drama you pulled after an event, I let you go for the last time.

Once upon a time I thought that you were worthwhile.  That maybe, just maybe this tug of war of hearts was something great.  But, in the end I realized that everyone else was right when they told me that you didn't deserve me.

Once upon a time I gave you a chance... all the tools shown.  The only thing you needed to do was overcome yourself.  You once told me that I was the most black and white girl you'd ever met and you had no idea where I came from.  But I was yours.  We understood each other and knew what buttons to press.  We strengthened each other separately.  Together we were unbreakable.

Once upon a time you chose the other path.  We went our separate ways and I thought it was going to be alright.. I'd made my peace.  I moved on.  I thought you did too.  So why do you still haunt me?

***

I was messaged last night about a recent stunt Big had pulled as I was waiting for my friend Mo to come over. to pick me up for last nights event.  Mo was helping a friend move so we were running late.  I had felt horrible earlier.  Anxiety and chest pains rendered me stuck in bed.  I almost cancelled even hanging out with Mo, but the grip came over for a few minutes and suddenly I felt better.

Combined with this stunt of my ex, we decided to just cut our losses and hang out and drink.  Mo is very quickly becoming one of my very good friends.  I feel so very fortunate for the people in my life.

I'll admit it, I was a bit bummed.  When a lover you've been off and on with and your former best friend join superforces, even if it's just a friendship (and him trying to mindfuck me in my opinion) it gets to you- and you'd be lying if you said otherwise.  I may or may not write the full story later.  I haven't decided yet.

***

Once upon a time, a girl once broken, once repaired, and once a cynic met the most amazing man.  And he was everything conventional that little girls dream of, but not entirely conventional.  And it wasn't you.

***

I see the grip on a daily basis.  He may work a ton, but he always takes the time out of his day and makes sure that he sees me.  Because that's what you do for the person you care about.  This man.. this great man.. treats me in ways- though arguably simple and common sense to some- otherwise mythical to the plethora of lovers I've ever had.

Mo teased me about how whipped my boyfriend is.  Yes, there I said it- I have a boyfriend, though currently not a monogamous relationship (on my side), he is my ready steady.  And he's likely better than yours.

I texted the grip telling him I was a bit bummed, and a little piece of the puzzle as to why.  I told him that I really just wanted him to come (no he's not living with me) and to just hold eachother.  I felt like a bit of a baby.  He'd stopped by a few hours prior to make sure I was alright.  And now this.

Things with Big shouldn't have phased me.  How do you tell your current lover that everytime you try and toss this other guy back he keeps popping back up?  He's like the snake in a Medusa head.  Why does he boomerang back but yet he couldn't commit when he had me?  I swear, and pardon me for saying this ladies, but he seems to have more of those "womanly" qualities about him that drive men mad than I do.  Drama.  Nothing more, nothing less.  And what's funny is that he has a girlfriend.

Mo and I drank vodka in the living room.  We had a blast throwing down spirit and cares.  Because that's what good friends are for.  Because that's what good friends do.

I started texting some more.  I wanted him here.

"Door unlocked.  Take elevator and come in. "

He said he wasn't getting off for a couple of hours.  With the fires going on, it makes production a bit of a pain in the ass.  I know he works his ass off and seeing a few tweets with total lack and consideration for other people involved pissed me off something fierce with their immaturity... he was stuck at work a long time yesterday.

Mo and I drank till the point of passing out.  I awoke to this boy at the foot of my bed staring up at me.  The grip had come by, without question, like I'd asked.

***

Once upon a time there was a girl who dealt with too much bullshit from a hanger-on man.  She was disillusioned to thinking he could be the best thing that ever happened to her.  And maybe to some extent she was both wrong as much as she was right.

Once upon a time this girl really didn't know what she'd been missing out on out there.

Once upon a time she enbraced her faults and pieced herself back together.  She learned that you never will meet the right person until you become that person.  And amazing things suddenly started to happen.  And, like a ripple effect, they continued to happen.

Because everything you ever need you already have.  You just need to take a step back and look within. Outside of the box, yet inside of the box.

Once upon a time I didn't regret a single moment of both pain and joy that you gave me.  Because I grew from it.  And ultimately, it prepared me for the person who would treat me like people dream to be treated.

And it all started...

once upon a time when I let you go.

This is the society in which we think that flagrant insincerity is normal and right.  This is the society of fragile marriages, majority divorces and pre-nuptial agreements. This is the society that liars are right, and truth-speaking "fools" (like me) are wrong and condemned. And in the end, the liars and hypocrites are well-rewarded with respect and popularity. Sigh.

Lying, insincerity, is largely protective. It protects against disclosure, from which arises danger, and from danger comes the risk of suffering. Lies protect against suffering (no wonder liars live happily ever after, and those who speak the truth like me, suffers). The harsh truth may be that the only remedy for lies is suffering–conscious suffering (is that so huh?). The direction in which sincerity lies is uncomfortable. It is unfamiliar, so steeped in lies are we. The unfamiliar path is thorny, unblazed, resistant.

He lies to others; he lies to himself. He declares willingness to undertake a challenge, when in fact he's not really willing to see it through–and he fabricates justifications, excuses, in the back of his mind.

Blunt, mindless ‘honesty’ does not seem to be required (so, saya bersalah lah kerana bersikap benar, macam tu?).  If I know it when I see it, then it must be there, inside me, somewhere. Something within me must respond to it, like to like. And when I respond, it’s always in accordance with its nature in me, and in the other. I respond to sincerity, and express sincerity, in context (tapi saya tetap dipandang sebagai pesalah mandatory kelas satu).

Perhaps that’s the great telling point of sincerity. It has the resonance of authenticity in context–it seems genuinely to be connected to something else, something bigger, grander, that validates it (tu sebab kebenaran yang ada bersama saya amat digeruni oleh para penipu.)

Little children, famously, are at first capable of sincerity.  We recognize sincerity in them–and they have more of it because they are closer to its source (tu sebab I just LOVE kids).

"Insincerity is always weakness, sincerity even in error (like me) signifies strength."

"Sincerity makes the least person to be of more value, than the most talented hypocrite."

"I'll always be sincere, whether I mean it or not."

"Salvation is in sincerity."

"Wahai saudara-saudara ku, berhenti lah menabur ayat-ayat cinta atau ayat-ayat yang sewaktu dengannya terutama sekali yang palsu jika ianya hanya bertujuan untuk kepentingan peribadi tanpa menyedari bahawa perbuatan itu akan menghancurkan pihak yang jujur yang tidak menyedari bahawa dia sedang di tipu."

Yang kelakar tu, bila penipuan si penipu dapat dihidu oleh yang dah kena tipu, si penipu marah pada yang dah kena tipu dan siap bagi warning lagi, sebab dia takut penipuan nya akan di"terhidu" oleh bakal-bakal yang akan kena tipu yang mungkin terbaca komen dari yang dah pernah kena tipu ni walhal jauh dilubuk hati tak terlintas langsung apa-apa agenda yang negatif ...... lebih kurang macam tu lah nasihat saya.  Saya telah pun acknowledge kesilapan-kesilapan yang lalu bila membiarkan diri ditipu, dan tak nak bersubahat, apa lagi mengulanginya tapi kalau si penipu nak teruskan juga kerjaya beliau, janganlah terasa hati kalau ada diantara bakal-bakal yang kena tipu cuba mencari kebenaran dari saya ..... I'm such a pain and a nerd to myself bleeeaagghhhhhh .... why did I get myself entangled dengan orang yg suka menipu ni in the first place aaaarrrrgghhhh!!

Boleh tak nak pinjam Time Machine?  Walaupun perkara ni dah beberapa bulan berlalu but luka berdarah belum heal completely yet.  Wanna erase the moments that truly hurts especially those I cant forget most :-(  Allah be with me please ...  

First of all, you still love this person, despite everything. Even after I knew without a doubt that my ex and I had no chance of fixing things, I still cared about him. That's not something you can just turn on and off - if you could, none of this would be that hard to handle. On top of that, your whole life is wrapped up with theirs - literally. Depending on how long you've been together, there could be children, a mortgage, investments, and who knows what else. Everything that you have tied together now has to be unravelled. Believe me when I say that the unravelling can be quite a task - it took me nearly a year and a half to get everything separated, and still things pop up from time to time that I didn't get to, like my phone bill that's still in my ex's name. Then there's the sometimes overwhelming amount of advice from well-meaning relatives and friends on what you should or shouldn't do, how you should do it, and why. Some of this advice is sound, some of it not so much, because while most people are just trying to be helpful, there are those that have their own agendas. Maybe your Aunt Margaret never liked your mate to begin with, or the neighbor across the street has had a crush on him and wants her shot at him. It's up to you to figure out who's who. Factor in the fear of the unknown, and of having to start over again, and the decision you're faced with is terrifying.

If you do find yourself in this kind of situation, there are several things you have to take into consideration before making any kind of changes. First of all, have you given yourself enough time to make a rational decision? When you life goes to hell in a handbasket, it's easy to make snap judgements that you could end up regretting later. I was lucky in this regard (if you want to call it that) - my ex was deployed with the military when I found out about his infidelities, so I had time to think things through without having to deal with him directly at first. It gave me time to clear my head and use common sense instead of making judgements fueled by pain and anger.

Another consideration is your partner. I don't mean that you should make your choice based on what they want. What I mean is that you need to take a look at how they are handling themselves now that they've been caught in whatever mess they've created. Are they truly regretful, or are they just sorry they got caught? Do they really fear losing you, or the security you represent? For that matter, you need to ask that question of yourself, too. My ex said what I wanted to hear, but continued on with business as usual with the other women in his life. It eventually became clear to me that he didn't want to change his behavior - he just depended on me to keep things running smoothly and didn't want that to change either. On the flip side, I have friends whose husbands have bent over backwards doing anything and everything their wives asked of them in an effort to rebuild what they had torn apart. You really just have to watch and see what he or she does after the ax falls.

If there are children involved, you have to plan properly so that minimal damage is done to them in this whole process. That applies whether you stay or go. If you're angry and bitter but decide to stay "for the children", don't think that won't tear them apart. It will. And if the relationship is not so damaged that it can't be fixed, but you decide to leave too hastily, they'll know that too. As much as you might want to be, you can't be selfish now - those children are innocent bystanders in something they have even less control over than you do, and they depend on you as their parent to protect them in the best way you can. It's important that whatever environment they end up in is one they can grow, flourish and be happy in, and you're the only one that has to figure out which environment is best for that.

And as cold as it may seem, there's also the financial aspect. No, you shouldn't stay with someone for money. But you should use caution if you do decide that things can't be repaired between the two of you. Make sure that you're financially able to care for yourself and your children if you have them, and make sure that you can't be taken advantage of financially by your mate. Plenty of people have left in anger, only to discover that they could not afford to be on their own. And plenty of other people have not been vigilant enough about the dollars and cents while they were trying to make a decision, only to find that their significant other made that decision for them and took all the cash in the process.

The bottom line is that, while there is a ton of emotion you have to deal with in this kind of situation, you need to be circumspect and make sure none of your choices are made on a purely emotional level. Reason things out, use common sense, take all the information you have about past and present behavior into account, and try to make a sane, reasonable decision based on what you want and need, and what you can live with. You may also want to go and see a counselor or therapist (or a trusted friend, if you're not comfortable with professional help) who can help you wade through the immense amount of garbage that's been thrown your way, so that you can get on with your life, one way or another. Unfortunately, as the saying goes, the only way out is through - but you CAN get through this, you CAN choose the path that's right for you, and you CAN be happy again. Just be smart about it.

© starofseshat 2008

Reminder: Opening Line contest ends this week!

Revising a book is a fascinating process. I'm reading whole chapters that I completely forgot about, and I'm finding that with a little tweaking, I am feeling really, really horrible on behalf of my beleagered hero. I hope I give him a break by the end, or I'm just...not a nice fellow.

But more importantly, Heroes! The Sylar story line continues to give me hope. Family politics and addiction, etc. are interesting. But of course, the big story is Hiro. He finally patched things up with Captain Niceguy sidekick Ando, and then tonight Hiro stabbed him in the heart to trick the bad guys into letting him join their motley crew. Spent all of a second thinking about it, too.

Now, of course, we're all thinking he froze time and pulled some sort of switcheroo, right? Here's hoping. But the scene plays terribly. It makes Hiro such a thin and flimsy excuse for a hero. This guy fought an army in medieval Japan, and confronted Sylar, and yet here he is killing his best friend. Of course we don't buy it, it must be a sham. After all, he controls time and space (makes cool hand waving gestures). So either it's a totally fake moment, and we know it, or its a totally real moment and we hate it. Join me in a collective, WTF?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wpBbuJ6QNQk

(First Timer? Read from the start)

Friday, September 19^th at 11:00pm

Tap! Tap! Tap! “Oh that must be the door. Jaz, I will be right back,” I uncoiled myself from the lotus position and half walked and stretched my legs on my way to open the door.

At the door, Cindi asked while whispering “How is doing? Is she ok?”

Lowering my voice as well, I responded “She is doing a lot better now. Not crying as much. She is debating calling and asking him but I told her maybe she should confront him face-to-face that way she can better gauge his reaction.”

“Not sure if she should wait. Well anyway, let me in I want to show her the goodies I brought with me.”

“Hey sweetie, how are you doing?” She exclaimed walking into the room making a bee line to a sullen Jaz curled up on the couch swaddled in my favorite quilt. “I brought you some junk and some Sex and The City. They are right here when you need them.” She noted as she placed her bounty on the coffee table.

On cue, I walked to the kitchen to grab some plates, napkins and bottles of water. On my way back to the living room, I noticed that Jaz was now sitting up and sobbing.

“I can’t believe he would do this to me, to us.  Crap! I would have even understood if he wanted to take a break or not date anymore. But to cheat?! What a loser! What did I ever see in him?” And with that outburst she swigged half of the bottle of water.

“Hon, so what are you going to do?  Diane was saying that you wanted to wait to talk to him later?” Cindi inquired. I could already tell that she did not think that was a good decision and that the fighting litigator in her was getting ready to roar.

“I am really upset, but I am going to wait to talk in person.  He texted me ten minutes ago that he wanted to stop by tonight after quote, unquote – hanging out with his friends. So, I am going to head home in a few to confront him. I copied and pasted his profile in an email to myself, as proof. Gosh, I am so annoyed!  I don’t even know how I can tell my mother!”

Saturday, September 20^th at 3:30am

“Hello, Jaz darling what is going on? How did the talk go?” I said after calling her still half asleep.

“We’ve been arguing for hours. He finally left a few minutes ago. He admitted to dating other women for the past two years.  He said he was only doing it as an ego boost but that none of these relationships were important to him.  He claims there was only heavy petting involved. ‘I still love only you baby’ he said over and over. At this point I don’t believe him. He says we should go to a counselor and not throw away eight years. But, I feel like such a fool. Two years and over ten women, maybe more!  His best friend AJ even knew what he was doing all this time and no one told me. They must think I am a fool. I am so sick about the whole situation.  ” She said tearfully.

“Do you want me to come over?” I was thinking that she should not be by herself.

“Ummm…not really.  I think just need to be by myself right now.” Sniff. Sniff. “I just have to take all of this in. It’s all so new. I am 29 years old. He and I dated ever since my last year in college. My entire twenties I could’ve dated other people! I even thought he would pop the question when I turned 30. To think that I could’ve married someone I never really knew is scary. How did I miss the signs?” She said all this and just went silent.  Then I heard her in the background fiddling around.

“What are you doing?” I asked curiously.

“Getting his stuff ready to dump in the trash room. I never want to see him again!”

I stayed on the phone with her until early in the morning. She needed to talk and I so I just listened also in shock at all that was happening to her relationship. In the end, at least physically all reminders of him were no longer at her place. I still had to remind to change her locks after we both got some sleep.

Picture

I really thought he was a great friend.  My parents have even met him, but know nothing obviously of this dark side of him. 

My sisters (and many friends) did say, however, that they never got a good feeling about him.

H and I had a really good time, until my GF moved in, and he followed suit with a girl also from her city.

There was something off about that, especially since unlike me having talked about her alot,  this 'girlfriend' of his was a girl that was handing out flyers for a strip club who he met, and slept with.

He claims they stayed in touch, but suddenly, she just turned up at our doorstep.  Permissions from our other flatmates were not even asked before hand.

But the bigger issue I suppose, was that I felt he was trying to one up me.

At the same time, I was still sucked in by his 'friendship'.  He called
me his 'best friend'.  In fact, going as far to tell me I was like a
'brother from a different mother'.

One day, due to his carelessness, his 'girlfriend' discovered some whoring stuff on his laptop.

He blamed it on me.

I was pretty angry and annoyed at the time to be made a scapegoat.  But he was right.  I had difficulty quitting the whoring behaviour.  So the punts continued, behind our girlfriend's backs. 

We did another trip to Germany.

But deep down, I was angry, and felt betrayed, by the fact that in my
face, he encouraged this behaviour.  He told me it was ok to do this, everyone does it, stop being a p**** and just to 'be a man'.

Then, my friends became his friends, and
our social circles really overlapped.

In time, we sort of moved apart.  His girlfriend obviously was hearing whatever he was telling her about me, and mine of his, so none of us really got on well.

About a year later, I was thinking to split up with my girlfriend. Mostly because I couldn't stop this behaviour.

I felt compelled to get in touch with him.  Mostly because I felt, that he knew all about me, and could give me some sound advice.

'Break up with her,' he advised. 'And I'll break up with mine too.  Then we can go bang more hot girls.'

I must say, when he suggests things like that (and it was probably more descriptive), it certainly got me tempted.

He also told me it was ok to keep doing what I was doing.

I got to a point where I thought ok, I'm going to break up with my GF.  But I couldn't go through with it.  Maybe because I do love her.  And instead, I decided to face my demons.

I told my GF the entire truth.  Lots of tears ensued.  She was of course, as a normal person would be, angry, upset, and disappointed with me.  But I think she also saw that it wasn't really 'me' but this problem that I do want to resolve.

Thing is, very few of my other friends knew about this, except H.  And when I told my other friends that I've 'come clean', no one except H realised the implication of what I really meant.

In response, most of them thought I was picking up normal girls, having relationships with them and sleeping with them.  Which was kind of far from the truth, of course.  They thought that was a bad mistake.

Of course, H knew better.  But instead of supporting me, he goes to the other side.  He starts saying that the fact that my girlfrined 'took me back' he has lost all respect for her because she should have 'slammed the door on the way out'.

What was interesting about this, of course, was how contradictory this was to his previous advice and suggestions. 

If he really felt that my actions were 'wrong', and that she should have left me because of it, why was he encouraging me to act out?

And that is when I realised what a REAL friend he was.  Not.

At about the same time, H realised his dream of becoming a porn producer.  And being the show off he was, he was posting photos of him and gorgeous porn girls, to impress everyone else.  Then, just after he publically humiliates me and my girlfriend, he would call me up and ask me to join him.

Of course, his girlfriend had no clue about this whatsoever.  He told everyone that he was a 'movie producer' for MTV.  He was living a lie. 

All I know is that while I was tempted to bang some hot porn girls, I know I didn't want to be like him.   I'm glad to say, so far I've refrained from it.  Recently he's even got the website up, so it's only in due time before his friends and family realise what he's been up to, especially since his face is plastered all over it.

Well done...

Dysfunctional Pattern - People who score in this range have a
pattern of dysfunction in their relationships. If they are not in a
Betrayal Bond, they certainly are vulnerable to one. Engaging in
therapy and education with a focus on family of origin issues would be
helpful.

Part of the thought process when doing that was in thinking about my relationship/friendship with H.

My "Best Friend" H

One of the problems I've had is with this guy I know, H.

H and I bonded together through a love for... you guessed it, beautiful women.  We're also somewhat similar in terms of background.

I met him during a lonely phase of my life.  We're both very much into meeting women.

And one thing was that H was entirely non-judgemental about me with whores.  In fact, while he was probably a bit more 'stingy' than me, he was encouraging of the behaviour.

I was doing this long before I met H, but I am sure that our 'male pair bonding' made the behaviour worse.

It was actually after meeting H that I first explored the red light districts in Amsterdam, along with the orgy fueled lifestyle at the German FKK clubs.  It was often swapping war stories, or even swapping girls.  I felt for the first time in my life, that here was someone I could talk openly about this stuff with, without thinking or worrying about consequences.

I really trusted him.

We had a great time travelling, because everything was out in the open, and it was our secret.  He moved countries, to hang out with me.  We moved into a flat together, and had some pretty girls in the flat (just friends!).  And for a while, it seemed like we were doing well.

That was, until shortly after, I met my current girlfriend when we were travelling.

I fell for this girl.  In a way, I believed I could quit for her.

And I think it made H jealous, on some level.

Especially when she moved in together with me, into our flat.

H and I started spending alot less time together, as I spent more with my girlfriend.

And this is where it gets all weird.

A few months later, out of the blue, he says that his 'girlfriend' was also moving into our flat.

Funny thing is, he never really mentioned this girl.

What was so sick about this all, was that she was also from my girlfriend's city.

It was like he was imitating as I was doing.

I did confront him once, when he insulted my girlfriend by indicating she was older than me, only to point out that his girlfriend was 10 years younger than him.

And I was not the only one that was 'weirded' out by the whole thing.  Our entire flat, of girls (just friends) were.  Obviously, it was hard to talk about, because we were kind of living this double life.

And this is where the mess began, but it also sort of 'woke me up' to realise the big picture.

Type:  Monologue from a script by Deidra Mohr

Character(S):  Darshana (Dar) a German girl immigrated to the u.s. in the year of 1993 at age 5 to escape turmoil left over from recent warring.  Raised by friends of the family in Minnesota, she is now 19 and in her first year of Art School at LMU.

                    Charis: The listener and Dar's current ''girlfriend'' who has betrayed the young German one too many times.

Set-Up:  Late evening on the 2nd story terrace of Charis's apartment.  Dar has been passive as Charis explains how her male lover wants to commit again after breaking up with her 2 months ago.  Losing her understanding resolve, Dar speaks her mind and is assertive for the first time in a long while.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dar stands at the corner of the terrace, letting the cold wind hit her face, not caring if she is wearing nothing but a tank top and capri's in the bitter evening chill of North Hollywood.  

Charis finishes pouring her heart out, to the always understanding Dar, about her boyfriend coming back and her acceptance of his love.  Her eyes show hope that Dar will stay by her side.  Keep her warm when he cannot.

Dar stares blankly into the horizon.

DAR: No.

She turns around

DAR:  No Charis.  Not this time.  Do you remember, pretty girl, what happened before you?  You should, I was an open book to you as you read, and re-read every one of my pages, dog-earing, and tearing the binding as you dug deeper and deeper to hold me as yours.  

Ine was there before you.  For over half a year, her and I entwined our lives together like a tailor braiding the threading for his most precious cloth.  We drew on each other's breath to live, and bled from the same wounds of our past.  

Pretty girl, you know this story. . . so don't look at me in such an confused way.  You know that on my birthday she called me.  Ine was tense, fidgety, an uncommon trait in her usual calm European demeanor and pride.  She drew in a breath, the last one we shared, and then disembowled me with her words.  A mere four hours earlier, lust had driven her towards a woman 10 yrs her senior . . . Marrianne. Guess what I said? I said, "I understand."  

For six months I was there for Ine.  I was there to cushion her fall every time Marrianne rejected her.  I crawled on the broken shards of crystal and the leftover shrapnel metal from every blow Marriane produced. Just so Ine would be protected, unhurt, and safe.  

Then broken, mutilated, and bruised I told Ine that Marrianne would never let her in, that she would never love her as I could. . . but she merely turned around and denied me my voice.

"I understand"  I said.

Dar stares and smiles lightly at Charis.  She steps slowly towards her.

Then you showed up.  Little Charis, so sweet, so caring for the world and her children.  It was clear from the beginning that you had a relationship with Owen.  That you loved him.  But I was foolish and got trapped in your gaze.  "I understand" I said.

Dar runs her hand down Charis's face, cupping her cheek and leaning forward as to kiss her.

Pretty girl, you spend your energy crying for people whose death is millimeters away.  Whose fate is decided already.  Yet, still you fight.  Do you know why?  Well I do. . .  You cry and fight because you want the warmth of their dying bodies pressed against your heart.  You tell yourself you're part of the greater good, helping the hopeless.  But really, you just want to tear the last bit of life from them to glorify yourself as good....little....Charis.

Dar grabs Charis's wrists and holds her in place not by strength, but fear.

Then he left you.  Didn't he pretty girl?  And guess what I did?  I protected you.  I held you close.

Dar roughly pulls Charis against her

I kept all the bad things away, I silenced your nightmares. . .

Dar spins Charis around, so they are front to back.  She whispers in Charis's ear and starts caressing down the frozen girl's body.

I made you fall into a shuddering, wet, body of burning nerves that cried out in pleasure night, after night, with the mere touch of my hand against your centre. . . 

Dar teases Charis then shoves her away.

Truth is pretty girl, you may consider yourself a sexual freest who falls in love with a person, not a male or female.  Yet in reality, you will always marry a man, never a woman.  Never me.  A man gives you a sense of normality in your life, a sense of being controlled, a sense of belonging.

I'm not going to be your fuck-buddy every time Owen runs away from you and leaves you unsatisfied.

 Dar reaches into her pocket and pulls out a wad of money and some batteries.

Here's two batteries and some cash,

She puts them on the terrace table.

You don't need me to make you come, you can buy something and do it yourself.

Understand, Charis?

Dar exits.

Until about two months ago, Otedola and Dangote have been known to be buddies in both the social and business senses. A source that had trailed the relationship between the two observed that though Dangote had had preeminence in the nation’s economic sphere before Otedola, but as soon as Otedola emerged in the big league of business owners about six years ago, he and Dangote became a pair both in public places and business alliances.

 In the early days of Transcorp, Otedola and Dangote were on board of the company, positioned back then as Nigeria’s answer to the dominance of the multinationals. Perhaps the most high profile business alliance between the two was the Blue Star Consortium, a special acquisition vehicle the two had used to acquire controlling stakes in the Port Harcourt and Kaduna Refineries. The acquisitions, were, however, revoked soon after Alhaji Umar Musa Yar’Adua assumed the office of the nation’s president.

Beside, though Dangote is known to be the face of Obajana Cement Company, a cement manufacturing concern propositioned to be the biggest in production capacity in Africa, Otedola, his friend has also been mentioned to be part of Obajana in terms of stake holdings.

But now, it would seem that the business collaboration between the two may have been put under pressure arising from what sources close to the very moneyed men describe as betrayal of trust.

 “I think it all has to do with the battle to acquire Chevron Plc, the downstream arm of Chevron Oil and Gas in Nigeria.” A source close to the two said. “Of course, you know by now that Femi had an intense interest in the acquisition of the company. The benefits to him were obvious, if he had acquired Chevron, he would have become the indisputable dominant operator in the downstream sector of the oil and gas industry. He would have merged Africa Petroleum, (a downstream behemoth in its own right after it was merged with Zenon) with Chevron Plc. With the two you can only imagine Femi’s competitive edge in the market place” The source revealed.

“Before the divestment of Chevron Oil and Gas from Chevron Plc was made public, Femi had apparently got information on the move and had shared his desire to buy Chevron with his friend, Dangote. I know that initially, Dangote was all in support of the scheme by Femi to acquire. But that was until Sayyu Dantata came into the picture.” The source said.

Sayyu Dantata, aside being a former business protégé of Dangote, is also related to Dangote, so it would seem natural that the balance of emotions by Dangote would tilt in favour of Sayyu.

“As it turned out, I am not too sure if Femi thought along that line. At least, he and Dangote had been at the Chevron thing for a while so there would have been no suspicion of Dangote’s shift of loyalty. So as the negotiation and bidding for Chevron proceeded, Femi constantly updated on his next moves and strategies. As issues evolved, he got to know that Sayyu’s MRS Group, the company that eventually won the bid was always outflanking him. The long and short of it is that there is the suspicion that Dangote might have availed his cousin, Sayyu of information Femi had shared with him.”

The same source said there had been a confrontation between the two where Dangote explained that Otedola could not have expected him to go the whole hog with him in consideration of his (Dangote) relationship with Sayyu.

“You know these people are matured men, you don’t expect them to bring their small fights to the public place, what I know is that Femi has decided to review and locate any opportunity in the economic space that enable him contribute to the economic advancement of the country. So all these talks about Femi taking on Dangote in competition by deciding to go into establishment of cement manufacturing plant is principally about expanding his business horizon. It has no direct bearing on the role Dangote played in the bid for Chevron.” The source explained.

I was lying in a large bed when I servant came to tell me that my babies were dying. I was still weak from giving birth but started to climb out of bed. My husband berated me, reminding me of the religious prohibition. I shouted at him, "Your rules are heresy to the gods!" I'd had enough. I ran and held my babies. I took them to an open window hoping that the chill morning air would make it easier for them to breathe. But it was too late, they were dying in my arms.

I started to cry. I woke crying with my lips forming the words, "I can't cope with any more pain. I can't cope with any more pain."

I lay in bed and cried. There was no pin prick source of pain, it was a generalised grief like a cloud rising up through my body. I cried for a long time, and even now I feel upset by the dream.
No more pain? That's what life is though: a sequence of little births and deaths, accompanied by the wracking pain of separation. In my dream, obedience to the religious rules had forced me to abdicate myself. My babies would never have survived in such a world. My husband's cold restraint killed any love I may have had for him. I knew that once my babies were buried I would be returning to my world, to the source. Separation from the source, enforcement of separation and blind obedience to rules: heresy indeed that lays the ground for a bed full of grief and pain. I can't cope with any more pain. So how do I return my Homeland?
© starofseshat 2008

Lyrics to Storm Coming :
I could paint a picture with a pen
But a song will only scratch the skin
And there are still places I haven't been
Because I know what's in there is already in the air

Oh yeah, there's a storm on the way
There's a storm on the way, alright
There's a storm on the way, uh huh
And it's comin' no matter what I say
(And I come, I come, I come, I come)

Hey, hey, hey, there's truth in the thunder
Love in the lightning, the feeling is frightening
Yeah, isn't it exciting?
I'm something like stormy weather
If I weren't we would never
Huddle together, do I have to tell you
That I'm also the sunlight, that shines shortly after?
I just rain cause I have to, on to another chapter
I wish you lots of laughter
Til the next time you see me
Just remember you need me, I'm the storm coming
(And I come, I come, I come, I come)
Oh C'mon (And I come, I come, I come, I come), c'mon

Run towards the hills to avoid the high flood
I can do a dance that'll make the sky cry blood
Skills provoke, and seals will be broken open
All that's left to do is try my love, wooooooh

When I sing it's a cyclone
I'm writing a raging sea
Searching for a sign of life
Is it safe to say it's me?
Listen to our lives
The wind will whisper the way it is
I am going to happen, what a lovely day it is
Don't ask why
Just live, and, die

so thats me in the corner-thats me over there--was a hard arse interview 2 do-my dyslexia gets in the way some-times-just bear with it and it will show its beauty

Living With the Scars of Abuse

by KIM THOMAS
Source: Press, The Christchurch, New Zealand
Posted on: Wednesday, 1 October 2008, 15:00 CDT

New Zealand's mental health system has a dark history, with hundreds of former patients alleging abuse in state hospitals. Kim Thomas tells the story of one woman who suffered abuse and explores what former patients are doing to try and take back their lives.

♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥

Ursula spent her 22nd birthday huddling near naked in the corner of a bare room at Christchurch's Sunnyside Hospital.

She was incarcerated at the now defunct mental-health hospital for slicing her arms from wrist to armpit with razors.

During her year-long stay at Sunnyside, Ursula (not her real name) was abused and humiliated.

For at least two months she was housed in an isolation room where she was stripped, sometimes by male nurses, and dressed in a thick woollen smock as punishment for her rowdy behaviour.

Her underpants and bra were taken from her and she was forced to use a pot as her toilet, in a room visible to staff and other patients.

More than 20 years later the scars of Ursula's Sunnyside experience are still as visible as the razor marks lacing her arms. She is not alone.

Scores of former Sunnyside patients have disclosed abuse during their stay at the Gothic-style institution.

Nationwide, about 300 former patients claim abuse in mental hospitals during the 1960s, 70s and 80s. Many were sent to psychiatric institutions because of behavioural difficulties but then treated as if they had serious psychiatric illnesses. Some were as young as eight.

Allegations include physical and sexual abuse, long periods of solitary confinement and the use of electro-convulsive (electric shock) therapy (ECT) as punishment.

In 2004, Attorney-General Margaret Wilson announced the establishment of a confidential forum where former patients, their families and hospital staff could tell their stories.

It recently announced a new forum, called the Listening and Assistance Service, for people who allege abuse or neglect during their time in state care in the health, child welfare or residential special education sector before 1992.

Justice and compensation is also being pursued in the law courts.

Wellington lawyer Sonia Cooper represents about 200 of 300 former psychiatric patients, including Ursula, seeking compensation for abuse.

They filed their first claims for compensation in 2004 but the matter remains unresolved. Cooper says she tried to negotiate with the Government out of court but failed.

In the latest chapter of this long running legal process, the Court of Appeal recently passed a judgment saying the Government had to prove that the actions former patients say was abuse was actually treatment, Cooper says.

"We want an acknowledgement that this abuse happened and an apology. If the Crown had been willing to deal with this out of the courts we wouldn't be pursuing legal action," Cooper says.

The Government has already made one large settlement to former psychiatric patients; in 2001, 183 former patients of Lake Alice's adolescent unit received an apology and a share of $10.7 million compensation for claims including receiving ECT and injections as punishment, sexual abuse, ECT on the genitals in several cases, and one of being locked in a cage with a deranged adult.

About 240 civil cases are still pending.

A Crown Law office spokeswoman says it is reading the very complicated Crown Law judgement to decide what steps to take next.

Ursula says she would be dead had she stayed longer in Sunnyside. She sought legal counsel and had herself checked out of the hospital.

Ursula has a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. She says 20 years ago the disorder was poorly understood.

As a result, treatment for her self-harm and erratic behaviour involved being put into an isolation cell as punishment. Good behaviour was rewarded with treats such as winning her underwear back.

For a sexual abuse victim such as Ursula, being stripped was the ultimate in humiliation.

"I saw it as an extension of the brutality I had already had forced on me."

She says she cannot believe the way people such as herself were treated in an environment that was supposed to be therapeutic.

Sunnyside was demolished last year. But even after its demise it holds a significant and sinister place in Christchurch's collective conscience.

Christchurch theatre director Tony McCaffrey has recently secured Creative New Zealand funding to develop a play based on the goings on in the former mental-health hospital, which he hopes to open the stage curtains on next year.

As part of his research McCaffrey visited the ruins of the old hospital and pored over patient log books and photographs.

He also interviewed former nurses, superintendents and patients.

"I believe it's important to acknowledge the huge role Sunnyside played in Christchurch's history and craft a memorial to that," McCaffrey says.

"Since I started this project almost everyone I talk to has some connection to the place, whether they knew someone who worked there or stayed there. Everyone has a story."

McCaffrey says Sunnyside housed people from all walks of life and the way they were treated is an insight into the community's psyche over the past century.

Sunnyside's history also provides a window into the dark history of Christchurch because of some of the inhumane acts that happened there.

Mental Health Foundation chief executive Judi Clements said abuse that occurred in institutions is a crying shame.

She says many staff from those times still feel ill at the things that went on.

However, they were often only doing what they were told or what was best practice at the time, Clements says. In time, people will probably look back at certain practices which occur in the mental health sector now, such as electric shock therapy, and condemn them as cruel or unnecessary.

In any relationship there are certain unspoken rules and boundaries, there are expectations and duties that make up the foundation of a trusting relationship. When those are breeched the whole edifice begins to crumble.

It's like someone takes a knife fresh from the freezer, and plunges it repeatedly into your back. There is no feeling like it, the terrible betrayal, the feeling of abandonment. It almost destroys you, you can't face the world, you can't see how you can go on knowing that the spark has gone.

I do hope you never face a disappointment so deep that it threatens to scar you for life. I can only hope you never experience the same devastation, the same terrible realization that your one true love is simply can not be turned on by you anymore.

I hope you never have to rely on a DELL power supply in your computer.

http://www.commondreams.org/view/2008/10/06

"...from the beginning of time...I thought that pain meant I was not loved. 

It meant I loved."

Sometimes, in relationships with other human beings, something comes along that just sweeps your feet out from under you. Looking up from the ground, bewildered and a bit breathless from your fall,  you are given the opportunity to make a choice. You can chose to entomb this pain into your very cells and nurture it's growth like a mold in the damp dark. Or you can expose it to the sunlight and seek freedom in the very moment you feel the pain. Feeling what you need to feel, be it anger, grief, betrayal, sadness, fear... whatever your heart needs to express... while opening up your clenched fingers and letting it fly away from you. To not take root.

You may mutter, easier said than done, (I know that I usually do) and, YES! Its hard, sometimes it takes everything in you to keep that bitterness from taking root... especially when history repeats itself and old memories butt right into the fresh ones, deepening and expanding what may have started out as something small and now resembles something more along the lines of the scarier looking monsters from "Where the Wild Things Are."

So, how do you keep from freezing in fear at the sight of those old monsters? Seek sunlight (friends, faith, truth, wisdom, inspiration, creativity, journaling, painting, expressing...) and try to stay supple so you can bend instead of break. Seek out where your plumb line of gratitude runs... whether it be in finding the wisdom to walk on, courage to find your voice, trust in your partner and yourself or just the gratitude in knowing that by feeling something... anything... you have invested in another person's life and answered the call to love.

“There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m just fine.”

“I don’t need any help. I can handle things by myself.”

“I opened up once, and look where it got me. I’ll never do that again.”

People who need help—people who need recovery—are often the most difficult people in the world to reach. They deny there is a problem and refuse to seek the help they desperately need to recover. To do so would be an admission of weakness, and that’s something many are unwilling to do, especially men.

For those of us who know the value of help that comes from those who have “traveled our path,” it’s hard to understand why so many choose to continue in self-defeating behavior rather than make the necessary changes to live a life of value—a life rich with meaning and purpose.

When it comes to religious abuse, the task of overcoming denial is even more difficult because, unlike abusing alcohol, food, sex, or drugs, there’s no outward manifestation of dysfunction. It’s all on the inside, where its destructiveness eats away at the soul of the abusee.

Frequently, someone will ask how they can convince a friend or loved one to seek help. The answer is simple: Most of the time, you can’t.

The person in need has to come to that realization without your interference. Until that happens, there’s nothing you can do other than pray they will bottom-out and become willing to make seek help. There are things, however, that you can do that will hinder the recovery of another.

• You can sympathize with their difficulties, which will do nothing but feed into their self-pity.

• You can agree with them in their delusion that they are coping with life the best that they can.

• You can enable them to continue with self-destructive attitudes and behavior by not allowing them to suffer the proper consequences of their actions.

• You can make things easier for them—softening life’s blows by intervening, which seems like “the Christian” thing to do.

Each of these actions is what a good friend would do, right?

Wrong!

It’s how you prolong their suffering and their avoidance of reality. By being a “good friend,” you may inadvertently be standing in the way of the Lord who is intent on gaining the attention of the person who is suffering. Let them crash. When the pain becomes too intense, they will reach out for help—not before. It’s much better to pray for a loved one to reach the end of their rope than to ask God to minimize their suffering when they are headed in the wrong direction. God meets people in their brokenness—not in their denial.